Im not okay

!!! Trigger Warning: I’m typing whatever comes to my mind. I’m really not okay. Self harm, abuse, suicide, potential ED, and just a lot of depressing thoughts. I need to let this out. I’m sorry. !!!

I feel like shit. My sister’s being a smart ass again. It’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow, we tried planning something but they made a whole fuss about it. I’m starting to think that my sister has issues with me. I thought we were okay. Maybe she was just tolerating me. We started uni together and I was helping her get started and find her classes. But now she doesn’t need me, she’s back to treating me like shit. It’s already hard enough living life with my brain. My head. My depression. She probably thinks I’m using it as an excuse. She doesn’t know I want to end it all.

Everytime I’m happy, it always crashes and burns. I always find someone that makes me happy. I always ruin it. “I could never hold a perfect thing and not demolish it / What am I thinking? / What does this mean? / How could somebody ever love me?” I’m so sick of my own mind. I’m sick of it. I haven’t felt this low in a while and I can’t handle how it feels anymore. I’m terrified of the future again. I love what I’m studying but I doubt there will be any jobs for me. Will they even accept me? Look at me. I don’t belong in those sorts of jobs. My social skills suck. I always end up talking about myself. I don’t mean to!

I think he secretly hates me, I think he’s avoiding me. I just wanted to feel like a part of something. My eyes hurt so bad. I just want it to end. I talked to my aunt about it. I feel closest to her. I wish I could move in with her. But I guess my uncle would want me to pay rent. I can’t even afford shit right now. I got away with not working this year, but I don’t think I’ll be so lucky after uni. God my eyes hurt. I wish I could talk to him and laugh with him. It’s forbidden, I tell my mind it’s not healthy. I just try and be normal. After all, it’s not really him.

Maybe subconsciously I want something like that in my life. A promise. I don’t know. Maybe I will feel confident about moving out if I was with someone. I don’t miss my ex anymore. That’s good. But I can’t move out alone. I’m the type of person that needs support. My head hurts a lot. I get dizzy a lot. I can’t make it through a whole day. I asked my sister how she does it. She was at uni from early morning til 6pm. How does she stay awake? She doesn’t drink coffee. She says she just tells herself she isn’t tired. But that doesn’t work on me. It reminds me of when my ex wanted to go to a restaurant that’s kinda far away from where we live. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel. I needed a nap. I wish I could’ve said no. I feared myself when I did that. I’ve luckily made wiser decisions to never dare myself to go far if I’m tired.

I’m scared I won’t be able to work a normal job if I can’t even stay up. Every blood test I get is normal. Which reminds me, I badly need to see my doctor. But uni keeps me so busy, and when I have a day free, I completely forget. I’m such a terrible, useless, hopeless person. What am I even doing here? I’m a waste of space. People tell me I’m talented, I’m smart, I’m this and that. But how do I believe it? There’s nothing special about me. People want to be my friend and then they get to know me. I say too much. I’m too much. Not only am I a waste of space but I waste too much space. I starve myself because I hate my body. I’ve never cut myself or really attempted suicide, but it’s always there. At the back of my mind. Will I ever find peace? Or will I forever jump into one “addiction” after another, chasing a “high” and a fantasy that will never come true?

I work so fucking hard. I study, do my readings, go to class, talk to my lecturers. One of my lecturers was impressed that I was so thoughtful about the class content. She asked if I considered trying for a Masters. Maybe I can just go through a path of academia. I feel like a fucking bum doing that though. I feel like it’s more productive to get a job and earn money. What if I end up getting a PhD but can’t even find a fucking job? I don’t even think I fit in a job environment that most uni courses put you in. I’d have to put on a performance to blend in. That’s so tiring. I’m tired of performing. It’s not like I don’t want to work. It’s that, there’s some bullshit standard as to how most companies want to “look”.

