Before anyone says anything. No, I am not suicidal. Yes, I see a therapist.
Why 2020 has been a hard year so far:
- My grandmother died
- I lost my job
- But I had to find out myself. They don’t even care enough to tell me
- Chronic pain is making working difficult
- I have to get botox injections in my neck to manage the pain. I’m dreading the next round of shots. It’s triggering and painful. I always tear up and cry just a little bit in the car when we leave. I’m afraid this time since I’m more vulnerable (and I have to drive past the vet clinic to reach Dr’s office) that I may cry or even do an ugly intense cry.
- Losing my job means losing my best friend and mentor. We were a dream team… I finally belonged, you know? I may be able to carry on working with my mentor as a freelancer so that’s definitely something.
- But I have real loneliness I cope with is that I wanted my coworker to be my best friend. For reasons, it’s not going to happen. I’m not mad. She didn’t do anything wrong at all. I still love her and will do anything for her. But this hurts so much and I feel hopeless in ever having that platonic girlfriend I’ve always wanted all my life
- I am pessimistic because I’m disabled and facially disfigured. Even my close friends who says he loves me is clearly not yet fully comfortable around me. It’s hard to have a past they have no idea about.
- The worst thing to happen to me, besides losing my grandma, is losing my 14-year-old dog very suddenly. She was truly my baby. I can’t have children- she was it. I visit her grave every day and am struggling every day with her absence. I miss my baby so much.
I miss my baby. My work family and friend that can’t be who I want her to be. I wish I could connect. It’s like the way I look makes me invisible, creates a barrier, and at the same time, drawing everyone’s glances/stares. This is my life. Having to pick the right seat in a restaurant that hides me the most. Never going to a grocery store.
God. I miss my baby. I miss her so much. Please, no one say anything about getting another pet. I can’t even think about it yet. It may just be me and my cat for a long time.
Every time I seek help or a safe place to vent, I get shut out. I’m too numb to feel the desperation of all these doors closing. I’m staying busy. Constantly so. I work all day long, game a few hours (while working), and then sleep. I’ve never had insomnia like this in my life.
I’m pessimistic also about finding that dream “girlfriend” best friend because I’m a weirdo anyway. I like geeky comic books/video games, nerdy computers, weirdo humor then kawaii pink everything aesthetic. I’m in the deep South where people wouldn’t be able to comprehend my politics and think dyed hair pretty wild… It’s hard to find another weirdo.
I’m terrified of letting myself cry these days because the last time I cried, it turned into a screaming panic attack that hurt my chronic pain and destroyed my stomach for several days.
I see my therapist. He helps. But there’s no changing the fact that no one will be my best friend or a friend comfortable around me. I don’t think one ever will. I have my husband and thank God I do. He’s the anchor keeping me sane in all this. I just need to focus on our relationship… I don’t need that best (platonic) girlfriend, no matter how badly this 10-year-old self inside me cries for it, I have a husband who’s my best friend. I try to focus on that relationship.
I guess I can’t talk to my friends. My ‘safe spaces’ are shutting me out. I can’t call my therapist at 4 in the morning. And my husband is doing the best…but my bad days have worn him down. I don’t know where to go. I guess I just need to journal and be okay with that.
I just wish the world has welcomed me. I wish people didn’t feel uncomfortable with me. I want so badly to hug, laugh, and dance with people. And I can’t, I’m too broken. There’s this running joke that I hate hugs and I have to correct people saying I don’t know “How to hug”. I haven’t had practice. But I wish so badly that I did.
I feel utterly alone. I have no advocates or role models to look to. Disabled people, especially visibly disabled people, are invisible. I’ve never met anyone who deals with this very visual isolation life. I’ve never met anyone who carries so much trauma in the past into a room full of people who don’t even get it. I want so badly to tell people even bits and pieces of what I’ve been through from 15 surgeries.
I love life. But my life sucks. I love thinking, working, focusing, and building. I hate this endless grief yet I can’t bear to let my baby go. I can’t believe she’s not here. She was my best friend. She was everything. My baby. I lived my life isolated, I’m used to this. I can be happy with this again.
But… yeah. It is hard to go back to that after closing a chapter.
