I'm so lost, please help

Hey guys. I’m sorry I’ve not been much help on the support wall recently but I’m in a real deep depression right now that I really don’t know how to get out.
Everyday I wake up staring at my phone fighting the urges to phone in sick to work because I physically and mentally cannot get myself awake enough to get out of bed… When I do get to work, the entire shift is filled with anxiety and panic attacks for reasons I’m not even sure of myself. My job is the one thing I’m good at, if I can’t do that and I’m incapable of even being loved by my parents what the hell am I alive for? If I’m not working or talking to people from my support groups then I’m contemplating overdoses and thinking about every single reason why I should be dead. I’m worthless, I’m never going to get better, I’m a waste of time and energy and everyone would be better off without me.
The few times I’m not feeling that way is filled with constant abuse from my parents and reminders of how much of a shit person I am in comparison to my sisters. Other than when I’m on the phone with those I love, the only time I ever get any relief from those thoughts other than those 3 things is when I’m high, drunk or harming. These urges and temptations are there EVERYDAY. Getting stronger and stronger. I’m out of ideas on how to cope with the constant suicidal thoughts, urges to harm, cravings for drugs and alcohol. I’m going downhill when I should be making progress. The last few days my plan to overdose has been getting more desirable and I don’t know how to fight it anymore. I can feel myself starting to withdraw from the people that care for me and love me. I’m completely out of fight and running low on energy. I can’t take much more of it. As much as the overdose is looking more and more attractive, I don’t think I want to die… I just want this pain to end and I don’t see any other way. I don’t know if any of this makes sense even, my brain is just friend right now.

I’m here, I promise, but I’m leavign work at the moment… Let me get home and get my kid taken care of, and I"m gonna respond again!! Just wanted you to know someone is here and they DO care!!

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Hey friend.
It’s important to take care of yourself, so don’t apologize for not mentally being able to help as much lately. You are more important at the moment!
Just know that you’re not alone and we’re all here to help. We love and care for you and we want you to be safe and healthy! Is there any way that we can help you to feel better?
-Kels

Hey Kayla. First of all, I’m glad you’re reaching out and not trying to deal with these thoughts by yourself. That’s awesome <3 And please do not apologize for now having the time and energy to help others with their issues - we’re all here to support each other, but that requires that us ourselves are in a mental place where we are able to do that. Your support to others is always appreciated, but absolutely no one is expecting you to always be there. We all struggle and need to focus on ourselves sometimes.

I’m sorry your parents aren’t given you the love and support you deserve. Their love should be unconditional and you shouldn’t have to compete for it against your sisters. That is not your fault, it’s on them. I can understand why you struggle with addictions and abusing harmful substances to numb that feeling of not being good enough.

Please understand that you’re not a failure for having a setback in your recovery. Those are part of it. I have absolutely never heard of a recovery story that was smooth all the way through - if it was that easy, mental illnesses and addictions would not be a thing at all. You’re hitting a rough spot on your road to getting better but it does not reset the progress you have already made.

I know you’re low on energy and keeping in touch with people can be really exhausting (I personally tend to isolate myself when things get rough). But if being around the people who genuinely care for you and love you, being with our community here on HeartSupport, helps you, then I hope you can find the energy it takes to keep us updated and reach out to us. We care about you so dearly and we want to be there for you, in your success and your dark times. Especially the latter. <3

Hold fast. x

Honestly right now I don’t know. I just feel like I want to be alone but I know it’ll just result in me using or worse.

Kayla, try to ask those close to you to stay nearby, the watch you, to distract you. Find something to distract you, draw on your arm, learn how to play an instrument, get a pet. THERE IS MEANING IN YOU AND IN LIFE. Have hope, and take it from me, from us. Your parents don’t understand you, and they don’t need to. That’s THEM, and there’s NOTHING wrong with you.
Don’t give in, don’t let those demons and thoughts win. I’ll be super mad. I need you. We all need you here.