I'm pretty drunk and I need advice badly

[StHaTaDi-Ethan]

I’m not a huge drinker, its not legal considering im 17 and live in the US. I decided to go to a party (that was amazing by the way) and I had an amazing time. I know my limits really well and all of that but I let myself go tonight. I’ve had a really really really hard last few days and Yesterday was a really hard day. My brother and I got into a nasty fight that almost ended in fists in the air but my sister got in the way i dont risk anything when it comes to my older sister.
The 10th and the 17th are both days that my best friends took their own lives. They were a couple, I can’t write Karma typically, I’m just not finished with her yet. Quemi was her girlfriend. Quemi took her own life the 10th, Karma took hers the 17th. This is my first year without them… it feels selfish that i feel like i need them and how much I miss them. it makes me want to die too, although i cant. there are too many people who i love and too many people that rely on me that i cant let down. i really need advice about this stuff because im mourning hard even when i am sober and i miss them both incredibly bad. i feel like i let them down by not talking to them in a nicer/kinder way. i am plagued by a lot of what if’s and other ways i could’ve changed the situation but didnt. i feel like its my fault they’re both gone. i would honestly do anything to bring them back. they had so much potential and so much love and compassion and beauty and so much talent that they both threw away when they took their own lives. i can feel myself getting progessively more intoxicated (i stopped drinking about 25mins ago) and i should probably go lay down.

I feel like I need to say that I let myself go a bit too much and I know I need to do better. I know my limits pretty well but i decided to go over those. I am safe and all but im having a really rough time. in this headspace i wont do it again. im disappointed in myself a lot and i need to do better.

advice on all of this is appreciated.

MORNING EDIT
I’m doing pretty good all things considered, im not hungover and I’m going to a friend’s home tonight. Sobering up after this was my best move.

[WearsHats]

I didn’t know them, so I can’t speak for them at all. And I was just saying to @Kayla that people feel this way, that they never stop wondering if they could have done better, done something to save the people they’ve lost. It gets better in time, but the scar never really goes away.

That said, try not to blame yourself. They were swallowed by their struggles, whatever those were. You did what you could. No one is perfect. No one knows everything. Their deaths weren’t your fault. Sounds to me like you tried to help. That’s all you can do. Sometimes it just isn’t enough. Sometimes their problems are bigger than your hand. But if they cared for you, I’m sure the last thing they’d want is for their pain and tragedy to cause you lasting pain, guilt, and doubt.

Getting drunk to numb that pain… It’s understandable. But alcohol tends to amplify the emotions you’re already feeling, and to break down the barriers you had to hold them back.

Fortunately, alcohol wears off. Don’t beat yourself up for it. You were hurting. You went to have fun and you reached out for something to help you escape for a while. It’s what people do when they’re in pain. Learn from this. Learn what doesn’t work. Remember your limits. And keep trying to find ways to heal.

I’m sorry I can’t give you the magic words to make it better. Time will help. But people work through grief in different ways.

Try to remember the good times. Try not to blame yourself for their choice and the suffering that drove them to it.

They can never be replaced. You’ll always have those two holes in your heart. But those holes will gradually get a little smaller. Look around you and find other things to fill your heart. Their loss pulls you down, but look for the things that can lift you up. Look for the things that are going right. Take comfort in your other friends and loved ones. You’re mourning for their lost potential. Don’t let that keep you from your own. Their potential is gone because the pain overwhelmed them. Don’t let the pain of their loss take away from your potential.

Don’t forget them. Remember what you loved about them. Learn from them. They will always be part of who you are, part of your past. But look ahead to your future. What you can build, what you can be, what you can share with the people around you.

You’re hurting now because their pain overwhelmed them. Don’t let that same pain overwhelm you. Don’t let its weight slow you down on your own path. Honor the best in them by being your best.

I hope that helps.

[Kayla]

Hey Ethan. I love you.

Don’t blame yourself for them being gone, it isn’t your fault. I know in America the age for drinking is older than it is here (18) but honestly, I think EVERYONE has drunk before the legal age, whether at a party, behind a school shelter or in a field somewhere with friends. Sometimes it’s ok to let go… It’s when you start to run to the alcohol every time you feel something you don’t like that it becomes an issue. Honestly, if you had a good time and you’re safe, that’s what matters. The act you know your limit is amazing, and you said you wouldn’t go back to overdoing it again, and that’s whats important. Please don’t beat yourself up - you’re better than that. If you ARE concerned, next time, ask a friend to keep an eye on you and to stop you after X amount of drinks… When I was at my friends house, she had hold of my pills and controlled my dose, so I only took what I was allowed instead of using more just to get the high.

We love you no matter what. Sure you made the choice to go over what you can handle, but we have all done it. It happens. Allow yourself to accept the fact you had a good night, you deserve that.

Hold Fast
Kayla