I’m trying so hard to get good at my art too. I try and silence everything that tells me I’m not good enough, cos I’m on my own path. I am now completely living in a delusion. Regardless if my art is good or not, I will find ways to make it my career. I don’t care anymore. I had a fucked up upbringing. My dad would punish me by threatening to give me away to our neighbors. He’d carry me and drag me out the house. He never got far. I’d cling on to the doorways. I can’t remember how else I was hurt in my childhood. I used to be able to recall every detail of my life. There was a point where I was proud of it. I’m not proud of my life anymore. Yeah I’ve accomplished a lot. I’ve overcome a lot. But in the long run, I am worth nothing. The dying flame in me is kept alive by silly shit like streamers I enjoy watching, or funny movies like Jackass. I’m a bit embarrassed to share it here, but those movies have literally saved my fucking life.

I had never been close to actually committing suicide. Tonight, I am so so low. I don’t have anything to do it with. So I know I won’t. It’s the same fucking cycle. It’s almost like the boy who cried wolf now. I’m sick of my own thoughts. Everytime I feel low, I feel like I’m going to do it. It never got to a point where I had to call for emergency services. Should I be? I mean, I don’t have any way of doing it right now. I’m not physically strong either so what? Will it fail? Then I’ll live the most embarrassing fucking life as a failed suicide survivor? Then what?

My head hurts so bad. I feel so bad for not even replying to people here. They have helped me so much. They have changed my life and way of thinking so fucking much. I know you all matter. I wish I really felt that I mattered right now. I don’t have the energy to cook so I’m eating chips. My diet is so bad. I hope this weekend I can start exercising. I’m so bad at it. I wasn’t raised with healthy habits. I literally grew up on fast food. I’ve been drinking soda since I was a kid. I feel like I need someone to really watch me and keep my habits in check. My family ain’t gonna do that. I’m a grown ass person, right? I should be able to do this by myself. Maybe I should be admitted in a ward or something.

I just want to be fucking happy. I want to get a job and pay off all these fucking student loans. Even the ones from nursing. They don’t care about the trauma that course gave me, the shit I went through. It’s black and white: I did the course, I’ll pay for it. Fine. But at least let me fucking get my feet up and learn to walk in this fucking world first. The weight is too much. I love what I’m studying at uni so much but my god… can I just stop time for a moment and breathe? The world goes on whether I’m ready or not.

Thanks for reading. I’m sorry it’s too much. I’m so tired of my brain.


That question appears at the end of your post, yet it’s the very first thing you should do.

You are dealing with a huge number of issues, and they all seem to difficult to manage. You are not feeling well, and when you don’t feel well, everything sucks.

You’re trying to figure everything out once. It’s no wonder that your head hurts. You seem to be on an emotional roller coaster. When you are crying wolf, the wolf is really there, but it appears in the form of overwhelming expectations you have of yourself.

You are really down on yourself, and cannot see your own value. Meanwhile, others see potential, talent, clearly a good work ethic, and other things about you that make them wish they knew you better.

Your sister sounds like a bit of a user, and has yet to learn emotional maturity. Don’t take it personally, that she may be years away from really appreciating you.

There is no perfect thing to hold. Rather than demolishing it, you are probably discovering the truth of its imperfection.

The nature of existence is to have happy times, along with times that are not so good. Appreciation for the happy times can make the difficult times more bearable.

I think it’s because you have a need to vent, and it is therapeutic to spend some time doing it. However, perhaps in social situations, the floodgates open when you would rather they didn’t. Do you have a counselor or therapist who can help you vent in the right place?

I don’t think you have a thing to worry about careerwise, as long as you budget your time and effort well enough that you don’t burn out.

It sounds like you’re dealing with a substantial amount of anxiety and depression. Such feelings cause fatigue. Fighting fatigue leads to anxiety and depression. Therefore, this negative feedback loop needs to be interrupted. Maybe you can do it with some time off. Maybe you need professional help. Maybe the right kind of friend can help you through it.

The first priority is to feel better, starting with getting enough rest and treating your body as a friend. If you succeed in doing that, the other answers will come more easily.

You did the right thing by coming here to vent, and you did a very good job of it. I hope it helped. Please come back and let us know how you’re doing, and vent as needed.


Thank you so so much for your reply. I’m here. I’m mostly okay. I just slept it off last night because I had class today. The whole day, until now, I’ve felt anxious. Class was actually good, and I contributed a lot to discussion. That’s the thing, I have such a love for life that it really hurts when my brain seems to work against me. I try to be calm and rational, but sometimes I tell myself it’s okay to cry it out. I hope it’s upwards and onwards after this.

