Im running on empty and i need help. i cant keep on going like this

My mother is very mentally ill. She spends much of her time in the hospital and hasn’t lived with her husband, my father, in 7-ish years. She suffers from depression and anxiety and I just want her home, and I want a parent in my life thats stable. My dad is great but he works a full time and part time job because he’s an underpaid teacher and needs to make the ends meet. He means well but he can’t relate to me the same way my mom can. He hasn’t experienced trauma or anything close to that. I finally ended up having a mini breakdown on Friday. I just lost it in a voice chat with a friend who I was venting to on discord and I just started crying. I don’t have much going for me at the moment. I want to end my life but I don’t want to spread my suffering on other people. I don’t know how to handle this because my sister is gone at college over an hour away and my brother is just as bad if not worse off than myself. I can’t keep on bending like this, I’ll eventually break. Lately I’ve felt like I can’t do enough. My dad doesn’t understand mental health, especially trauma and some days I just need to spend all day in bed. He asks a lot of me and I need him to take a step back. I can hardly take care of myself physically and emotionally I cant. I’ve showered three times in a week, i have stayed in my room almost 24/7 and I am just starting to wear down faster than before. I ate for the first time in almost 3 days last night and now im back to just… not feeling hungry. Today was my last meeting with my therapist who was the first therapist i felt a personal connection with in over 4 years. She’s moving on to a different company and different line of work. I just wish I could be different and not struggle with depression, anxiety, and the constant reality of suicidal thoughts. Today about 4.5 hours ago I heard that one of my best friends was raped by their dad. His dad is incrdibly homophobic and transphobic and hearing that they went through that made me want to throw up. Typing this leaves a knot in my throat. Their dad wanted to “fuck the gay/queer out of them” and I am sad and angry enough I am debating on flying out to where they live and taking them home with me. I went through some horrendous sexual assault and rape several years ago and I would only wish that experience and feelings on those who did it to me. I want to fix everything but I can’t even fix myself at this point.
I’ve been in a discord call with them for about 2 hours.

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I am so sorry you have had to endure this pain. I am so so sorry.

It breaks my heart to see such wonderful amazing people be hurt so much. I want you to know you are not alone- Ethan you are my homie. I love you so much. You inspire me.

I know how hard it can be to take care of ourselves physically and mentally- I was in one of my classes today and we were discussing the affects of alcohol on the brain; so basically sometimes humans get out of hand with alcohol- and that goes to the brain, and the brain controls everything in our body- the limbs and eyes, everything- so when really drunk people wake up and are wicked hung over the brain is like “no you are not going to work today I need to repair myself”. The main point I am getting at is the brain repairing itself- not the drinking part just the brain part. So when we get worked to hard and we have these struggles like anxiety and depression I am interpreting that as being like metaphorical alcohol- just stick with me on this- so we get so stressed and anxious and our brain is like “yo calm down I need to rest and repair myself”…I hope that makes sense.

I’ve been in spots that I never thought I would be in- I never thought I would struggle to take care of my hygiene but some days I do, there have been long periods of that struggle. I never thought I would be one to struggle with eating enough but I do- I was almost underweight at my last doctor visit and I could feel my body getting weaker because of how little I was eating.

You have to eat- even if you don’t want to or nothing seems appetizing you have to eat. You gotta eat to survive.

Some days we get really depressed and that’s ok- we just have to take small steps to get ourselves back up. Small steps are key- maybe just brush your teeth or change your clothes. Maybe take a walk.

Ethan I believe in you. I love you. You are so very important to me and I am so blessed to call you my friend- my homie.

Love you.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)


I’m sorry that you’re struggling Ethan, that sounds horrendous. I’m so so sorry that you’ve had to hear about that happening with your best friend, and you’re freaking amazing for sitting with them and listening despite what you’re going through. I believe if it’s possible, getting them out of that situation is the best thing. All you can do right now is encourage them to take the steps to do that and be there for them. You’re such a huge part of this community, and a huge part of my life - I saw you about in streams before we BOTH discovered HeartSupport and ever since I’ve always smiled when I see your name in streams. We’re here for you no matter what. I love you - as does the whole of this community.

Hold Fast

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