I'm not really sure what to put here

HeartSupport Support
1

Hello there, whoever may be reading this. Its been a while, since I’ve last been on here. Many thing have happened in the months of my disappearance. I’m doing marching band, and learning ASL, for instance. I find myself loving the culture and fascinated with the language itself, as doesn’t require something we all hearing people usually think a language needs to be a language, our voices. However,not everything is sunshine and rainbows, unfortunately. I’ve got 2 F’s, and a D- right now, and i’m a senior. I’m still dealing with days where I just can’t get away, I just can’t run away from everything. No matter where I seem to be, there’s conflict. Personally, I’ve found myself wondering if I’m a idiot, or a sociopath. Im about to get my letter jacket, but I’m wondering if Ii should really get one, I feel just bad about the situation. I like the Jacket, I just don’t really like the cost, but at the same time, I worked so hard to get those Patches and my Letter. That reminds me, although I still get really strong urges, I haven’t cut myself for a full month! Things seem grim, and at the same time, hopeful. Im making friends, but still the thoughts plague me of doubt, telling me we aren’t friends, that im just a fool. Im retarded, I tell myself that sometimes. My Twin has Autism, and we usually don’t use retarded as its not nice to say around him. But, I feel like the words just explains me so well… it just feels right to me. I’ve started really struggling eating in the mourning lately as well, and im not sure why, as I usually have a hard time eating, but not like how it is in the mourning. I will feel gnawing pain chewing deep within me, smell the delicious scent of breakfast, and I just can’t do it. Its like my stomach agrees that I should be dead, that we are ungrateful for who we are, and where we live. Anyways, Sorry about the Word Vomiting, Im just writing down what occurs to me as Im writing this. Take Care, whoever may be reading this, and stay safe.

Sincerely,
Jason

2

Hi Jason,

I’m really happy to hear that you haven’t self harmed in a month. That’s amazing and I hope that you have many many more months free of self harm. My friend, be kinder to yourself. Those things you tell yourself are lies. You are not a fool or anything else you call yourself. If one of your friends told you what you tell yourself what would you say to them? If they said, “you don’t want to be my friend and you think I’m a fool”. What would you tell them? I bet you would tell them that that isn’t true and that you love being their friend! You would want your friend to be kinder to themselves so please, be kinder to yourself as well.

I know it’s cliche, but life is like a rollercoaster. There are good days and bad days and some days where you don’t feel like you have control over anything. Bad days will happen, but that’s okay. You are human. You don’t have to be perfect. Just remember to hold onto and cherish the beautiful and positive things happening in your life. You are learning sign language! That’s amazing and you could help so many people! That’s so great! And you are making friends!!! So so cool! Holding onto those amazing positive things will give you the tools to fight through those bad days.

As for the not eating breakfast thing. That actually isn’t weird at all. In fact, some people have this thing where they can’t eat on the morning. It makes them nauseous. It’s something like the chemicals from the brain to the stomach haven’t woken up yet. It can also happen with drinking in the morning. (That one is me!) if I drink water too early in the morning or try to eat I gag. Super yuck. What helps is drinking a glass of warm water and trying to eat something light like toast. Hold fast my friend. You will be okay.

  • Cassie
1 Like
3

Thank you, Cassie
I appreciate this

Sincerely,
Jason