I think I need help. I hate my body, my mind and my life.
I didn’t think I needed help before because it felt like the person wasn’t me.
I started of not eating by giving all my food to my friend because I had the perfect excuse as they said the only place they really got food was at school since their parents were at work.
I also started exercising more. I run track for two hours straight after school sometimes longer. Sometimes I faint but it’s ok because I have a thing where I normally faint a lot anyway
Not long ago now for the first time I did something I never thought I would, the thoughts were so strong at break so I ran to the toilets and I balled my eyes out, while doing so I put two fingers to the back of my throat and well you know.
I don’t do it very often just a few times a week but It can’t be that bad. I also started taking food replacement things. I took them from my mums medicine cabinet knowing she wouldn’t realise they are gone. 3 a day. I know I’m just going down the same route as before and I will get threatened with the feeding tube but I just can’t stop.
Sorry for the huge paragraph I just needed to tell someone 
Hey @panda_pop,
Thank you so much for sharing this and for your trust. You’re always very welcome to share as much as you need to. It’s a very courageous step to say ‘I need help’. This is not only something to be very proud of but it also means that there is a part inside of you that knows that something is wrong, that you’re hurting and that you need help.
There is this sneaky voice of the eating disorder that says you’re not sick enough to get help, that it isn’t that bad. The truth is though that it is bad and that the longer you wait to intervene the more difficult it will get to overcome this. It doesn’t mean it would be impossible but so much harder and relapse rates are lower the earlier you get help.
It is not sustainable to live this way and I would like you to take steps to get help. Of course, what you do is always your choice. I’m only making suggestions. However, if there is an adult in your real life that you trust, please consider opening up to them and share what is going on. I’m not working in the mental health field, but it sounds like it requires professional help.
You deserve to get better and to be supported to improve your mental health. Untreated eating disorders won’t just disappear at some point. On the very contrary, they become chronic and they very much like to stick around for a long time. If you have access to treatment, seize this opportunity. Your future self will be incredibly grateful.
Hi there @panda_pop
Sincerely, thank you for the trust you’ve shown in sharing this with us.
I just want to say that you matter to us, and that you totally have something wonderful and amazing to contribute to this world with your presence here in it. we love YOU, the whole of you, all of it, just because of you being you.
This post shows a lot of bravery. Eds can have a powerful voice, and be sneaky about it too. It’s hard to battle thoughts alone sometimes, and that’s when it’s a great time to reach out for help. I hear you friend, you’re in a rough spot, where you’re disliking yourself, but you totally deserve to feel happy and comfortable with yourself.
Do you have a trusted adult you can tell? You say “again”, has this happened before? If so, then it seems that it’s time to reach out to your in real life support system as well and let them know what’s going on. This is a difficult situation, you deserve assistance and support to go through it and into recovery. You are loved and you are worthy of that love.
Please reach out and let them help you with this.
You’re brave and you’re strong, AND it’s also okay to not feel brave and strong too, we’re here for you always.
Panda_pop,
Thanks so much for sharing this. It’s hard to see yourself on a downward slope, seeing yourself take more and more serious actions…it can feel harder and harder to see yourself ever getting out of this situation, especially if you have to “climb back up out of this hole”, it feels like - damn that’s a really deep hole…it’s easier to avoid the idea of getting better, when it feels like it’d take so much effort to do so, so first off I just applaud your courage to express the desire - I WANT to get better. Brilliant.
I think the thing that’s most important for me when I start to consider recovering from any kind of unhealthy habit is…do you understand WHY you’re doing this?
You said that you hate your body. Why? Where did you develop a hatred for your body? What is the body that you “want”? What do you get when you get that body? Is it acceptance? Or is it love? Or is it the feeling of being good enough to belong?
Let me fill in some of this with examples from my life…
I struggle with an addiction to porn. I use porn to cope in an unhealthy way with negative stress in my life. The REASON I “think” that it helps me is because when I’m stressed, it’s usually because I feel inferior. I feel less than other people, like they’re better than me, and I’m down here worthless than them. When I was young, I would feel this often, and one thing that happened in my story, is that many of my peers had sexual experiences earlier than I did, and it felt like they would “condescend” to me / “lord” their sexual experience over me…for example, “Oh YOU don’t know what PORN is??” or “Oh YOU haven’t seen a girl naked?” That’s what it always felt like. So I began to associate “gaining sexual experience” with “superiority”. So not only am I drawn to the physical release / chemicals of the addiction itself, but I’m also using it as a way to “make myself superior” when I feel inferior. <— now, these are lies, but UNDERSTANDING /why/ I do things helps me first off not feel so crazy, but second off start to find a path forward.
