I was right, things got worse. So much worse. I don’t think I’ve felt this bad in a long time. It’s comparable to how I felt in 7th grade. No, honestly, it’s worse.
Most of the time I just keep thinking about how much I want to die. Let me emphasize want. The thing is, my mental health does this thing where since I consider death to be a release from feeling bad, and I feel like a horrible person who deserves this, I don’t actually kill myself. I want to, but I don’t.
I’m out of therapy for a while because we have to transfer me to my new therapist but my Dad won’t call the office to get it done so honestly, who knows how long it’ll be. It could be a few weeks, or it could be never. Knowing my dad, I probably won’t be back in therapy until I can do it myself which would mean I literally have to survive my way through the rest of high school.
I’m so incredibly exhausted. I haven’t showered in almost a week, the only thing I have the mental energy to do is to cry or think about how much I want to cry. It makes it so much worse because if I have a panic attack or a flashback I end up feeling too tired to function the next day and I can’t do anything.
Recently, I’ve also been very careless with self-harm. For anyone who understands the shtwt terminology, I’ve started doing styros on a regular basis so uh… not great.
God, I don’t even know what to put here. I’m just so hopeless.
I had to look that up and I guess that’s what I did. I didn’t know there was a name for it.
It sounds like you’re having a pretty bad time. I’m so sorry that you (and others) have to go thru this horrible crap.
I have some questions about SH. Why do you do it? What do you get from it?
I don’t know why I do it actually. I guess some part of me is just hooked on going deeper because in my head the deeper I go the more I’m hurting, even though that’s not true. I guess I’m just addicted to it at this point, the pain, the release I get from it.
Are you trying to punish yourself or feel good?
I think recently it’s took more of a turn to feeling better.
How does it make you feel better?
It just does. When I do it I just stop crying, everything feels better for a bit.
How many scars do you have?
I cut for a very long time. I don’t do it anymore, because it’s useless. Look at all your scars, really look at them and ask yourself if you are in a better place because of them.
PS if that creeped you out, I’m sorry. I had a point I wanted to make.
have you ever tried using a pen to mark the skin, without cutting it?
Is it that you feel better because you stop crying (so that makes your mood better), or because you have actually engaged your mind into an activity and therefore you have distracted yourself from thinking about everything else?
If you could use all that energy to do something else, it might make you feel better also? is there any other hobby or passion you had/have that you can do? Something like requires some physical effort, like gardening or painting or sculpting?
EsRivs responded to your post today live on stream with some wonderful words of encouragement and support!
Here is a link to the video so you can watch her reply
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