I took a very part time job a couple of months ago. I only work a couple shifts a month for 2-3 hours at a time. It’s doing something I enjoy. So far it’s been taking clients out in the community doing fun stuff. I even can pick my own hours. Perfect for a second job! I actually didn’t intend to get a second job. I only got into it because at the time I applied I didn’t know that summer school was going to work out. Then the day after I took the interview for the new job, I found out I could do summer school. My brain does not do good with change. So I first thought I shouldn’t take the second part time job. Because it is an “added” thing to my life. But throwing this awesome opportunity away is foolish to me. I mean, everything about it is perfect; my brain is just a wimp. I mean, I get paid for going with people to events I otherwise would go to anyways! (At least that’s how it’s been this summer). I was fine for a month and my brain got used to it. But now that I’ll be working at the school full time again in the fall, I’m starting to stress out. This intense stress in my head. I hate it! There’s no reason for it! Again, I don’t see a reason to quit just because my brain is being a pain. I mean, if school starts and it’s hard, THEN I quit. Not before, when anxiety may be making me feel this way. It’s more about how I need my weekends/those two days off after working all week.
So, I dealt with a freak out about that the past week or two. Then, just after I got over that, I ran into and slightly over a curb yesterday. I had just taken the car in for an oil change and I was thinking I was all set for my trip next week. Go to Target. Then as I was driving to a fair, that is when the curb/tire incident happened. $185 later I got two new tires (need to replace two at a time to keep the tread good). I was all set. But before they fixed the tires I had asked if they could check the rest of the car in case there was any other damage from the curb. And they drop the bombshell that a bar is bent and that will cost $280 to fix. I realized I could use insurance to fix it. So that is helping. But the stress.
I am supposed to go on a trip over 5 hours from home next week. I couldn’t find anyone to go with to this Christian conference, so instead of being super excited, I’m stressed. (Though before I got the damage to my car, I WAS excited somewhat). Now because that happened, my anxiety is up, worrying about what if something happens when I’m far from home.
I just want to enjoy life without having all this constant physiological stress in my head. Especially when I generally can rationally talk myself though things (such as with the very part time job) and yet that does nothing to calm the storm in my head, coursing through my veins. I’ve resorted to numbing myself with alcohol and aimlessly browsing social media. I literally am on the internet all day when I’m not at work. Which recently is most days (summer school is done). I am not eating much. I am so buried under this stress feeling, my brain is so scattered, that I don’t see the point of doing anything enjoyable. Cause I can’t enjoy it anyways.