T minus 4 days til Warped Tour in Milwaukee. I should be absolutely excited. And, the day of, once I get there and realize all this fear was for nothing, I will be. But right now I’m feeling stressed and anxious, as usual.
It’s not just the driving. My very gracious friend is letting me stay in her apartment even though she’s not there. But I have this sort of insecurity about staying in a new city, alone, in her place. Like hardcore anxiety. What if I have trouble finding it? No one will be there to help me out. It’s 40 minutes out of my way, further than I need to drive to get to the Warped venue. I don’t like the idea of staying there alone. All preemptive stress.
Now I’ve got pain in my breast, and there’s a lump. For the love of God, I do not have the mental capacity to deal with this! I’m over the top with all the other stress in my life. It’s not just the what ifs, but the stress of having to find a doctor (I just moved back here), make an appointment,and also the financial ramifications. Because my income will go up since moving back to the States, I will owe the government a bunch of money at the end of the year. They won’t let me pay ahead of time. I asked. Plus, if income goes up my deductible will go up. So, I’ll end up having to pay that back. Plus medical bills.
Nope. Not doing it.
I’m done. It probably is fine. But if it is something bad, guess what? Let it kill me. I’m not fighting to live when living is just going to bring more stress and misery. Nope. Not gonna do it.
If God would like to heal me, if it’s something bad, he is more than capable. Otherwise I. Don’t. Care.
I’m really sorry to hearing that your anxiety seems to be getting more intense since the last time you posted. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like a lot of your anxiety is caused due to Warped Tour coming up. Because of this, set a goal to make it to the day after Warped and look forward to making it, because once Warped ends, your norepinephrine receptors (“fight-or-flight” mode) will begin to relax, thus slowly bringing down the anxiety symptoms (and, subsequently, depressive symptoms) that you’re experiencing.
I’m not an expert in the medical field, but if you’d prefer to wait until you find a new doctor, I would suggest doing some personal research on what exactly the lump could be. Maybe keep an eye on it - if it gets more painful or larger, then to consider seeing a doctor.
Please let us know when things get better; it’s right around the corner. Hold tight!
@NomadicWanderer As a cancer survivor after nearing the end of 8 months of treatment, I may have some helpful advice for you. First, pain in your breast may simply be cysts or fibroids related to your cycle. But you won’t know until you go get looked at. Please go to a doctor as soon as you can find one. I get that there is stress related to finding a doctor, and worrying about all of the results and costs after your move and financial changes, but check with friends or online for doctors who might be good options for you to visit. Also, if you have fibroids you’re likely to just pay for medical visit with mammograms or ultrasounds and labs, which isn’t fun but is definitely NOT as expensive as cancer treatments. If it does turn out to be something more, there are people who can help you if your insurance isn’t covering everything or the deductible is too large. I was surprised to find there are many resources for help if you do get diagnosed…from financial to assistance in the home and beyond. But just please start with the first step…and go get checked. Worry about the rest as it unfolds or you will make yourself feel worse. Take baby steps to the elevator, but take those baby steps!
If you can hold back some of your earnings til the end of the year since you’re willing to pay taxes in advance, would that help at all? At least then you have a way to plan ahead somewhat. Also, if you aren’t aware, you can do a payment plan with the IRS if the taxes are too high for you to pay at once. If you don’t have the funds ASAP to pay the taxes, they will work with you. Not ideal but at least it’s something to consider, and it can wait til tax time so you can deal with other issues.
In the meantime, as Eric pointed out, it does sound like your anxiety is ramping with the nearing of the tour date and everything revolving around that event. So hopefully there will be a some relief for you soon. It’s ok to be scared and it’s ok to feel like you’re done, given the amount of stress you are under. We will be here to hear you and encourage however you need it.
Thanks for the responses! The problem is, I really don’t care to fight anymore. I’ve fought my mind/stress/anxiety/depression for the past year and a half. I have nothing left in me to deal with this physical problem. (Which I’m thinking the mental stress has played at least a partial role in causing. There’s no way I can go as long as I have with excess cortisol coursing through my body, for it to not make a negative impact on my health.) My mental reserves are empty. I just can’t.
