I don’t know what it is but I’m just scared to go home. I don’t get physically abused or anything but, I think I’m being emotionally/psychologically abused. My parents are so strict all the time and I feel like they know what is good but at the same time, it feels wrong. Im constantly pressured for school work and today my dad said something like, if your grades were 90% and above, I would back off. And he said that until the end of the year, he would be my “slave driver.” And ever time I tell him I’m tired, he is like, “good.” And I wanted to take a nap today when I got home from school and he asked me to come downstairs and he asked what I was doing. I said, “I was taking a nap.” And he asked, “Why?” and I said, “Because I’m tired.” And then he said, “No, you are going to do your homework.” So that is what I’m doing right now. I’ve never had a good relationship with my parents that I remember. And sometimes, when I show off my artwork or something that I have done that I am proud of, I don’t always get recognized. I have backed off from talking to them about things because they’ve never listened to what I have to say. I’ve been doing research about different types of abuse and that is what led me here. I don’t have access to therapists or anything because I need my parents’ approval or something like that to get professional help. And I try to get away from the house as much as possible because I hate the feeling I get when I am here. It is always so overwhelming and stressful. I have friends that I hang out with and I get a sense of love from them. However, most of them live in town and I do not. One lives farther and is going to the Philippines for the summer. And a friend that lives in my neighborhood is sick at the moment and their parents won’t let them come out yet. And recently, I’ve just felt alone because I don’t get to hang out with my neighbor as much. My dad has been making me do stuff for Math for a month and a half now. And he also said that he didn’t want to disappoint his parents. So thinking of that makes me feel like I’m just a trophy…and I know that I am not. I can’t come out to my parents because I’m not sure how they’ll react. I used to be Lesbian and my mom seemed a bit weird about it. Never talked to my dad about it. But my profile picture is what I am currently: nonbinary panromantic - demisexual. And I am now getting a little aggravated at being called “she” and “young lady” and such. But, to be on the positive side, I am glad I came across this and I hope that someone can give me some wise/useful words. Or at least some comfort. Thank you!
Hey, I’m really glad you came here to share this. It resonates with me and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
I honestly don’t know how you couldn’t be exhausted in a situation like this! Your home is meant to be a place to unwind and be yourself, and your parents aren’t providing that environment for you at all. It sounds like you’re being forced to put on a mask and be something you’re not while you’re there and that’s even worse. Being treated like this counts as abuse in my book, for sure. I want to say that early to validate you. Feeling scared to go home is horrible, it means you can never really relax. I wish things were better for you already but I know they can get better with time, and I hope my reply will help just a little bit.
There are lots of issues here. There’s the neglect, going unheard and not being listened to when you affirm your needs – if you need a nap, you know that better than anyone! Ample rest is good for a learning brain, particularly when you’re studying mathematics, and going without it has a largely detrimental effect on your ability to encode and retain information. He’s not helping you by making you overwork and it’s definitely not good that you’re tired – that’s outdated, unscientific crap. He can talk tough about being a ‘slave driver’, but I don’t think it really helps anyone. I couldn’t have a close relationship with someone who thinks they have the right to control me. You’re not a slave, you’re not a trophy, you’re your own person who has wants and needs outside of schoolwork and it’s really important that you get to pursue those too. A healthy balance is good for your health and happiness, and makes you a better student too (but mainly the happy and healthy parts!).
It’s really sad that your parents aren’t recognising the things that you love. I promise you that’s not your fault. Truly, I mean it. It’s really awesome that you’ve found art as an outlet! I hope you’re sharing that with other people too, I’m sure your friends will think it’s awesome too. If you feel up to it you could post some here or on the discord as well! I’m getting the sense that your parents have a very limited idea of who you are, which is unfortunate for them because you’re growing into your own person and there’s going to be a lot about you that they didn’t expect. In this case they’re the ones who need to grow up, I think! That’s just part of being a parent. You have every right to be whoever you want to be and it’s their job to love and support you regardless. Parents sometimes mess this up, which means their kids have to unlearn those lessons. It’s awful, you deserve to know that you’re a good person already, but you aren’t going to be stuck in this by any means. You can get help for this, even if it takes some time.
