I started figuring out my real problems only in the last few months, after a prolonged abuse of porn that brought me down to my lowest point in my entire life. 12 hours a day for over a week where I was watching and playing porn games to escape my sadness and lonliness. It got completely out of control and it cause me to doubt my sexuality for a while. Things went up and down during these last few months, but now it seems like they’re heading only down. I’m slowly giving up on myself. I feel completely hopeless. Drained of any motivation, self-esteem and happiness. I feel absolutely empty. I wake up every day at around 4-5pm and feel like utter shit, like It’s just going to be another sad day in my sad life and things are just going to be just as bad or worse.
Over the last few years I’ve been hiding from the world because when I did get out it only hurt me more.I’m turning 21 this month and I’ve done nothing with my life. I managed to avoid almost 3 years of mandatory military service thinking I’d do things in that spare time only to end up realizing I’ve got not fucking idea what. I thought about filmmaking at first, but I despise the process of screenwriting, I don’t want to study it in university or in any other courses(this kind of learning process usually ruins things for me). Nor do I actually have a chance in succeeding in that industry so I could do it for living. So I kinda gave up on it. I wasn’t as super passionate about it, anyway. I could daydream and fantasize about scenes, but the process of making a film is just not my passion.
I’m a 5’5, skinny twerp who looks like he’s 14 years old, perhaps 15-16 if I keep my facial hair on(which looks like I glued my pubes on my chin and my stache gives very weird “is that a pedo midget?” vibes).I tried going to the gym on multiple ocassions, but I just disliked it. Felt like a chore and my longest streak was 3 months. Despite the positive effects I just ended up quitting because I still felt empty and tired of it all.
I’m a loser, no one takes me seriously, EVER. I’m treated like a child and constantly failed at what I was tasked with at work. I tried to work at the mall at a coffee shop, failed and nobody took me seriously. I tried to work for a month at my father’s business, again - failed multiple times and have been treated like garbage by the customers. Whenever I was tasked to work with customers I panicked. I also had to eat up that disgusting hypocrisy and manipulation that my dad’s girlfriend tried to use on me, trying to humanize herself so I’d like her and get along with her. So I put on a fake mask and did just that but HATED every fucking moment of it.For context: My parents divorced over 5 years ago because my father was cheating on my mom(they never loved each other anyway, never have I ever witnessed love between them)with a disgusting person who ruined many families and lives and got away with it because she knows the “right” people.
People tend to sometimes act kinda rude towards me, like questioning my age while holding my fucking ID card and looking at my birth date “are you really 20??? That’s weird”. Most of the time it’s not people being mean but it just hurts me really bad.No girls take me seriously, this much is fucking obvious. My genes are shit. Not attractive ,look like I’m barely into my teens and of course, my dick is small(not micro, but small). Bad eyesight, too. I fucking hate glasses.
Now to the main reasons I fucking loathe myself:I was never good at anything nor am I now. Not even in playing video games, which I’ve been doing almost exclusively for the last 3 years of my shitty life. I have no apparent talent nor any passion. I’m stuck in my dusty room, 0 self-esteem, completely insecure and afraid of the world outside. Sitting here in my family’s small apartment that’s practically falling apart in a shitty neighborhood. My mom, after all that she’s been through: dealing with breast cancer(surgeries, chemo radiations and what not)has to see me like this. She’s a working woman, a great mother. She gives me more love than I deserve. But I hurt her by being a nobody who’s incapable of leaving his room.
All the people I’ve known along the years, family and friends, are all moving forward and doing things…their parents are proud. My sister got a boyfriend, a great guy, she’s very pretty and is now trying to start a career in modeling. She’s also a great singer and has an incredible voice without even trying. She’s going to go far and I’m happy for her.
I’m just frozen at the same spot I’ve been in for the last 3 years of my life. I’ve never had a girlfriend, good-for-nothing, not talent at all and a shit load of mental baggage…It’s eating me up. I just can’t take it. Even when things were looking good, it always crushed back down. I just can’t take this shit anymore. I feel empty. I also desperately want a relationship, but I got nothing to give in any aspect. I’m broken and bitter…I can’t even put a leash on my porn addiction, I feel like I’m slowly drawn back to it after months of desperately trying to fight it(it escalated to trans porn and gay cartoon crap, but I have zero interest in actual men in any way, shape or form). I just feel like nothing good is going to happen for me. I tried, I fucking tried but only got hurt. Nothing helped, not even professional therapy(multiple therapists).
I’ve got OCD and social anxiety, and recently I started giving less shit about my “rituals”, and not because I don’t ‘believe’ in them anymore - but because I honestly slowly stop giving a shit to whatever might happen to me. I just don’t care. I started thinking about suicide more often, but not in a way of “I’m going to do it” or “really wanna”, but what would happen if I actually went through with it? Everytime I look into my future it’s pitch black, nothing would come up but unrealistic fantasies that will never become reality.
I’m just tired of everything…