For years now i’ve been depressed. it feels so long that i cant even remember when it started, it just feels like my whole life i’ve been depressed. i held it in for so long hoping it would just go away but instead it got worse - every year it would get worse - then every 6 months - then every month - then every week - and now it just feels like every day im getting worse - its like its accelerating. Suicide and death felt like such a reality me and it seemed like my future i didnt believe i was going to reach 18.I scared even myself with these thoughts - my death feeling like a reality, i felt like i was basically already dead. i recently got help by going to my doctors and they put me on antidepressants that were only licensed for 18+ (im 16) - I was on them for about 4 days and i felt great, i was so happy and even happier that i was finally happy, it even helped with my anxiety - now i’ve been taken off them because another doctor wants me to start on weaker ones - but these dont do anything - ive been on them for about 2 weeks so far and the doctor told me to leave it another 2 weeks and if they still dont work then they can put me back on my old antidepressants. it just reminds me of how fucked my body is tho - i dont feel like i have any reason to be depressed - my family is great and we’re well off - i just feel so much hatred for myself and i get jsut random waves of intense depression and suicidal thoughts for no reason and i cant stand it - im never going to get better - the only thing that helps is medication - my mind is always going to be fucked.
Hey RiotDrummer,
Man I am so sorry that you are experiencing such intense depression. I cannot even start to imagine the intensity of pain you have been going through. I have genetic anxiety that is multi generational and although it is not as intense, I can understand a little bit of your frustration for why this is happening to you and how it seems to be permanent. Just know, that you can fight this. It can get better. There is hope.
Know that whenever you are really suffering and in a bad place, you can come here for love and support. We want to be here for you. We love you and want you to have the strength to succeed.
Your live has value and much worth. You can do this! Keep fighting the good fight.
I don’t feel like succeeding is a possibility though. i feel so stuck in this place that i just can’t get out of no matter how hard I try - my brain is just like this and I have to wonder why me - what did i do to make this happen to me and not someone else - why is my brain like this what did i do. The doctor told me there was a chemical imbalance in my brain so i really dont feel like there is happiness without medication for me. I wouldn’t even wish this on my worst enemy because it’s like torture and pain - no physical but mental - it’s horrible because i can’t stop it theres nothing i can do i just have to sit here and endure it and I can pretend to be happy for other people because i dont want my parents or friends to be concerned but inside it’s still all the same and it does really feel like my life isnt worth it anymore.
I am glad to hear that you sought help. Switching medications can suck, I am sorry that you are going through this. You are your own best advocate. If you know that they stronger ones work for you stand up for your self.
I have been on meds for a long while now and when I was first put on them, I thought the same thing as you, but you never know what could happen, you may be able to get off them one day, but if this is what is helping you to keep going now, it’s so worth it. And if you aren’t able to - please know that your worth isn’t based on what meds you are or are not taking.
Keep going, keep fighting, you can do this! We are always here for you!
~Michelle
I get the whole feeling stuck thing and like nothing will ever change. But know that you didn’t do anything to make this happen. Your worth and importance isn’t found in having to be on medication. What you are dealing with does not change who you are as a person.
Opening up is hard, and I am so glad you felt safe to do it here in this community.
Stay strong!
Hey friend. I’m 16, i’ve been on meds for 10 years. I have a lot of experience and your concerns are super valid what you’re going through is really tough.
Theres 3 main reasons you start on a low dose. 1. The pharmaceutical company is liable for anyone getting hurt after taking their meds. It’s a scummy thing on their part. 2. By starting on a high dose you can basically have a reverse overdose, getting your body used to meds is incredibly important. I gained over 100 pounds before I was a teen due to a mix of depression and mostly high doses of meds. I know first hand it’s important to start low, it sucks. 3. if you have an allergic reaction to the med it can have a complete reverse reaction and it can kill you. Starting low is a way so that you don’t get hurt and so the companies aren’t liable. By no means do I agree with the liability but I just know the facts.
Meds take 3 - 6 weeks to kick in, my anti-depressants took almost 10. You might think “well im gonna feel bad 14 times this week” but you also feel happy this week. It might not seem that way, but you are strong, friend. You are loved, by HeartSupport, by our community, by myself, by people. You’re loved and you are cared about by people who have been through what you have.
