I’m a 23-year-old walking disaster. It’s been over a year, but I’m still recovering from a 2 year physically and emotionally abusive relationship. (I relied heavily on Heartsupprt when I was involved in that relationship.) I have GAD and Bipolar 1 so every day is a battle for me, but I’m used to it. I’ve been able to handle it really well this last year, mainly because I got into a relationship with someone that actually loves and respects me. He’s done great handling my mood swings and meltdowns. He’s been my biggest supporter through everything. In the last couple of weeks, that hasn’t been enough and I feel like he’s getting frustrated.
I’ve recently graduated from college, which was a huge struggle. I was the first in my immediate family to complete a four-year college degree. However, I regret getting the degree that I got, and that sucks because I was so proud of the work that I did and everything I had to overcome to get it. I want to go back more than anything to get the degree I want, but I don’t have the money to. Student loans now are crushing me, and a lot of people are telling me it’s not worth it or they make fun of the degree I want.
I had a great job, but they added a new general manager to our team. She made the work environment so toxic that myself and the other assistant manager were forced to quit or get fired a few days before we would be able to get unemployment. Now it’s impossible for me to find another job. I’ve been living off of what’s left in my bank account, and my boyfriend has been covering rent and house bills for me. If I got paid for every rejection e-mail I’ve gotten I wouldn’t need a job. Without a job and a useless degree I feel like an epic failure.
I think I’m getting to be too much for my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for over a year and have never had a fight until these last few weeks. I feel like I’m losing everything and I don’t know how to save it. I’ve tried to pull myself out of my depression, but when I think I do I end up getting lost in a different emotion, like anger.
I don’t even know what I’m writing or why… I just know I need something before I start getting those suicidal feelings again.
Breathe. Deeply in, deeply out. Move your fingers; curl and uncurl them, wiggle them. You can use this to help channel your emotions. Depression is a very dark place. I like to think of the voices that tell you bad things as a hydra; many heads, saying many things, but all of which are lies.
You have a lot going on, anyone would be in turmoil. But try to remember and remind yourself that you are not worthless or useless. People get frustrated from having to deal with the same thing over and over again, I know, I’ve been there, I am there.
You can use your feelings of anger for good, though. Turn the anger back in on itself. Don’t use your anger to tell yourself that you’re “not good enough”; use it to shout back at the darkness “Shut up! I am good. I have value. I can get through this.” The thoughts that tell you that you are “bad” are only there to hurt you, so fight back.
It’s a long, long road, and there’s no shame in needing help or breaking down. But every time you feel that nagging sense of doubt, shout back at the darkness. There is no true time wasted if you learned from the outcome.
You can always go back to school later. It’s never too late, and your degree is your business and your happiness. Don’t let others dictate your future.
You can do this, it won’t be easy but you can do this.
You have value. You have worth. You are not useless. You. Can. Do. This.
I do not have much, but I think that a little is more than nothing:
You did not get only a degree from college, you got knowledge. A degree without knowledge is useless but knowledge without a degree is not.
You can meet with your psychiatrist to make short-term adjustments to your medications during particularly difficult times and then you both lower them after the storm has passed. Your body is making a lot of stress hormones right now and that will mess up any medications that you are on. Less stress hormones, less medications.