I’m really sorry that your mum didn’t accept you like she should have when you came out. I’ve been there and it just sucks. But no matter what they think, can we change who we are? The problem, again, is with their inability to face reality. You love who you love, you are who you are, and it’s on them to accommodate that. It’s never fair for a parent to insist that their child pretends to be something that they’re not. On my part, I’m proud of you for continuing to explore your identity despite all this. There are many, many people who will accept you with open arms and this community is full of them. If you share your preferred pronouns here, I’ll use them. Good on you for working on finding yourself!
You touched on therapy briefly. I know that being in school makes it really, really hard to get help, especially without the support of your parents. It’s not fair. You deserve it, there’s no doubt about that. So I’m glad you came here, for a start. There might be other options too – does your school offer any in-house counseling you could ask about? There could also be youth centers near you that I guarantee would be more than happy to help. That might also give you another place to spend time away from home, and that’ll be a place that’s safe and accepting, where you can unwind. A search on google maps in your area could help you find one, but if you want some advice seeking them out then let me know
I don’t want to be overwhelming so I’ll stop here. The main points from my perspective are that you’re deserving of all of the love, acceptance and respect. Your parents are failing you by not providing them, but that is on them and it’s not your fault. You can break out of the trap that leaves you in and still grow up to find people who really appreciate you for you, and I think you will. I hope that this has helped in some way! If you want to talk about anything at allI’m right here, but that’s completely up to you.
Good luck, sending all the love!!
Thank you so much! This really made me feel so much better already! And if you were wondering, my pronouns are xe/xem. It nice to hear that someone else agrees, my friends say similar things. And to hear from an outside voice, it feels like I’m not making things up.
Edit: And yes, it has been very exhausting to the point where I don’t even realize it’s so exhausting. This support group has been helping a bit. I don’t feel as helpless and it is a good distraction from the negative feeling I get in my house.
Xe/xem, got it! I’m glad I’ve been able to help, that’s really good to hear.
Ahh no, I feel that. That self doubt is really common in situations like this, with parents being involved especially. Your feelings are valid and I think your gut should be trusted. Parents are just people and people can be really flawed. You’re definitely not making it up.
Hallos! In the first part of the post, I thought they were just doing strict parenting as they want you to get far in life but when I began scrolling down slowly it begins to get worse. I have quite a lot of experience when it comes to abusive families. When reading this it’s on the line of mental abuse and a bit physical. Points on the mental side are not showing them being proud of you getting quite high grades and amazing artwork which can be very demoralizing for many people. Which can lead to the mindset of thinking you are a failure and I can definitely say on heart support’s behalf you’re the complete opposite of a failure. The physical abuse is quite slim but can be noticed as ‘Physical’ abuse I say this as not letting you sleep right after you come back from school a hard day isn’t right. Yes you have homework to do but being tired and doing homework will lead to worse homework to what you are capable to do after having some sleep. I bet you’re cape able enough to make planners and set out you’re own schedules you should try persuade you’re parents on doing that instead as it can lead to better preformance which means to better work / high marks and less stressful so its a win win on both sides.
The unfortunate reality is parents so often don’t take into account the feeling and emotions of their children. In this highly compativie world we live in, parents want the best for their children, but they only think it terms of academics. So often the child’s mental health is sacrified for a high GPA or superior grades. you are not alone, friend. Just know that you are valulable and amazing no matter what your grades are, and you have so much to contribute to the world outside of academics. Don’t be discouraged - you deserve respect and love and to know that you deserve to feel happiness. your feelings are valid and you deserve to feel appreciated. If your parents don’t make you feel that way, know that there are people in the world who understand your struggle and apprecite you. You matter, and your feelings matter. Don’t let cultural standards stand in the way of who you are and what makes you happy. Even if you can’t tell your parents, know that your valid and don’t be ashamed of who you are.
