I'm scared I will kill myself tonight

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Hey,

I really just need to get this off my chest, so I am posting it here, I hope that is ok. No need to read it, I just need to get these thoughts out of my head, and if I just write them down in Microsoft Word or so it doesn’t help, I think I need the feeling of sharing them with somebody, and I really hope it is ok I use this place to do so. I don’t think I will feel better afterwards, but it is a possibility, so might as well try. But really, no need to read it or anything, I guess it will not change anything anyways.

So, I think I will kill myself tonight. And in some moments, like now, this scares me, since I sometimes feel like I should not kill myself. But I know it is better for me. I feel like this for a very long time now, and I know it is inevitable. If I do not kill myself tonight, I will do so the night after, or maybe in a few weeks. So there is no difference really. I tried to keep going because my suicide will potentially hurt some people, but I cannot go on just for them. Killing myself is my best option, and it is the very best to just do it now. Why even postpone it when I will do it sooner or later, and each tiny “later” is just sadness? There is no point in doing so. I cannot make it for some more years or so anyways. I will hurt people sooner or later.

And it sucks that people might be hurt by me killing myself, because it would be better for them. I would like them to realize this, because then they wouldn’t be sad, but I don’t know how to make them see that me being dead is not only best for me, but also for almost anyone of them. And if they do not realize this, I guess I will just disappoint them by killing myself, and I am feeling very sorry about that. I really tried to avoid it, but I can’t any longer.

At least I made it until I found a flat on my own again, so my family will not find my body. That is what my main goal over the last weeks was. I am quite surprised I made it, but that is really good. I guess it would have been very unfair to kill myself living with my family and have my little brother find his sister’s body. Yay, great achievement to not do so.

But things will never get better. I will never feel better. Ending my life is all I wanted for years now. It was worthless anyways. I was.
I guess I will be doing everyone a favor, especially myself.

Thanks a lot for giving me a place to vent, I really needed it. <3

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Hey Alex,

I’m so sorry that you’re in pain. I can tell how much you’re hurting and I’m sure it feels like there is no way out. It’s okay to feel scared like this. There is another way out of your pain. I strongly urge you to call 1-800-273-8255 tonight, tomorrow night, and every night that you need! I’m new to this forum, but I think I speak for everyone in saying that we’re all here for you to listen and read whatever you need us to hear.

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I strongly urge you to call 1-800-273-8255 as soon as you can. Actually I strongly urge you to go to an emergency room and tell them that you might kill yourself tonight. You are in a house filled with fog. Dying inside it will not clear the fog. The veil still stands and you will be thrust into the deep. You require a ladder. Get to an emergency room.

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@Alexpanda thank you for coming here and sharing your feelings. I know it might not feel like it sometimes, but I promise you there are people on your side. There are people here that are willing to take your hand and walk with you side by side through whatever you’re going through. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies and it takes some outside help or perspective to help us forgive ourselves, love ourselves and/or work through pain we might be experiencing. Remember there’s no shame in asking for help. I think it’s incredibly strong of you to post here and reach out and let people know you’re at the end of your rope. Let us catch you. Remember, we WILL walk with you.

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@jmgospo @George_Mallory @Pauldances Thanks so much for your replies. I did not expect that, and I really really appreciate it. Thanks a lot.
And I have to apologize, I guess I should not have posted this. I really just needed a way to lower my level of fear. The only alternative I could come up with was self-harming and I did not want to do this anymore. It was not my intent to waste any of your time, I’m sorry.

There really is no other way out. And if there was, I’m not even sure I would want that anymore. Sometimes I felt like I want things to get better, but most of the time I just wish that my attempt to kill myself last year would have worked, or I would have already done it properly, or I will finally do it.

Phone calls really scare me. Going to the emergency room would just make everything worse. But I really thank you for the recommendations. <3

Sharing this made me feel a little bit better for a short moment, and it helped me structure my thoughts.
So thanks again for reading it and even replying.

