While I’m barely surviving in the gates of bloody hell in high school, today was just a reminder that I have no safety or privacy. I left the cafeteria during the middle of the day, two girls asked me to come over. One of them said that one of their friends knows me and thinks I’m cute and wants to exchange numbers with me. I said that I didn’t know them and didn’t exchange numbers with random people and quickly hid from them.
While I may sound deranged as fuck, I always exaggerate and think that this “friend” of theirs would use my number to track me and probably hire someone to stalk me and maybe assassinate me at my own house, because that’s how I see this. Remember, I’m deranged as fuck. In algebra class, there is also a small group of women who always want to talk to me which makes me uncomfortable and makes me think that the girls who asked me to come to them know the girls from my algebra class who are trying to figure out everything about me. For a fucking Hispanic who feels like I’m being watched from every angle, justice isn’t a thing in this country.
I am not going to even try to tell my parents because they also know I’m deranged and will never believe me, just like when my mom told me that I would never find the person who sexually harassed me in middle school and the police didn’t give a shit.
And I know people are going to reply to me with made-up stories of something similar to make me feel bad; it’s not going to help me.
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Hi there,
I understand the frustration you’re feeling. I don’t think you are “deranged” for having these thoughts, when you have been through traumatic experiences it is natural for your mind to go to worst-case scenarios.
I am really sorry to hear about what happened with your mom and the lack of support you felt back then. I know that feeling like your feelings are dismissed or not believed is extremely hurtful and it makes you not trust people with your emotions. I want you to know that what you’re feeling is valid and it is logical that you might jump to conclusions and not trust people because of the past. Even if you feel like no one will understand you, you don’t have to deal with all of these feelings alone, we are here to support you too.
sending love and support
domenica
Hi friend,
I really feel for you. It doesn’t sound like you ever feel safe or have anyone around you to trust. That’s horrible. You deserve better. Thanks again for sharing and opening up here.
With love,
Satty
It sounds like you had a very heart breaking experience that ended with you not being heard, not being validated and no justice being taken on your behalf. It’s something that is so serious and something that should never be taken lightly. So I hear you feeling unsafe and I hear you feeling wary and maybe even scared of people who want information from you. The information you choose to share should only be given by you with your consent, and I absolutely feel that I would also be unsure and wary of people asking for my number “for a friend”.
I just wanted to reach out and let you know that whatever you share and whatever you’re feeling is valid and there is no judgement here. It sounds like there’s been a lot of people and voices pushing you down and denying your fears rather than asking what would make you feel safe.
You are always welcome to share and there is certainly no part of me that would ever call you deranged for experiencing fear. We come to fear due to experiences that teach us that fear and it feels like we can never fully be sure that those experiences won’t happen again.
You are always welcome to come and share as much or as little as you need with no intrusion on our part. Even if it’s just for the sake of being able to share your voice in a safe space
Hi there friend!
I just want to start off by saying thank you so much for speaking out, being honest with us, and coming to Heart Support. You made a wonderful decision by doing so.
I want you to know that you are heard, and we see you. We are here for you. You deserve to feel loved and safe. You are going through quite a lot, have been through a lot, and you have every right to feel the way that you do.
But we are here to help you. To help you get to a better place and to feel comfortable, because you deserve that. Heart Support will always be here for you. Do you have any friends or family that you feel comfortable being open with?
Much love,
Blake