So… I know I wrote about something that’s been on my mind for a while, but it was suggested to me that I come and write a little more and get everything out, and honestly… I’m at a point where I’m too exhausted to make these decisions myself, so here I am.
My suicidal thoughts came back today, really badly actually. I very nearly just left my flat to go and buy a new set of blades, just so I could harm and quiet my mind. I haven’t felt this bad mentally in a few months, and honestly, it was one of the worst things I’ve felt in a long time. I was physically just so heavy, and I couldn’t breathe properly… It was almost like a panic attack, but instead it was my body fighting with itself to stop me leaving to get those blades.
The feeling that I’m alone, the thoughts that everything would be easier if I was dead all seem so real. Even though I know it’s not true, it feels so impossible to believe anything else right now. I feel like I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. It even got to a point that I prayed to God that He allows for me to just die in my sleep so I didn’t need to wake up. My head is in such a dark place, and I’m so exhausted. I just feel done with everything right now. It’s such a horrible feeling.
I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from posting this… like I said, I’m too tired to think about or do anything really right now…