I really just need to get this off my chest, so I am posting it here, I hope that is ok. No need to read it, I just need to get these thoughts out of my head, and if I just write them down in Microsoft Word or so it doesn’t help, I think I need the feeling of sharing them with somebody, and I really hope it is ok I use this place to do so. I don’t think I will feel better afterwards, but it is a possibility, so might as well try. But really, no need to read it or anything, I guess it will not change anything anyways.
So, I think I will kill myself tonight. And in some moments, like now, this scares me, since I sometimes feel like I should not kill myself. But I know it is better for me. I feel like this for a very long time now, and I know it is inevitable. If I do not kill myself tonight, I will do so the night after, or maybe in a few weeks. So there is no difference really. I tried to keep going because my suicide will potentially hurt some people, but I cannot go on just for them. Killing myself is my best option, and it is the very best to just do it now. Why even postpone it when I will do it sooner or later, and each tiny “later” is just sadness? There is no point in doing so. I cannot make it for some more years or so anyways. I will hurt people sooner or later.
And it sucks that people might be hurt by me killing myself, because it would be better for them. I would like them to realize this, because then they wouldn’t be sad, but I don’t know how to make them see that me being dead is not only best for me, but also for almost anyone of them. And if they do not realize this, I guess I will just disappoint them by killing myself, and I am feeling very sorry about that. I really tried to avoid it, but I can’t any longer.
At least I made it until I found a flat on my own again, so my family will not find my body. That is what my main goal over the last weeks was. I am quite surprised I made it, but that is really good. I guess it would have been very unfair to kill myself living with my family and have my little brother find his sister’s body. Yay, great achievement to not do so.
But things will never get better. I will never feel better. Ending my life is all I wanted for years now. It was worthless anyways. I was.
I guess I will be doing everyone a favor, especially myself.
Thanks a lot for giving me a place to vent, I really needed it. <3