I was talking to a friend earlier and I said that a lot of people never really get that I have problems and she said well thats because you never tell them and that isnt because I am some big gun who doesnt want to share my feelings its because if I can ignore it I dont have to admit it to myself either which is really how I prefer to live most of the time.
That being said over the last two or three weeks I can honestly say Im struggling a bit and thats a tough thing to admit, I guess I have found this year difficult but the last few weeks I have found a lot of old habits creeping in, the not wanting to get up in the morning, not caring about much at home, paranoia (thats been pretty bad) a lot of and many many tears just out of the blue half way through conversations which is a huge thing as I cant bare getting upset around people.
One of the thoughts really playing n my mind is how amazing last year was finding you all and how happy I was, I couldnt remember a time I felt that happy, occasionally a reminder would come to me of a saying I was raised with, Lisa dont get too happy “the higher you go, the harder you fall” so I tried to keep it in mind but secretly I was loving life so I didnt care. Then this year came and things started to go wrong (nothing anyone here has done) my health, Mums health etc and then the thoughts of the harder you fall started,the anxiety began the brain starts delivering all kinds of negative calamities and before you know it the whole world has decided that you were never meant to be happy in the first place, it was an error and it wont happen again (I know none of this makes sense) but when its happening you cant shake it and more often than not anyone can ask me how i am and i can bluff it with the best of them but right now its just not happening. So you are just going to have to excuse me if im not my usual self right now. Im not depressed, a lot of the time I feel anxious and very worried and I dont know what im worried about and that makes me more anxious.
I am hoping if I get this all out poor @Mystrose wont have to put up with me and my nonsense anymore.
One last thing, for anyone who gets to this point and is still awake, you are an amazing person, if you have something you want to get help with, go and get help with it. please dont wait unitil you get older in the hope it will go away, they dont just go away and you deserve a life of fulfilment. If I can accomplish anything in my life it would be to teach people that.
I hope it’s no secret how much of an amazing person I think you are. How lucky every single person here is having met you and having you in their support circle.
It makes perfect sense! That feeling you get when something so incredible comes along and you just “know” that it could never happen again or that you don’t deserve jt and there will be something much worse coming.
That constant fight in our head to push it back and keep it down because “it’s just in your head”. That’s what people will say anyway.
I know those feelings and thoughts can be so real, but I’m so happy that you’ve been able to fight past them.
You know, that’s true that the higher you go the harder you fall, but the higher you go the bigger the safety net grows. It grows by every time you reach out and “annoy” someone, it grows every time you fight off the internal voices. It grows every time you share you heart and make your voice heard.
We aren’t about to let you fall.
Nothing you have said to me has ever been nonsense. Your emotions are real and valid, just like anyone else here.
I’m proud of you for not ignoring it anymore and going an extra mile and making a post for the community to support you. That’s awesome.
I hope that you can figure out a better way to cope with the paranoia. I know how much it messes with my head when I’m in that state of mind and how much turmoil and chaos it causes. I hate to see you suffer from it because I know how horrible and exhausting it is.
Thank you for all you do for the community (and me 
), you are loved and you matter! 
Hi Lisa 
When you first told me that you were told the “the higher you go the harder you fall” line I had not paid it much attention. I was like “well her parents are kind of pessimistic”. It was not until I have read this post that I realized how this sort of thinking has effected you. Basically telling you at a young age that you should not expect to be happy and that happiness is only going to make you more miserable in the future is such a destructive thing to say to a child. When you are afraid of being happy you are truly miserable. I understand that fear. Sometimes I feel the “things are going pretty smooth, that means they are gonna go down hill pretty soon” feeling. Like you dont know where the next hit is gonna come from. You are afraid to let your guard down so you are not surprised by it.
One must say that the saying about the high and the fall is true to a certain degree, however as all things are, there are two sides to the same coin. I am gonna quote batman here: “Why do we fall? So we can learn how to pick ourselves back up.” Its not how many times you fall that matters, Its how many times you can get back up. Yes it will hurt but only for a while. Then we will pick ourselves up. Once a teacher asked us how we were doing and one guy said: “It couldnt be worse.” to which the teacher replied: “Thats great! From now on things can only get better .”
My mind is getting flooded with motivational quotes and I hate it 
. Forced positivity is as bad as forced negativity. One should learn balance in these things because both sides are right in their own way. Falling is bad but you have the abillity to get up. Failing is bad but you can still succeed in the end. To quote one song: “The biggest failure is knowing that you never tried.” I hope this has helped you at least a bit Lisa. I am sorry that you are struggling. Know that we care about you and that we are here to listen when you need someone to hear you .
@ManekiNeko, Thank you for such beautiful words, you really know how to hit home with your
kindness and I love what you say about the safety net, I have never thought of that and am going to picture that everytime I have these thoughts, I may even put a safety net picture on my computer just to remind me.
That gave me a sense of calmness I havent felt in a while Thank you again, you are so kind. I am so grateful for you and I too think that you are an amazing person so I guess it takes one to know one. xx
@Mystrose , Thank you my dear friend, it means so much that I can make you proud especailly at a time when you have seen a lot of weakness. You have helped me a lot to see that its ok to say how I really feel and working out when they make sense and when they dont lol. I love how we balance eachother out. You are loved too, very much my friend. xx
@Ashwell Thank you my lovely, you are right about my parents by the way, I love the bones of both of them but they are both two very pessimistic people and raised us accordingly, in fact they struggle with how optimistic I am so that should tell you something (thats a concern right there lol) I never really thought about it before I came here, how strange it is to be “afraid to be too happy” you can be a bit happy just not too happy and the strangest thing of all is that I am still told it today and I still just accept the line, I have never questioned it?? What you have said about getting up and learning, I have told other people, I have said to people that you only learn by being hurt, makeing mistakes and moving forwar and yet I dont think of it as it pertains to me, it doesn occur to me as its how I have always thought. Yes you have helped very much Ashwell, you are such a bright light and you are so smart. I think you truly are a lovey person. Thank you xxx
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