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@Alexpanda No need to apologize! Thanks for sharing this tough stuff. That’s very brave of you. You can always share this stuff on here. You didn’t waste my time at all! I’m sure it feels so empty and hopeless, but it gets better. I know calling is scary, but that line is going to be great and so welcoming for you. It’s just some stranger that doesn’t know you :slight_smile: They’ll answer anytime and will talk to you about anything that helps! 1-800-273-8255

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@Alexpanda not a waste of time at all! We are here for you!

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This is a US number, right? I am from Europe, I think there is a similar phone number here. But I really cannot call. When saying phone calls really scare me, I mean that even the thought of making a regular phone call makes me panic.

(Fun fact: I once walked 6 kilometers in 40 minutes when my bus did not arrive because I was too scared to make a one minute phone call and cancel an appointment. And my legs are pretty short as I am only 1.60 meters, so it was more running than walking and I had not been doing any sports for months. I was exhausted, but still better than making a phone call. That’s how much they scare me.)

Pretty stupid, I know. But even knowing that there is no reason to be that scared and that I could always just hang up, I still cannot call there. I don’t know if it would change anything anyways. I do not even know if I want anything to change. I really just want it to be over, so maybe the mindset I am in right now is, in a weird sense, actually beneficial to me, I don’t know.

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Texting HOME to 741-741 will get you this nice slow text conversation. They can provide you with links to websites that have information and resources. Has anyone ever taught you emotional management skills like how to recognize what you are feeling at any one moment and then figure out why you feel that way? It sounds simple, but it is pretty difficult. There are a lot of different skills that most people don’t teach, and the people who are on that text-line might be able to get you started.

Something that I find helpful during the endless miseries is to lower my expectations as far as they can go. I wake up glad that I still seem to be able to tell that I’m awake. Each room is a happy surprise that at least some of my things are still there. I eat breakfast and am thankful because I still have a few teeth. And I can still swallow —bonus! I can still see. I can still hear. I can breathe. My arms do what I tell them to (some days they don’t). I can still go to the bathroom by myself. I can still sometimes talk. Life is grand. Life is beautiful, even if I can’t see it right now because my vision is blurring.

Are you angry at anyone? If you kill yourself, do you know who is going to find your body? Suicide is an emotional nuke that is sometimes employed to hurt people to the fullest extent that we can. I know that right now you might not care about the fallout, but if you are aiming your suicide to hurt a specific person, you can achieve the desired result without killing yourself in the process. Suicide is overkill and takes you from a position of strength and freedom to a position of weakness and immobility. Right now you can go anywhere and do anything (at least if you qualify for enough credit cards and are willing to face the consequences). You can’t do that when you’re dead. You’ll be dead. Importantly you won’t be able to live again. Suicide is a one-way ticket. If you don’t like what is going on in your life, you have at least limited options to change or end your life. If you die and don’t like it, you’re stuck. If you die and don’t like it and you intentionally caused your death? That’s going to gnaw at you for as long as you are conscious. Humanity has yet to objectively prove what happens to us after we die. If it’s anything other than unconscious oblivion, it will be filled with regret and loathing. Maybe this is a test to see what we do when lots of bad things happen. Maybe you and I are on nightmare difficulty so that we can get more points. Maybe we are persistent intelligences that continue after our fleshy envelopes are stripped away. Maybe we’ll be graded. We don’t know, because nobody has ever come back to teach us what is on the other side of death without humanity labeling them as religious, and religion isn’t cool anymore even if it gives tangible subjective benefits.

Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. If you hold on here, you’re going to be fine. Take another deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Keep breathing for as long as you need to.

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It actually sounds really difficult to me. I am the worst at expressing feelings, and even recognizing them is often hard for me. It is all just a giant mess in my head, and very often I do not even know what it is I am feeling.

I am not angry at anyone, besides myself maybe. I really do not want to hurt anyone. I want every single person on this planet to be happy, even the ones I do not like. I do not want to cause any sadness or hurt anyone. This is the only reason I am still here.

I know suicide is permanent, and thus I will eliminate a lot of amazing possibilities. I know that, in theory, great things could happen and that I could pursue dreams I once had and all that. I know I will keep this from happening. I just still think killing myself is the only thing that is actually good for me. Not for some other people, maybe, at least not in the short term, but for me it certainly is the best thing I can do.

That actually made me smile. x) Thank you. <3

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