You are not a failure. It’s a difficult moment but a relapse doesn’t define you nor your worth. I understand that you may be very disappointed right now. And it’s totally natural to start to question everything in your life. It’s natural to be scared as well. It’s okay to feel how you feel. But right now you only deserve tons of love and support. Because relapses can make us feel very vulnerable and desperate. We lack our sense of belonging. I’ve been there recently, and I know it hurts. You’ll need some time to process, to breathe and see things as they are truly.
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling like disappearing would be better. But I can assure you that you don’t ruin everything. You’re struggling, yet you keep trying. You deserve to give yourself the credit of your efforts here. Everytime you try, you become stronger. Even if, unfortunately, the results doesn’t happen immediately. Our mental health can be very complex. It takes time to heal. But everytime you take care of yourself is a victory in your recovery.
I don’t know for how long you’ve been taking this medicine or having a therapy, but don’t hesitate to talk about this with your therapist. It’s their job to listen and provide you the help that you need, depending on where you are in your life right now. If there are some adjustments to be made, they’ll need your help for that. If you feel like nothing is working, you can totally share your worries with them and see if it’s a matter of time or if you both need to change your strategy. It’s okay. Unfortunately, recovery is frustrating sometimes as it feels like a succession of “fail and retry”. But you always learn something, every time you try. It feels like you come back at the same place again and again, like you’re stuck, but you’re not. You’re also learning to know yourself better, progressively.
Take it easy, friend. There are some obstacles on the road, but you’ll get through this.
Sending lov your way.