I feel strange writing this out. It’s difficult to pinpoint why exactly I feel so empty and weightless right now. I believe that this world is a beautiful place (when looking at the right parts of it, at least), worthy of gratitude and that everyone deserves a place in it. However - I look to my future and I see blank, white, empty space. I don’t see a way for me to possibly exist in the future at all, and I definitely cannot even fathom having the safe, calm, content life that I at one point worked so hard towards.
I exist, I’m here, I’m doing alright, with a decent job that I don’t hate which is getting better. Despite this, my existence shifts from feeling like my insides are on fire (heart pounding, fear of imminent catastrophe) to feeling like a walking ghost with no weight, with no worth, not worthy of existence.
I’ve always had a lot of friends, but I am feeling myself drifting further away from them. I don’t see the point in taking care of the basic tasks of adult existence. It’s harder to keep my apartment clean, harder to make doctor’s appointments, do laundry, deal with insurance, pay bills. I haven’t worked out in over a month, which would have never happened even a year ago.
Music is always the remedy for me - playing, listening, live shows. This is still true, but I feel so much less at home in a concert crowd than I used to. Recently, I missed out on a band that I love, that has helped me survive through terrible times, and that I may never have a chance to see again - all because of this fear/anxiety. It kills me.
I haven’t branched out in a meaningful romantic way in over a year - every time I find myself close the “Anxiety Worthlessness Cocktail” hits again and I can’t move forward at all.
I want to connect with new people so badly, but It feels like I’ve lost the ability to do so. I remember years ago everyone would seem so friendly and welcoming, now the social landscape feels so cold and unfriendly, and I can’t even imagine why anyone would want to be friends with me, a walking ghost with no sense of why he should exist. I try to at least be nice, but I can’t help but be completely distant - similar to how I feel from everything.
It’s strange, because I’ve always been the one that tries to fix everything in all of my friends/partners. Looking back, I don’t think I ever really let anyone help me when I was hurting. It feels like I’m dealing with all of my life’s worth of tragedy now.
I’m staying strong for my family, especially my little sister - but I still can’t shake the fact that the future is a place that I cannot fathom my own existence in. I feel so much more empty and lifeless, incapable of feeling all the good things I see. I’m not over the world - I’m over existing within it.
I appreciate anyone who read this far. I needed to mark it down -
I’m so tired, so exhausted, so done with fighting, clawing, and getting bled dry by the constant struggle of living and breathing and trying to find a way through this world, working with the broken machinery that is my mind.
I’m still moving through, but this time is different - I’m not convinced that I can make it through without some kind of drastic change in course.