I'm running out of options

[Kayla]

Yep. It’s me, again… Sorry.

Tuesday was my friends funeral… My department at work all went together in order to support one another, but I ended up being pushed out of the group. Not a single person who saw me unable to hold it together asked me if I was ok. They were all too busy consoling the 2 younger girls, I guess because of their age? I don’t really know. I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by people who were all saying goodbye to someone they also saw as a friend.

Every time I close my eyes I see an image of my friend, and Katie (my best friend that died of an overdose in September) and I just instantly sink to rock bottom. I’ve never felt more alone than how I feel right now. Even though I know I have people who love me here, I just feel like I can’t talk about all the thoughts that are going through my head, and it makes me feel like I have no one.

My mum is in and out of hospital with an unknown illness, but she’s really unwell, to the point that today, she told me she didn’t want to live anymore. She doesn’t remember saying it, but she also doesn’t remember any of this morning… I don’t know how to help her and it hurts.

I feel like I’m running out of options. I’ve been self-harming multiple times a week, I’ve been struggling to sleep and barely eating. I’m pretty much constantly suicidal and it got to a point today where I scared myself. I had to call a hotline because I just didn’t know what to do. I can’t help but think, what if next time I don’t make that call? I just want the pain to stop. It’s like every week something new happens, and I’m tired of suffering and hearing bad news. Self-harm isn’t working anymore, and that’s where the urge to relapse in substances comes in… I don’t want to do that, but I’m getting closer and closer. I just need some good news, or someone to hug me and tell me I’m going to be ok… Yet both of those things seem to be so far out of reach.

[Aleister]

Hey Kayla,

First of all im sorry you felt ignored at your friends funeral that must have felt like such a heavy thing to deal with. I can’t speak for them so i don’t know why they didn’t console you but im sure they weren’t ignoring you on purpose. They might have just been focusing more on the children because they probably thought they needed the most attention.

As far as picturing your two friends, and feeling alone because of it you are not alone at all. You have your Heartsupport family who i know for a fact is willing to listen. It may not be a friend, but it’s better than keeping everything bottled up inside which is not healthy at all.

Second of all i am so so sorry about your mom, i can’t begin to picture what you are going through with that. As far as helping her the best thing you can do is be there for her and support her, an love her just like you would any other day. It’s not going to cure her illness which i know is what you want, but it’s the best you can offer which is good enough. No one is expecting you to be super Kayla and figure out a magical way to help her.

Third I am so so sorry you are self harming, thinking of relapsing with subtances, or thinking of suicide. I can say this that self harming will not solve the pain, it will only distract from it for that period and then once it’s over your still left with the bad thoughts. As for relapsing with substances, is it really worth breaking your clean streak to try and numb the pain for a bit? Why break something that you can be proud of , for only a little bit of numb feelings? I don’t have any good news for you , and i know a virtual hug isn’t the same as a real hug. But i am here for you friend, and if you ever need to vent my dm’s are always open. It’s Aleister from the mod team, just so you know.

But anyways what i will do is send positive vibes and prayers your way Kayla , cause you deserve some happiness in your world right now. Stay strong and hold fast friend.

Aleister

[dirich]

Hey Kayla,

I can commiserate. I can be in a room with me and another person and still be ignored.
Seeing the image of your friend Katie makes you sink to rock bottom? When I read that I interpreted that to be Katie being there for you at a time when you needed her most!
I’m so sorry to hear of your mum’s health issues. It is incredibly difficult dealing with or caring for an ill family member.
My husband was diagnosed with dementia and lost his job when we still had a mortgage, student loans for 2 kids, and I was only earning 1/3 of the salary we were living on when he was working. My kids had already moved out o the house . I was all alone. Friends and neighbors that I had for thirty years were no where to be found. My daughter lived 1.5 hours away.
My kids don’t this but, I also thought self harm was the answer. I wanted to end it all.
Had I done that I would never known the oy of being a grandma to my most gorgeous grandson and living 15 minutes away from my daughter.
My point is this in the words of Katy Perry " After a storm comes a rainbow"
We just need to have the strength to outlast the storm and focus on the coming rainbow. I’m hugging you and you’re going to be okay. You are much stronger that you can imagine!