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I'm scared I can't keep the blackness away


#1

I have been dealing with depression for years now. I did my bit with zoloft and a therapist and have been dealing with it all much better since then. When my daughter was born 2 years ago, she had a severe form of colic that had her shrieking from 10 . 12 hours daily and then up every 2 hours (at least) at night for almost 10 months. I came close to a nervous breakdown and the only way I think I made it through without hurting her or myself was my wonderful partner and my and his family trying to help out.
I remember being angry at her. She wouldn’t stop crying and nothing I read or did or tried helped. I yelled at her, put her down in her crib roughly and ran to another room to cry. I still hate myself for it. I think I will always hate myself for it. I felt alone. Alone with a sick baby I couldn’t help. I love her more than life itself, but I shut myself down after the first few months. I was a machine. I went through the motions and felt nearly nothing.
My mother-in-law to this day lives in a dream world about what I went through and continues to make snide remarks and comments that make me wonder how the hell my SO survived to adulthood. If not for his existence, there are times I would NOT believe she had ever had a child.
Things are better now. She’s healthy, happy and bright. We are in the terrible twos, but anything is a walk in the park after our rough start.
This was my first year back at work and I got pneumonia 2 months in. My body was too tired to fight off the illness and I was bedridden for a month. A whole month without my baby girl. I had to rely on everyone else to pick up my slack. It was horrendous for me. I missed her. I wanted her to o away so I could rest. But I couldn’t stand not being able to be her mom. I struggled until I got better and went back to work.
I only work part time at the moment and sometimes clock up to 7+ hours in the car weekly. Now I have discovered that my firm is not doing well and few employees work full-time. I have been actively looking for a new job, but have not been successful yet. I pick up extra work where I can to help keep us afloat. I don’t want anyone saying that I’m mooching off my partner and I don’t want to be taken care of. Between the two of us, I am the one with the lower job and lower pay and the idea of not being able to contribute makes me sick. I stay up at night panicking about how I’m going to raise my girl and give her what she needs when I feel so lost.
There are days when I can convince myself that I’ll be alright. That I’ll figure it out. But today is not one of them. I hate that I can feel the blackness creeping back in. It is not a road I want to go back down.
I guess I could really just use a good cry and a kind word. Here’s hoping.


#2

Hi friend,

Sounds like you have been through a lot. First of all, going through what you went through is hard! What s challenge! It’s no wonder that you were so on edge. You cannot be blamed for that. We all have our limits. You obviously are a very loving momma and care for your daughter greatly. It shows. Don’t beat yourself up too much my friend. Seriously. That’s a hard challenge to get through.

I’m sorry about your mother in law. In my previous marriage my in law wasn’t very nice to me either. And she made it clear she had to “learn” to love me and only did because her son was married to me. His family often had snide remarks and it and it made me feel awful. So I can relate to that.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with your job right now. Take it one day at a time my friend. Do what you can, and try not to stress too much over the things you can’t control. I known job search is hard. Stressful and frustrating but I hope that something turns up that works for you and your family.

Your love for your family shows. That you care deeply to be a good mom and contribute and help for your family. Remember, don’t over stress what you can’t control. Okay? Be gentle with yourself. One day at a time. And we are always here to offer you encouragement and support along the way.

So much love to you

  • Kitty

#3

Thanks Kitty.

I don’t think I really knew how much I needed to hear that until you said it. I don’t live with people that offer praise often and I find myself often feeling like I can’t do anything right. I certainly get more criticism than praise and when I’m feeling low, it seems like there is nothing good coming my way.

I can’t helped feeling trapped. As if life weren’t tough enough, my daughter has been sick with a high fever and I’ve spent the last 4 days waking regularly to care for her. All of this with deadlines looming, a job search going nowhere and no one around that seems to see that I’m struggling, even when I say I am. In fact, I’m tired of telling people I’m tired and sick and in need of support. I do my best to keep up a brave face, but it would be nice for someone to notice without me having to say anything.

Thank you for being in my corner. It’s nice to have someone listening.


#4

If course. Always willing to listen my friend. :heart:️ I truly hope you are able to find some healing and resolve. Friend to friend, my inbox is open to you.