!!! Trigger Warning: I’m typing whatever comes to my mind. I’m really not okay. Self harm, abuse, suicide, potential ED, and just a lot of depressing thoughts. I need to let this out. I’m sorry. !!!
I feel like shit. My sister’s being a smart ass again. It’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow, we tried planning something but they made a whole fuss about it. I’m starting to think that my sister has issues with me. I thought we were okay. Maybe she was just tolerating me. We started uni together and I was helping her get started and find her classes. But now she doesn’t need me, she’s back to treating me like shit. It’s already hard enough living life with my brain. My head. My depression. She probably thinks I’m using it as an excuse. She doesn’t know I want to end it all.
Everytime I’m happy, it always crashes and burns. I always find someone that makes me happy. I always ruin it. “I could never hold a perfect thing and not demolish it / What am I thinking? / What does this mean? / How could somebody ever love me?” I’m so sick of my own mind. I’m sick of it. I haven’t felt this low in a while and I can’t handle how it feels anymore. I’m terrified of the future again. I love what I’m studying but I doubt there will be any jobs for me. Will they even accept me? Look at me. I don’t belong in those sorts of jobs. My social skills suck. I always end up talking about myself. I don’t mean to!
I think he secretly hates me, I think he’s avoiding me. I just wanted to feel like a part of something. My eyes hurt so bad. I just want it to end. I talked to my aunt about it. I feel closest to her. I wish I could move in with her. But I guess my uncle would want me to pay rent. I can’t even afford shit right now. I got away with not working this year, but I don’t think I’ll be so lucky after uni. God my eyes hurt. I wish I could talk to him and laugh with him. It’s forbidden, I tell my mind it’s not healthy. I just try and be normal. After all, it’s not really him.
Maybe subconsciously I want something like that in my life. A promise. I don’t know. Maybe I will feel confident about moving out if I was with someone. I don’t miss my ex anymore. That’s good. But I can’t move out alone. I’m the type of person that needs support. My head hurts a lot. I get dizzy a lot. I can’t make it through a whole day. I asked my sister how she does it. She was at uni from early morning til 6pm. How does she stay awake? She doesn’t drink coffee. She says she just tells herself she isn’t tired. But that doesn’t work on me. It reminds me of when my ex wanted to go to a restaurant that’s kinda far away from where we live. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel. I needed a nap. I wish I could’ve said no. I feared myself when I did that. I’ve luckily made wiser decisions to never dare myself to go far if I’m tired.
I’m scared I won’t be able to work a normal job if I can’t even stay up. Every blood test I get is normal. Which reminds me, I badly need to see my doctor. But uni keeps me so busy, and when I have a day free, I completely forget. I’m such a terrible, useless, hopeless person. What am I even doing here? I’m a waste of space. People tell me I’m talented, I’m smart, I’m this and that. But how do I believe it? There’s nothing special about me. People want to be my friend and then they get to know me. I say too much. I’m too much. Not only am I a waste of space but I waste too much space. I starve myself because I hate my body. I’ve never cut myself or really attempted suicide, but it’s always there. At the back of my mind. Will I ever find peace? Or will I forever jump into one “addiction” after another, chasing a “high” and a fantasy that will never come true?
I work so fucking hard. I study, do my readings, go to class, talk to my lecturers. One of my lecturers was impressed that I was so thoughtful about the class content. She asked if I considered trying for a Masters. Maybe I can just go through a path of academia. I feel like a fucking bum doing that though. I feel like it’s more productive to get a job and earn money. What if I end up getting a PhD but can’t even find a fucking job? I don’t even think I fit in a job environment that most uni courses put you in. I’d have to put on a performance to blend in. That’s so tiring. I’m tired of performing. It’s not like I don’t want to work. It’s that, there’s some bullshit standard as to how most companies want to “look”.
I’m trying so hard to get good at my art too. I try and silence everything that tells me I’m not good enough, cos I’m on my own path. I am now completely living in a delusion. Regardless if my art is good or not, I will find ways to make it my career. I don’t care anymore. I had a fucked up upbringing. My dad would punish me by threatening to give me away to our neighbors. He’d carry me and drag me out the house. He never got far. I’d cling on to the doorways. I can’t remember how else I was hurt in my childhood. I used to be able to recall every detail of my life. There was a point where I was proud of it. I’m not proud of my life anymore. Yeah I’ve accomplished a lot. I’ve overcome a lot. But in the long run, I am worth nothing. The dying flame in me is kept alive by silly shit like streamers I enjoy watching, or funny movies like Jackass. I’m a bit embarrassed to share it here, but those movies have literally saved my fucking life.
I had never been close to actually committing suicide. Tonight, I am so so low. I don’t have anything to do it with. So I know I won’t. It’s the same fucking cycle. It’s almost like the boy who cried wolf now. I’m sick of my own thoughts. Everytime I feel low, I feel like I’m going to do it. It never got to a point where I had to call for emergency services. Should I be? I mean, I don’t have any way of doing it right now. I’m not physically strong either so what? Will it fail? Then I’ll live the most embarrassing fucking life as a failed suicide survivor? Then what?
My head hurts so bad. I feel so bad for not even replying to people here. They have helped me so much. They have changed my life and way of thinking so fucking much. I know you all matter. I wish I really felt that I mattered right now. I don’t have the energy to cook so I’m eating chips. My diet is so bad. I hope this weekend I can start exercising. I’m so bad at it. I wasn’t raised with healthy habits. I literally grew up on fast food. I’ve been drinking soda since I was a kid. I feel like I need someone to really watch me and keep my habits in check. My family ain’t gonna do that. I’m a grown ass person, right? I should be able to do this by myself. Maybe I should be admitted in a ward or something.
I just want to be fucking happy. I want to get a job and pay off all these fucking student loans. Even the ones from nursing. They don’t care about the trauma that course gave me, the shit I went through. It’s black and white: I did the course, I’ll pay for it. Fine. But at least let me fucking get my feet up and learn to walk in this fucking world first. The weight is too much. I love what I’m studying at uni so much but my god… can I just stop time for a moment and breathe? The world goes on whether I’m ready or not.
Thanks for reading. I’m sorry it’s too much. I’m so tired of my brain.