I need to go have an awesome time at Warped. Get a job. Settle in to life. Then deal with it.
Trust me you are not the only one that’s alone in that city that’s going to Warped Tour. And just try to relax and enjoy yourself in the meantime. Don’t try to think about the negative, It invites more onto your anxiety. More of It will create a panic attack. Please don’t let that happen. I want you to have fun. (cause this is the last Warped Tour ever…sigh)
The bands I really wanted to see, Fit for a King and August Burns Red, aren’t playing the date I’m at. So, just looking forward to volunteering with Heart Support. And seeing Wage War.
First off, I freaking love you and you mean a lot to me.
Secondly- man I know how hard this must be. I know I have privately messaged you about this but man I have been there.
It gets really hard sometimes to keep going and to take care of ourselves. Sometimes I just want to stop taking my medication and going to the doctors and just waste away what I have left.
But that is NOT the way to go about this.
Friend you are a fighter and you are awesome and amazing and I could go on and on with reasons as to why you should look into this and keep fighting.
Please please please do not fall for that thought and please don’t put your life in the hands of fate. It’s your life- not Fate’s.
Same here. I went to the one in Dallas and the bands that I wanted to see didn’t attend in Dallas. But I did see Wage War and they are awesome and the crowd was wild. Only complaint about the whole day was that It was hot out there AF!
Friend you life matters it doesn’t matter the direction it takes it matters what you do with it! You are going to be changing lives out there at the HS Tent. Focus on the energy and the positivity of that. You will make it through this I promise. God doesn’t do anything without a reason and I think this personally will be one of the best things.
Now about the lump, it could be a reaction to stress. Anxiety is manageable and is a good thing. It makes us who we are. Don’t let this time in your life be the most stressful. Turn that energy into something that is positive and brave.
We love you here.
Hold Fast,
PMacDanceDude (Patrick) Team Out of the Ashes
I actually found a friend who will let me stay at her house a couple of nights. She’s about 10 minutes from the venue! I have a different friend who tells me that God always comes through at the last minute. It’s so true! haha
I’m’ SO grateful for this.
But, if I’m going to be really honest, I’m still not totally okay.
I feel like I’ve been dealing with chronic stress/anxiety for a year and a half. Isn’t that enough misery? Now I have to deal with this pain/lump. It’s Not. Fair. I don’t have the energy!
I haven’t done anything today. I’ve literally just laid around on my bed looking at Facebook, Instagram, etc. And ate Iunch. So that’s a plus. I’m SO SICK of dealing with life. I just think, if this is the way it’s gonna be let me die. I’m done.
Friend, you know, wish I could have the chance to go to the Warped Tour. Anyway, there something you need to be absolutely clear about.
Life is worth living.
There are so many experiences in life, there’s so much to learn, to know, to taste, to feel. So many people to find in your way, to help them, to be helped, to hold strong together.
It’s true, it’s not easy, but as there are people whose life seem more enjoyable than ours, there are people that struggle much more than us. Please, please take some time to find how precious your life, your position in the world is, and how important you are for those who care about you. You have friends, maybe a family, those people want you in their lives for a long time. So please, go to a doctor, with no shame tell your friends how are you feeling, what are your problems, maybe they would be glad to help you getting the appointment to the doc, or even paying for it. And make yourself the opportunity to give all that love you are given back to the world. You are going through a lot, and it’s amazing to see you still have the will to enjoy a good concert as Vans Warped.
Remember, don’t be ashamed to ask for help, because you can be helpful too.
The problem is, I really don’t care to fight anymore. I’ve fought my mind/stress/anxiety/depression for the past year and a half. I have nothing left in me to deal with this physical problem. (Which I’m thinking the mental stress has played at least a partial role in causing. There’s no way I can go as long as I have with excess cortisol coursing through my body, for it to not make a negative impact on my health.) My mental reserves are empty. I just can’t.