I can relate to this, i’ve tried medications but the ones i tried didnt work on me. Been dealing with depression for atleast a decade now (its hard to see when it really started) and i dont know if i will ever be free of it, but it can get better. I dont know of anyway that i can communicate that will get you out of it but i do know this now, self hatred will not work, i have tried it for many years. Beating yourself up for being depressed is not something i would recommend and its something i have only started to stop doing thanks to HeartSupport. Please keep fighting, we are here for you Riot <3
I’m struggling to find the right words. I feel everything you’re saying here, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you’re not alone. Hold fast friend, the better days are coming - I promise. 
Hey, so your doc is right. Our emotions are dictated by chemical responses in the brain and I promise you that, while everything sucks now and you feel stuck in a hole, it gets better. You can find ways to produce the endorphins and hopefully find some relief but it’s an uphill battle. Taking a multivitamin can ease the stress on your body and provide a little relief and so can eating dark chocolate. It has to be dark so it has the high cocoa content. Also make sure you get lots of rest, naps can help, hot baths too. It is going to be hard, you are feeling exactly what I felt when I got on antidepressants and it doesn’t last. Also, if after 2 weeks you have seen no improvement, you should be switching. It takes two weeks for your body to adjust and side effects to wear off and if it’s been two weeks and there is no difference then you need to switch back. If your original med was successful then the doc shouldn’t have taken you off it unless there was a serious side effect. I send virtual hugs, you got this
thank you for your response it means a lot <3 i’m already on a lot of different vitamins and get b12 shots because my body just isnt good at absorbing them. i’m trying to stay positive but its also like i was just “teased” with happiness and then they took it away from me. it’s already been two weeks and they said to leave it for another 2. i just dont want my happiness to be controlled by a drug.
thank you for your response it means a lot <3
thank you for your response it means a lot <3 i feel the same for not knowing when it started - i think it hit hard when i was 12 but i really dont remember - like i said it just feels like my whole life ive had some degree of depression. I will try and take your words into consideration thank you for being here 
I totally understand. Unfortunately I will have to be on meds for the rest of my life because my brain just doesn’t utilize the chemicals it produces. It’s hard and being on meds can make you feel weak but I can promise you that it’s not. You are not weak. You fight your brain every day. That is so hard, harder than it is for someone who doesn’t have to fight their own mind. Your brain is an organ, it can have problems just like any other organ. The problem is that our brain controls so much that when we have depression our body starts having other issues, like pour nutrition absorption. (Celiac can also cause that so keep that in mind too). It will be better for all of your body if you can get on the right track to getting better. You are strong and powerful and you will make it through this. We are here for you
thank you for your response it means a lot <3 Thank you for your explanation but the reason they gave me was because they wanted me to be on the lowest dose that works so that it doesnt fuck up my liver because they expect me to be on them long term. Which i understand but i just wish they hadnt given me the strong ones to begin with because its like just teasing me with it. Ive been on 3 different antidepressants 2 before and the low ones im currently on - both took about 2 days to kick into my body and even on the box of these ones it says it’ll take a max of two weeks - they’ve even bumped me up to two pills a day instead of one and i felt no change whatsoever. Im not sure if there is happiness in my life or if its all fake - i pretend to be happy for other but inside it still hurts. thank you for your concern and kind words
thank you for your response it means a lot <3 i did ask the doctor to switch me back recently but they said to it another 2 weeks (4 weeks total). it just sucks that the only way that i feel truly helps is medication.
Video response here:
Hold Fast friend, you’re loved.
If I can say one more thing: make sure you don’t pretend around your family and friends. If you are struggling let them know! That will provide opportunities to more deeply connect with them. This can also expand your friend group.
Also just know that this doesn’t define you. This is just one part of a complex you. So please know that life has so much good in store for you.
Please don’t give up.
You are a beautiful, strong person. You deserve to be happy. You are loved here. You matter here. Burn out those thoughts, and try not to let depression rule your life.
We love you, and we believe in you. Believe in hope, YOU CAN GET BETTER. YOU CAN DO THIS
Stay strong <3