I’m not a huge drinker, its not legal considering im 17 and live in the US. I decided to go to a party (that was amazing by the way) and I had an amazing time. I know my limits really well and all of that but I let myself go tonight. I’ve had a really really really hard last few days and Yesterday was a really hard day. My brother and I got into a nasty fight that almost ended in fists in the air but my sister got in the way i dont risk anything when it comes to my older sister.
The 10th and the 17th are both days that my best friends took their own lives. They were a couple, I can’t write Karma typically, I’m just not finished with her yet. Quemi was her girlfriend. Quemi took her own life the 10th, Karma took hers the 17th. This is my first year without them… it feels selfish that i feel like i need them and how much I miss them. it makes me want to die too, although i cant. there are too many people who i love and too many people that rely on me that i cant let down. i really need advice about this stuff because im mourning hard even when i am sober and i miss them both incredibly bad. i feel like i let them down by not talking to them in a nicer/kinder way. i am plagued by a lot of what if’s and other ways i could’ve changed the situation but didnt. i feel like its my fault they’re both gone. i would honestly do anything to bring them back. they had so much potential and so much love and compassion and beauty and so much talent that they both threw away when they took their own lives. i can feel myself getting progessively more intoxicated (i stopped drinking about 25mins ago) and i should probably go lay down.
I feel like I need to say that I let myself go a bit too much and I know I need to do better. I know my limits pretty well but i decided to go over those. I am safe and all but im having a really rough time. in this headspace i wont do it again. im disappointed in myself a lot and i need to do better.
advice on all of this is appreciated.
I’m doing pretty good all things considered, im not hungover and I’m going to a friend’s home tonight. Sobering up after this was my best move.