Hey Friend, thank you so much for your post and welcome to HeartSupport. I am so sorry that you have been feeling so put on by your parents it must feel so overwhelming to never feel like you are doing enough to please them even when you know you are doing your very best. I think sometimes our parents want so much for us to be successful that they lose sight of everything else and thats a shame as it can affect so many things from our health and wellbeing to our relationships with them. I think for a lot of parents its a struggle to really understand when a child comes out or wants to be referred to in a differed way, you have to remember they have thought of you as one way for a long time so although of course its your right of course and they have to accept it maybe you could give them a little grace as long as they are not being mean to you. I too am grateful that you are here and I hope that you stay with us. We are here to support you whenever you need it. Much Love LIsa xx
Update: Today I got in an argument with my mom. I won’t share specific details but I ended up blurting out that they were neglecting me. Then I walked out the door later and was crying for a decent time. My neighbor helped me clear my head when they got back. Then I came back to my house, and I made up with my mom. And I think i was having a misunderstanding with my parents, and I think it was a build up of emotions from the past 10 years. Cause my mom told me that they want us kids to grow up with a successful life. And they may get a little mad and stressed about it. I honestly think that they are trying their hardest, and I feel better after sharing out with my mom. We both cried for some time but we made up and I think my family life is better! I am still worried about coming out.
This is the best kind of update. Thank you for sharing this You opened up to them and they heard you, even though it took some pain to get there. I hope your dad will get the message too. Most parents want the best for their kids, so now it’s on them to recognise that there’s so much more to success in life beyond just success in school. I hope they’ll keep trying to be better. And now you know with certainty that you’re able to be honest about how you feel, and it will be okay. I think that’s valuable.
Coming out is hard, even in the best of times. I get why you’re worried about it. How do you think it might go?
Another update: Last night, my dad came home from work. He started raising his voice and it woke me up. I overheard him saying things about me to my mom. And he was really into the idea that disrespecting your family was worse than murder. He also said things about me, he called me a “fuck-up” and I’ve never heard him cuss so much. He kept comparing me to other people that he called stupid. And he said that high school was easy and that i was just wasting my time on youtube. But I’ve been working my butt off for months! And the things he said about me really hurt me last night. Its morning and I was scared to go down and eat and he wont talk to me. Which I am kinda grateful for I guess. But my mom told him (last night) that he scares me when he yells. An example, when i am doing my math and I don’t understand something, he gets all mad and yells at me for it. And my dad said, “It’s simple, if her grades weren’t low, (which they aren’t really), I wouldn’t be yelling at her.” So last night, I started crying silently and I was genuinely scared and I actually felt like I was going to throw up. And I kept having these thoughts, like: “does he really love his children?” “what kind of parent would say those things?” etc. And, my mom mentioned that I was good at art and I heard him respond, “Oh really now? She’s good at art? There are more important things, required things that she should be worried about.” And that really hurt. I feel like I bonded with my mom but I think my dad is the issue. I’ve also been getting headaches after crying so much and thinking a lot. Something feels completely wrong, and I was going to talk to my school counselor about it on Tuesday. We’ve talked about some stuff, but this has never gotten this bad. My dad also seemed mad because i “threw a fit” yesterday. I didn’t mean to make my mom cry but we made up in the end and I feel closer to her. And my mom also didn’t seem like she wanted to talk that much around dad last night either…I’ve never cried so much in one day. It was probably about a total of 5 hours or more!
Hey @Anonymous8, I’m sorry it took me some time to get back to you.
I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I’m glad that you’ve got your mother’s support right now, because your dad sounds like he’s being utterly unbearable. I have choice words for men who act like he’s acting, but I’ll let them be a matter for the imagination. Instead I’ll focus on his actions.
Your dad spoke of disrespecting your family, which strikes me as odd because he appears to be the only person disrespecting anyone right now. It sounds like what he’s really calling for is mindless obedience, and I think your instinct that something’s wrong here is totally right. You are not a machine, you are not cattle, you are a human being deserving of respect, and he’s failing to afford you that basic right when he speaks of you like this.
The awful things he’s said about you are inexcusable. You are not at all a fuck-up and you are not stupid. Not by a long-shot. Even for the sake of argument, if a person had made many mistakes or wasn’t highly intelligent, would that mean that they deserved to be treated like this? Lord no. Never.
I don’t know how long it’s been since your father has been in high school, but um, sorry mate, it’s actually quite difficult. Add on to that the stresses that you’re describing and I would call it impossible to excel like he expects. On top of that, he’s making study a source of huge amounts of stress. Does he really expect that to help you learn? The reactions you’re having to his actions really show how deeply this is affecting you, and I feel for you so much.