For you - could it be that you had people in your life belittle you because of the way your body looks? Could it be that you saw your parents praising other people who had better bodies than you? That you were rejected by someone you loved for someone else who had a better body? Or that someone rejected you for your body in a safe relationship? Where did this focus on “if I improve my body, I become more worthy/accepted/loved/etc” originate?
If you can do some soul searching on that topic, it would help illuminate a more targeted path forward.
Thanks again for stopping by the stream today <3 had a blast.
-Nate
thanks for the help!! it is much appreciated and i wil start asking myself “why” a little more. i have a feeling it could be that the whole time i have grown up i have had expectations from my parents (especially my mum) to not only do great in school like my older siblings but also have kinda like a “model body” comenting on whenever i would gain “a bit of a tummy” or saying “your gona be as big as a house” if she saw me eating something a little unhealthy. i guess thats also why i struggle when all these people are asking me to tell a trusted adult because i feel like i never really have or will have one,i know its not these peoples fault because they dont know my situation but i still struggle with it.
thank you for sharing some of your life examples, you are amazing <3
Hi Panda,
I’m coming in a bit late here, but I needed to tell you how brave I think you are. Sharing this, that took some courage and I hope that it’s going to be the first stage of a healthier life for you.
I’ve managed to skirt around where you are now for most of my teenage + adult life. I’ve always regulated heavily what I eat, sometimes cut down on a meal for a few days if I see myself in an unflattering mirror, done ridiculous amounts of exercise in the middle of the night, made myself sick a few times, but never consistently. It gives you a sense of control doesn’t it and that control is addictive? Now, I would say that I have a form of eating disorder and I go to therapy in part to keep myself on the right side of healthy. I think at the moment you are spiraling and you’ve recognised that you need help to pull you out of this. Recognising that you need help is the first and most important step changing your life.
As others have said, and I know this is hard, you need to tell someone that you trust who can help you work out a plan to manage this. I would also recommend seeing your doctor with this trusted person. Not eating enough will leave you vitamin-deficient and and being sick regularly can make you very dehydrated (which you may not notice). This can just make you feel even worse on top of everything else, which you don’t need. The doctor will be able to do some tests to help you with that.
I don’t need to tell you that managing an eating disorder is hard. But with support and therapy, it is more than possible. This is the start of things getting better my friend. Hold fast 
Well that will certainly form a very negative self-image when your own siblings are saying those kinds of things to you.
It feels like, “If I have any visible flaw, I will get criticized.” That’s a really scary place to be. So you’ve developed this habit of evaluating your body for any potential flaw. You want to be able to catch it before they do so they can’t criticize you. The problem with this thinking is that it leads YOU to take THEIR place, and you’re constantly criticizing yourself!
But again, it comes back to the Data and the Question.
Your body, your weight, your looks - this is all actually just DATA. Your looks are neither good nor bad. It’s the QUESTION that assigns the meaning. So check this out:
Question that will lead to negative thinking:
Could my siblings criticize the way I look right now?
Likely the answer is “YES”, so you conclude “I’m fat, I’m a failure, etc.”
Question that will lead to positive thinking:
Is my body supporting the basic functions to be alive?
YES - wow oh my gosh my body is amazing!
^^^ I know that might sound ridiculous, but if you actually suspend your disbelief and sit in that interpretation for a second, you can feel the difference.
Here’s another example of a Question that would lead to HEALTHY PROGRESS:
Am I currently taking care of my body in healthy ways?
Or…In what ways can I improve the kindness I feel towards my body?
Or…What’s one healthy thing I could do for my body today? Not out of shame, but out of a desire to take care of my body?
^^^^ These kinds of questions focus your mind on a totally different track with your body and focus on /care/ and /kindness/.
This will take practice, but it can provide immediate results, AND you can improve at it over time.
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