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Im sick of life and am trying to get through the holidays


#1

So for a few days I was feeling kind of okay but now I’m just back to feeling numb and sad and alone. It sucks, Christmas eve and I feel so down. I kind of hate the holidays now because I feel like I have to feel a certain way and act all happy and it absolutely sucks. It’s not like I don’t have a good Christmas going for me. My family doesn’t have much money but I got some good presents so I’m grateful and I mean ofc that isn’t the reason for the season. However I’m a bit upset by my parents right now. several things have happened. I tried to make them breakfast this morning I thought it would be a nice gesture but my mom just complained and said it wasn’t that good and she made me feel bad for a while. Then while opening presents I notice one of mine on the gift tag said “Damn it” My mom yells at me a lot and a lot of times it results in her yelling damn it then my name so it’s kind of a joke that my first name is damn it. I mean yes it was meant to be funny but I don’t think it is. I laughed but inside that kind of hurt I mean that’s completely uncalled for I’m pretty mad about it. And then later I was playing a Beartooth cd and my mom started yelling at me for listening to it and called me a Satanist … (bc of the screaming in the music) so that also upset me a lot. I just don’t feel like my parents appreciate me enough. Yeah I’m kinda a worthless loser of a daughter but still. I try my best. And Christmas makes me really anxious. I have to go be around family that doesn’t like me tomorrow. My cousins are really stuck up and treat me like crap. My phone also just broke so I wont have much of a security blanket if I get too anxious. I will just be glad when the holidays are over. Everything just sucks. And I’m sick of feeling like this. Honestly it’s just becoming normal to be numb now and I hate the fact that I’m just getting used to feeling like this. and I feel so f-ing alone. I barely can stand living everyone keeps saying that things will get better but I don’t even know. I feel like my life is pointless. I feel as if I disappeared it wouldn’t matter I just don’t think anyone needs me. What even is the point of all this? I know God has a plan but I’m just lost. I just want to sit down and cry, I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I wish people loved me and cared for me but I feel like ive just been slipping away…