I'm so mad right now

[Mystrose]

(For context because not everyone knows. My boyfriend had surgery and his arm is in a sling, so I am literally his right arm)

My boyfriend called me from the other room, so I went to see what he needed and he just says, “bathroom.” I’m like thinking to myself, can you fucking say please? I get him back in his chair and his eyes are on the TV the whole time I’m getting his blankets on him. No emotion…just staring. No glances up at me with appreciative eyes, no chit chat… Nothing.

Then, I tell him how I feel because I’m triggered and he gets that glazed look on his face like, “oh shit here we go again” and made me feel like a crazy person and all I’m doing is just trying to explain to him how that triggered me. He isn’t saying anything just looking half at the TV and half at me. I’m getting agitated because now everything is triggering me. Every eye shift he makes, his breathing, the shitty little condescending smile on his face and the fact that he keeps looking at the TV instead of me while I’m trying to talk to him. He was being very dismissive.

You ever hear the saying, “just nod and smile?” That’s what I felt he was doing and it made me feel that my emotions were not important. Even if I misinterpreted his facial expressions or even the whole situation, which does happen… he didn’t have to act like that. He could have set me straight like he has in the past.

So, what do I do? I go off and shit flies out of my mouth and I start pointing out all the little things that he does or doesn’t do that prove to me that he doesn’t give a shit about me.

It really pisses me off when he acts like this. If I’m crossing boundaries or you want me to stop being “BPD,” then just tell me. Don’t act like I’m being crazy and dismiss my emotions.

I normally wouldn’t post about this type of thing, but I’m really pissed and I want to go back out there and yell some more, so instead I’m ranting here.

Thanks for listening.

[Micro]

I’m glad you feel safe enough even during that kind of moment to share what’s on your heart here.

This must have been a roller-coaster of emotions for you and I’m sorry things escalated like this. It hurts when the person closest to you sounds dismissive or even ignoring consciously what is happening. Reading your post has reminded me when I was subjected to silent treatment by my mother, as a child, and how much it is something that tends to be still distressing to me as an adult. Not saying things, or saying them halfway, is worse than not addressing them at all.

It sounds that your boyfriend was really in his own bubble at the moment. Not excusing anything of course - I imagine there is quite a lot of tiredness on both ends there given the situation. Although something he will need to realize is that your presence and help shouldn’t be taken for granted. There’s a strong relationship for sure, but that doesn’t mean help and support to one another shouldn’t be acknowledged as such.

Do you think this could be an interesting opportunity to eventually clarify things if that would be needed? Now that you are seeing (going to see?) a therapist, it might be a welcomed third party for your boyfriend and you to be present to each other differently?

When I was really struggling, at some point my partner got kind of fed up by my struggles. Not by me and he wasn’t questioning his love for me, but I did see it as extremely dismissive and as if I was the problem. My expectations were what they were, and he objectively couldn’t respond to it anymore - at least on a matter of healing and coping with my emotions/thoughts. This perspective started to change and evolve once I have decided to turn to a therapist and dedicate this space with them for my personal thoughts, issues, daily struggles, etc. I kind of partitioned a little more the things I was experiencing and who I would address it with or which resource I would use, which clarified everyone’s position.

Objectively, at some point for our partners it can be heavy if we rely too much on them to help with our struggles (not saying that’s what you do, it seems to be what your boyfriend perceives there). Sometimes there’s a separation that needs to be more clearly identified between the “partner” and “therapist” role. There is some balance and harmony to find in the relationship itself, which pushes us to make adjustments from time to time. Maybe a clear conversation about both of your struggles and each role in your relationship could help clarify things, and avoid that kind of interaction in the future?

Once again, you are not the problem. It’s just heavy to deal with our mental health struggles sometimes, and it does affect the people around us. What is unfair though, is if it becomes an excuse to point fingers out at you during circumstances that would have nothing to do with your struggles or triggers. If there is some kind of unsaid resentment or unsaid disconnection regarding each role, it can suddenly appear during unexpected times like this. So I hope some honest and respectful communication there could go a long way for both of you.