I’d disagree strongly with him on his dismissal of art, too. Making art is good for your stress levels and it’s good for your brain. More importantly it just sounds like you really enjoy and take pride in it. Your mum sees that it’s a good thing too. I have such great respect for artists, yourself included. Expressing ourselves in this creative way is one of the most human things we can do, and that’s an incredibly lucky thing because art makes humanity stronger. It shows us who we are and brings us closer together, it lets us shine light on the things we know but can’t yet speak. We are all better people because of the work of artists.
You deserve better than this, I am 150,000% on your side. Your instinct was right, a parent should never speak about their child the way he has. That says nothing about you or your failures, and everything about him and his. I know that you already know how ridiculous has conduct has been, but I hope that hearing it from another source helps in some way.
The other day with your mum you didn’t throw a fit, you can safely reject that false framing of the situation. You were brave and strong. You established boundaries and expressed your needs, and your mother heard you. It brought you closer together. It sounds like it was a very good thing. I hope that in the past days you’ve been able to count on your mum to continue her support. I also hope that you’ll speak to your counselor at school about this as planned.
I’ve said so much, but what I really want is to know how you’re going. Have the past two days been alright? How have things changed, and have you been coping okay? Maybe we can also talk about things we can do to make this easier, if you’d be up for that. I hope you’re well, friend. Hang in there, I hope I’ll hear back from you.
The past two days, my dad had to leave for work so I just had to wait till he left. So I would go outside and watch my baby sister till then. Or stay in my room. He hasn’t talked to me and I can sense some sort of tension. I don’t know if he knows that I heard him say those things that night. But today, he’s home the entire day and I’m not sure what’ll happen today. My headache has gone away though and I hope my neighbor isn’t busy today cause we were planning to hang out for awhile now (we’ve just been busy). But it worries me that my dad hasn’t talked to me or asked me anything. I am kind of glad but also worried that he’ll just snap at me today, so I don’t know. And I can kind of tell where hat the disrespecting parents thing came from, he did see some SUPER old messages from like years ago when I bitched about him to my friend. But that was a LONG time ago, and when we talked about that, I apologized and told him that I didn’t feel that way towards him anymore. And he said that he didn’t care. But now he’s brining up this super old thing from the past that we’ve moved on from. So, I don’t know. And I’m worried about coming out to my mom because she has told me some things. For example, that schools were pushing LGBTQ+ on kids or something and that kids shouldn’t worry about finding out about themselves at that age. But also, she said that teenagers shouldn’t worry about that stuff either. So, I’m still unsure about how they’ll react. And I don’t want to deal with unexpected anti-lgbtq talk or anything. I did come out to my uncle as nonbinary yesterday and he was very supportive! So that was a plus side to this weekend.
I’ve also kind of just been ignoring what my dad said about me cause it brings pain. I haven’t hurt myself if that is what you are worried about. And I also think about that one time when my neighbor comforted me, and that helps quite a bit too. Mostly, I’ve just been trying to keep busy. I made some things for pride month (for my friends). I looked at some of my art. Watched my sister outside (as mentioned). Cleaning my room. Relaxing with music when possible. I’m still tired and exhausted as well but not as much.
Thank you for being here for me, @Rick, you’ve been helping quite a bit. And so has everyone else, this was a good idea because I don’t feel like I am fighting alone.
I’m so glad to hear that talking this out has been helping you. You deserve the help, and you’re definitely not alone. It’s great that you were able to come out to your uncle and that he was accepting! That’s actually awesome news. I hope you’ll have a great pride month too, and I hope that you and your friends will enjoy it a lot and feel super accepted for who you are.
It’s a shame that things are still so tense with your dad. It sounds like he’s the type to hold a grudge, a little bit like he’ll only accept things if they’re done specifically his way? Either way, it sounds really stressful and I’m glad you’ve found ways to get around it for the time being. Just for the record, it’s totally fine to confide in your friends when you’re frustrated with your family. That’s normal and healthy. It’s strange that he came across those messages, but maybe I’m missing something – did he go looking through your messages, or was it some kind of accident?
