I’m sorry. I try my best to be able to support others and be able to encourage anyone that I see may need it. I try to be a light to others that may have lost their. I’m sorry. I want to do those things for people. But it feels like when I try to do that…it’s not good enough. I don’t know how much more I can take before I’m just… sigh i don’t know where to go. I’m rambling. I’m sorry. I’m talking too much. I feel I should be a light that never flickers. I feel I should never show that I’m breaking. But I am. I’m cracking and falling and I’m sorry. I’m overwhelmed and scared and shaking and my thoughts are coming at me a mile a minute. I just want it all to stop and I only know one way to do that. I’m sorry. I don’t want to, but I feel I have to. I constantly feel numb, but also like this at the same time. I want to feel something different. Nothing bad will come from it right? It’s only a few small lines. Nothing to be afraid of…right? I don’t know…so many people tell me not to indulge, but dammit I just want to feel something different. Truly feel it. If it makes me even more numb than I am, so be it. I won’t argue with that either. If it turns out worse than I think…well…that would be a good outcome too wouldn’t it? I wouldn’t be here to burden people with my existence. My constant asking of reassurance and approval and love. There would be peace in myself and also in others. That’s all I want…peace for me, but mainly peace for everyone else. I’m not as important. If that means something happens to me, well, I guess it should huh?
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. All the love to you -
The only thing that should happen to you right now is to stay safe and treat yourself with all the love and care you need. It sounds that many thoughts are racing in your mind, and in this kind of moment it’s okay to slow down and rest as much as you need.
Nothing bad will come from it right? It’s only a few small lines. Nothing to be afraid of…right? I don’t know…
These thoughts may be pretty convincing, but you do know that it’s not worth the price to pay. It’s an illusion of relief and too much pain, guilt, shame and disappointment. You know this spiral, and you know it doesn’t bring anything good. Keep resisting, friend. One minute, then one, then another one. This moment will pass, and you are not meant to feel the same forever. You said you feel constantly numb. What about trying to reconnect to your physical sensations progressively and in a healthy way? Step by step. Going a little outside to feel the air and hear the sounds, doing some dance moves on your favorite music, a bit of exercises or if you have any hobby maybe trying to focus on that.
You are not a burden, Sarah. You are a light. And you are stronger than you think. I have no doubt that you do your best to help others. And I have no doubt that you have a positive impact on others life. I see it here, through your vulnerability, your honesty, your bravery. Sharing your struggles and reaching out doesn’t make you weak, friend. It’s all the opposite. It shows your strength. It offers the possibility to inspire someone, maybe from an other side of the world, who would feel less alone thanks to you. You’re not hiding. Despite all of the crippling thoughts that you’re dealing with. You inspire me. You’re a warrior. And even warriors need to protect themselves, to rest and recharge from time to time.
You can go through this moment without hurting yourself friend. I believe in you. We all do. You are wanted, needed and so, so loved. More than words can express.
Thinking of you.
You have to take care of yourself first, or you can’t take care of anyone else. If you don’t have it in you to support people here right now, take a step back. If you need support, reach out just like you did here. There are plenty of people here to share in supporting those who need it. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay if you can’t help everyone. You can’t give more than you have.
I’ve stepped back on my HS posts because I’m trying to conserve my emotional resources. It doesn’t mean that I’ve failed, or that I’m selfish, or that I won’t be active anymore. Right now I don’t have a lot to give, so I’m taking a breather. Right now, this post is what I have to give, and so I give it. I don’t know when I’ll post next, and that’s okay. Right now I need to take care of myself so that, hopefully sooner than later, I can take care of others.