I'm not really sure why I even try

[TheRats]

Recently I got into another relationship with someone. I’ve liked him for a while, and when he asked if I’d like to be boyfriends, I obviously said yes. It seems really healthy, and we both do our best to make sure we’re comfortable. He treats the rest of the system with respect and even was careful not to out us. But I’m just… I feel like this is going to end up badly.

I always listen to music, and sometimes the song Death Bed (Coffee For Your Head) plays on my pandora station. Now I’ve ALWAYS thought that song was about a suicidal person in a relationship knowing they’re going to die and knowing it’ll hurt the other party. And I just can’t stop thinking about it because… I just feel like I don’t have a lot of time left. I’m a bit better since my last attempt, but I really feel like the way I’m going to die is by my own will. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want him to be upset about how I feel. He already worries about me. What the hell would it do to him if I died? To myself? Would he feel like it’s his fault? Like he did something wrong?

I hate being selfish, and I hate wanting to die. Sometimes I just see no other options out. Not to mention that I just went through a super traumatizing event losing a romantic partner in an unexpected way. All I can think about is my last partner. The two of them… they act so similarly. I’d hate to lose him the same way I lost the last person. I feel scared. I don’t want to lose another person I care about.

Am I really just that messed up?

All I want is to sleep forever. I just want to forget everything. I hate who I am and I hate that people LIKE me. I don’t deserve love not after all the horrible things I’ve done to people. I was an abuser in the past. I regret it every day. Instead of taking things out on my partners, i just take it out on myself now. Any thought like “[name] is a horrible person” is immediately turned into “I am a horrible person” and I just internalize it because I don’t want to be who I was back then again. I’m so tired. I just hurt everyone. I should just… cut everyone off. They’d get rid of me eventually anyways, so why not do it for them?

If I’m just going to kill myself anyways, what’s the point in making friends and being in relationships? I’m just going to and up dead by my own hand. I know that’s going to hurt people. But in reality, they’d all be better off without me there. I’m just annoying and toxic and I mess everything up. No one deserves to deal with me.

[Wings]

Every day, you wake up a changed person, as it’s not possible to be identical to who you were yesterday. With every day, you gain experience, which can be instrumental in helping you make positive changes.

Yeah, you are messed up. Like everyone else, you are a work in progress. Also, you are not as messed up as a lot of folks. So, you’ve done lots of horrible, evil, mean, wicked and rotten things. But now, you are not the person that you were then. So, ask yourself who you are in this moment. I suspect that you are nothing like the person who did all those regrettable things in the past. Instead, you have learned from them and it has changed you.

Often, the mind falls into repeating patterns. In this case, thinking about suicide has been your default response is to stress. Ask yourself, “do I really need to feel all this stress?” Sometimes going for a walk or run can help. You can also become good at re-directing your thoughts, or de-stressing through meditation.

Maybe you’ve been a jerk at times, but you really are not and never have been a horrible person. It will be much easier to be a good person if you stop bad mouthing yourself. Shame is debilitating, and can prevent self-improvement.

I’ve been around suicide attempts, and one thought really disturbs me. It’s that the attempt makes the statement that no one around is worth living for. I know that’s not a terribly rational thought, and there’s a lot more to it than that.

At any rate, don’t be dead, as you’ll miss out on a lot of good stuff.

[HS_John]

Hi the Rats - the HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here - we hope it helps you, and we are here to help you navigate life.

• Hold Fast