You are loved right as you are, Mystrose.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Rosie

I would like to say something and you know that not everything i say always comes out exactly as planned so bear with me.
I dont think this has anything to do with BPD, it may do later when you are still ruminating about it, that may well be but I think maybe this is a time when this is nothing to do with BPD but a natural frustrated, tired annoyed response to someone being rude to you. You are working your butt off, you dont feel well you are mentally and physically exhausted and you get spoken to like that!!! He wouldnt have even got to the bathroom before we had. had a discussion.
So I guess what I am trying to say in a odd roundabout way I think is firstly this is not always about bpd so stop fretting about that also you can loose your temper without being the biggest monster on the planet, you didnt hurt anyone, and even if you did misread a facial expression that is perfectly normal when angry or wound up too, Also now you are posting rather than yelling. BPD be gone, you had a normal reaction to someone peeing you off. I actually think you dealt with it very well. Congratulate yourself. Im impressed.
Love You Rosie. xxx

[ManekiNeko]

You deserve to be heard and have your feelings respected. My dad is the same way and I can tell you there have been countless times when I’ve wanted nothing more than to lash out.
As Lisa stated I don’t think it’s because of BPD, I think there’s common courtesy that’s been misplaced. You did the right thing voicing your feelings over the matter.
Do you feel safe or comfortable enough to reapproach the conversation?
I’m not sure what he’s thinking or feeling. Maybe he’s feeling A little bit of humiliation having to ask for that kind of help and maybe he’s just frustrated at his own situation and not looking at the whole picture.
Maybe he doesn’t know the emotional and mental pressure it is to do care giving for someone. And it really is a lot of pressure!

There is a conversation that needs to happen where both you and him can listen and express your feelings and thoughts without them being invalidated. Maybe a third party would help with that.

[Sita]

you know me, let’s look at it from another perspective!
-does he usually say please?
-was he watching his fave show and having to go bathroom annoyed him that he was missing bits of it?

• it was a long day yesterday for both of you, could he just be tired too and not really chatty?
• maybe his meds etc were making him sluggish and quieter/more disconnected than usual

and importantly:
- we know he does indeed care about you.

caregiving is hard, and you’re doing it all alone. Most non-professional caregivers will have a moment like this, when it just gets to be too much, when we feel unappreciated and when we let loose.

But! for the person being cared for, it’s also a huge thing to have to ask for help esp to the bathroom, to always have to ask for what they want. I suspect showing appreciation is doubly, triply hard when they know that if they start saying thank you for one thing, then they’ll feel even more helpless and worthless at the loss of their independence. If you add in bpd and being triggered, this makes it extra zippy when the emotional load takes its toll.

Micro is right, in these moments it’s useful to have a third party that is there to absorb the emotional release both parties need.

It’s not a nice feeling, I remember being in that position and I know it’s hard. It’s hard to not hear the appreciation when we need it, but on the flip side, the other person may not always be able to show it by their words how much they appreciate all that you are doing.

Hope you two can talk about it when cooler heads prevail. You’re his right arm, of course he’s glad for that. But we don’t always thank our bodies for the work they do, do we?

I’m glad you came here and vented. This is an excellent place to rant and dump the excess emotions!
We love you, he loves you, you love you (Barney theme song LOL).

[Mystrose]

@Lisalovesfeathers

I dont think this has anything to do with BPD

It started off with me feeling like his servant because he barked an order at me and didn’t include, “please” in there. Of course, it’s normal for someone to feel hurt when someone acts dismissive or rude Especially, if you’ve been taking care of this person and suffering from its demands.

Don’t you think tho, that in a normal situation and after being with this person for over 12yrs, you’d say something like, ‘you know, not saying please really made me feel…” And perhaps both parties who love each other would work it out and live happily ever after? If you think about it, it’s not really that huge of a deal… he just forgot to say please because he was tired and in pain from the busy and demanding day he had.

Let me ask you this… Is it normal to go off on the person for not looking at you when you talk? Is it normal to say things that hurt and sting over this? Is it normal to just keep going telling this person all the things they do and don’t do to prove they hate you?

Is it normal to think someone hates you because they don’t look at you when you’re talking? Yeah, it’s rude and you may be offended, but do you think, “omg, this person who I’ve loved for 12yrs hates me because he isn’t looking at me when talking to him?

Is it normal to not be able to stop the hurt flying out of your mouth that you don’t want to say?

The first 15 seconds wasn’t BPD, but the rest most certainly was.

[Mystrose]

@Sita

-does he usually say please?
-was he watching his fave show and having to go bathroom annoyed him that he was missing bits of it?

He is usually very thankful and usually says “yes please” and “thank you.” His show can kiss my butt because it’s not important, I am lol.

We did talk before I went to bed. He apologized and told me he was in pain and was just checked out. I apologized too, but he just told me I didn’t need to because he knows what flew out of my mouth wasn’t what I really feel. It was defense. He’s right, I think he is wonderful and a lovely man.

@Sita

We love you, he loves you, you love you (Barney theme song LOL).

[Sita]

i LOVEEEE that you talked it thru, he was understanding, Excellent work done by you both.