It’s hard to get professional health at this time. I know it should come first. It’s so hard when I have to travel for it. I will try to see my doctor ASAP, hopefully she can try and sort something out for me. I treated myself like shit last night and I have great friends to vent to but I didn’t want to pour this all out on them so I went here…

I agree about my sister… It took me a while before I stopped being so angry and sassing my family. I think everyday that I could lose them at any point so I just let go of petty shit and do what I can. I don’t think my sister understands that I am doing what I can, it’s just not on the same page as her because our abilities and capacities are different.

I appreciate that you suggest that my first priority is to feel better. You’re right. In a way, I am miles better from last night. It’s just this anxiety that I’m desperately wanting to get rid of. It’s tried to ruin my day, but my family and I had a nice birthday dinner for my dad at least (the waitress even gave us a drink and a meal for free). I hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be better.


Ok. Fuck. update… I was feeling better after tea, shower, and a movie. But I’m starting to crash again. I’m gonna seriously seek help. It usually goes away, but it’s not. I feel like throwing up, I have so for the whole day. I feel so gross. I feel like I’m going to explode. I don’t know what to do right now. I’m shaking here and there. I’m taking a break off uni tomorrow.

It’s like I’m in limbo. Like all of my memories have turned to mush and I don’t feel myself. I think about everything that’s happened to me in the past two years and I can’t even feel myself in the present. I don’t know how to explain it, like I’m not even in control of my body.

I feel like I’m allergic to kindness. I feel like I can’t react to it. I know I deserve kindness. But it’s like… my body cringes when I receive it. It feels like I’m scared I’ll get addicted to it and “demand” more. I’m scared I’ll get attached to people again who show me kindness and get hurt when they leave.

I’m just too worried about a lot of things. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I can’t seem to lift myself out of this pit. I just want things to be okay.


It sounds like a body chemistry thing actually. Well, even if it’s a mental issue, it’s still part of body chemistry. Did you know low blood sugar can make you shakey, moody and nauseous? Thyroid function affects mood. Stress causes higher levels of cortisol in a body, which decreases immune response. I could go on with a laundry list of physical reasons to feel shitty, and the mind will identify a cause, even if it’s not the real cause of the terrible feelings.

Take note of physical circumstances and how your body feels when you’re not doing well emotionally. Sometimes it’s a question of what came first, because emotional problems will affect physical feelings, and feeling bad physically will lead to feeling bad emotionally.

I know when I’m feeling tired, I usually feel anxious and on edge. Then it’s easy to take things others say the wrong way. That in turn makes me feel even more anxious and on edge.

Feeling allergic to kindness, like you’re in limbo, and the memory problems, sounds like your mind’s trying to protect itself from the emotional roller coaster effect.

Actually, it’s kind of a DNA programmed addiction, and we all experience a severe longing for it. That you are aware of your very strong desire for connection, and the consequences of being demanding, is evidence of evolving emotional intelligence. I’ve come to accept that heart connections don’t always last. People sometimes drift apart, move away and become fully occupied with other people. Sometimes they die. Sometimes a misunderstanding drives a wedge between people. Maybe it was hospice work that really solidified my commitment to fully embrace and appreciate every moment of connection, even when knowing those connections couldn’t last, at least not in a way that can be expressed physically. At the same time, I feel that those heart connections never end, even when the person is no longer within reach.

Sometimes we care about someone, and they turn out to be jerks, or even if they remain fairly decent people, they’ll do disappointing and hurtful things. That is the nature of being human, and sometimes we’re jerks toward others. Therefore, when I care about someone, I “pre-forgive” them, in other words feel determined to maintain the friendship, even if they disappoint me sometimes.

With that said, there is a limit to what a person should reasonably put up with, and it becomes necessary to remove them from your life.

You really do deserve love. You deserve to love yourself. Yeah, people leave, yet you deserve the sharing of love when the opportunity comes, even if it’s only momentary. The effect of that sharing remains with you, even if you miss the continued interaction.

I want that for you too. I am visualizing you as a happy, confident and accomplished person.

Thanks for your response. I’m pulling for you!