It sucks a lot that there’s this constantly stressful presence around whenever you’re at home. It’s so much harder when it’s coming from a parent too, because there’s this imbalance of power that makes it hard to express yourself and set boundaries comfortably. Things won’t always be this way. In your life you never have to accept this sort of passive aggressive treatment, not from anyone. There will be times when you use your discretion and choose not to say anything, but I hope you know that if anyone ever treats you like he is in the future, you won’t be stuck with it and it won’t be on you to accommodate their unkindness. You’ll have every right to defend yourself and insist that they correct themselves.
Arrrgghhh I’m so sorry your mum said those things to you regarding LGBTQ+ people. She’s dead wrong and I’d like to talk about why, but first I’m just sad that you’re in this position. Of course you want to be open with your family about how you feel and about who you are, so their prejudices are really hurtful. It’s great that you have your uncle and your friends to validate your identity right now (and us too, of course!).
Okay, so about the idea that schools are forcing LGBTQ+ rhetoric on kids… Nope. I’m sure you know all of this already, but it’s just a silly idea. Is it forcing straight rhetoric on kids to see heterosexual relationships depicted everywhere, from TV to books to music to movies, and to hear them talked about all day long at school and at work, like we do now? This is heteronormativity in action. A large chunk of society views straight people and relationships as normal and everything else as unusual or odd, basically outside the norm. Cisnormativity is even more common, the idea that trans, nb, or intersex people aren’t normal and only cisexuality is. In schools an example of it might be that teachers are permitted to talk about getting married in a heterosexual relationship, having kids with their husbands and wives, etc. without any worries, but as soon as a gay person does so it’s political and potentially harmful to kids.
As a pan person myself, who’s had to struggle with internalised homophobia for decades unnecessarily because of this outdated thinking, I find the concept deeply offensive and I think the harms it causes are easily demonstrable. I am still fighting to accept myself today, in no small part because of this. The truth is this: if hearing about homosexuality is enough to turn someone gay, then I’m sorry homophobes, but that person is gay. If you could socialise people out of being attracted to the same sex then my homophobia-riddled childhood would have left me straight as a board, but no. I’m fruity as all get out. So their theory is bunk, and the exact same thing applies to non-binary identities. You haven’t been brainwashed, not at all, some people just aren’t educated on this and have some preconceived notions to unlearn.
It’s just silly for a parent to claim that teenagers shouldn’t worry about these things. We all do, because at that age we’re figuring out who we are. Most people get crushes in primary school before we’re even teenagers, maybe they’ll be on people of the opposite sex, and so if we care about our kids we should provide them with the vocabulary to understand themselves and the people around them.
The main point though, the point that drives me wild, is this: So? What’s wrong with more people being gay, bi, trans, nb, queer in any way? Nothing. It’s 2022 and the world won’t end if we drop sexist and outdated gender roles, while we let ourselves love the people we love. I think I got a little sidetracked here, I’m sorry! I hope this just comes off how I mean it – that you have my full support, and you deserve the support of your family too.
Back to you, it sounds like you’ve found some really healthy ways of coping with your stress! It’s great that you’ve been able to do that. It’s also super sweet of you to make some gifts for your friends. I’m sure they do/will love them! I like that you’ve been looking back over your art, it’s just nice to be able to remind yourself that you’re capable of making some really great things.
I’m glad things are trending up. I’ll still be around if you want to keep me posted on how you’re going!
Thank you! Things have actually made a positive turn! I think that there was a MAJOR disconnect and mis communication. I thought my dad was going to snap at me that day, but instead he admitted that he has been harsh the past couple of weeks. And he said that it’s important to be happy with myself and not rely on other people for happiness. I do think that my dad shouldn’t have lashed out like that but he recognized it and apologized. I do feel much better! Still not confident to come out though.
This is such a great update!! I’m so happy for you!
How you said it was perfect. He made a mistake, but he’s done a good thing by reflecting and apologising about it. I’m glad you feel better and I hope you’re feeling more comfortable at home now.
It’s totally understandable why you’d have some reservations about coming out. That’s something that should be done on your terms, when you’re ready and in an environment that feels right to you. If you feel like you want to do it soon then I’d be happy to talk about strategy. There are lots of things you could do to make it easier, like having your uncle or a/some friend/s present to support you. It’s up to you, let me know what you think.
Either way I’m very happy for you. This sounds like some good progress.
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