Back to heartsupport

I'm on a dangerous spiral

So… I know I wrote about something that’s been on my mind for a while, but it was suggested to me that I come and write a little more and get everything out, and honestly… I’m at a point where I’m too exhausted to make these decisions myself, so here I am.

My suicidal thoughts came back today, really badly actually. I very nearly just left my flat to go and buy a new set of blades, just so I could harm and quiet my mind. I haven’t felt this bad mentally in a few months, and honestly, it was one of the worst things I’ve felt in a long time. I was physically just so heavy, and I couldn’t breathe properly… It was almost like a panic attack, but instead it was my body fighting with itself to stop me leaving to get those blades.
The feeling that I’m alone, the thoughts that everything would be easier if I was dead all seem so real. Even though I know it’s not true, it feels so impossible to believe anything else right now. I feel like I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. It even got to a point that I prayed to God that He allows for me to just die in my sleep so I didn’t need to wake up. My head is in such a dark place, and I’m so exhausted. I just feel done with everything right now. It’s such a horrible feeling.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from posting this… like I said, I’m too tired to think about or do anything really right now…

Kayla

There is absolutely nothing that you are facing that is not in the jurisdiction of God’s power and His authority. He has the power and the authority to handle WHATEVER you face. Continue praying. Please trust Him to take care of you and your life. I will be praying for you too.

1 Like

@Kayla

I am so glad that you took the time to write this. Keep writing. Don’t hide or bury what you’re feeling. Those feelings are valid. Get them all out. We’re here to listen.

You are not alone. I hid my feelings and avoided them. I medicated myself rather than deal with those feelings. I didn’t want to share what I was feeling. I didn’t want people to think I was weak or judge me. But we can’t hide them - it’s part of who we are. We need be open and deal with them. That’s how we get better.

I am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself for being willing to open up and share! It took courage for you to that. That’s how we get out of that spiral. Break it! Continue to break it! Don’t give up!

You’re tired and exhausted, because you are in a battle. But you are stronger than you know! You are a warrior! Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged.

I love you and I am praying for you.

2 Likes