I don’t get it anymore. Why do I still care? Why do I still fight? All I know is that it’s all over so soon. I’m done. I don’t care enough to fight anymore. Honestly though, fight what? Is there really anything to fight. Do I even have a problem? No. Not anymore. I spranged out my leg on Saturday and it’s getting better way to fast. At least it happened. But what’s the point of caring about self harm if I’m gonna get hurt anyways? There isn’t. Sure, I’m a danger to myself but why does it matter? I’m going to die early anyways. And you wouldn’t even tell the difference. How would you know the difference between dead and inactive? And time and time again you say you care and that you really mean it. But how would you know I was gone. Would you still care after I was dead. Or would you stop thinking about me and let your mind be at rest. If you’d stop caring and try to forget about, maybe it would be better if I was gone. I wish humans needed more sleep. First of all, my night mind would come much more often. Second of all, I could sleep deprive myself even more. I just want to stop. I already tried last night but I’m weak now. It’ll work now. I’m done. Swix won. That’s all I wanted to say.
When reading your post it’s impossible to not see how much pain you’re carrying and how much you’re suffering from it. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough time in your life right now.
Are you safe right now? Your situation seems to be rather acute, so please call a crisis helpline if needed. Even if it may be scary and you don’t see a point in it anymore. I know you matter and I genuinely believe in you. Please allow yourself access to the help you need.
Hurting is a part of everyone’s life, but as all other things it is temporary. Even if we cannot see it and even if we don’t have any idea how to get out of the situation we’re stuck in, it won’t be forever. I can relate to these thought patterns of why it matters and that I’m gonna die anyways. Depressive thoughts are incredibly draining and generate huge amounts of hopelessness and despair. But there is one thing that they are not - true. Thoughts aren’t facts. You don’t have to believe these thoughts. They are a part of the depression, not of your healthy mind that may be silenced right now by the overwhelming suicidal ideation.
The point in caring about self harm is that it is another problem and not a solution to the suffering. Maybe your thoughts tell you this was a relief, but, in fact, these are lies. It will never succeed to soothe the pain. Quite the contrary, it will make everything worse.
Is there someone else involved who contributes to your pain? Not everyone has the ability to see others’ value. Never draw conclusions on your worth based on others’ behavior. This simply isn’t a predictor of it, but it’s rather an indicator of their own problems.
Take good care of yourself and stay safe. Your first sentences state that you still care and that you’re still fighting. Hang in there. You are worth it so, so much. I care about you and I mean it. You’re loved.
Thinking about you. I hope you are safe.
You’re in my thoughts @Swix. I hope you’re safe. Just a small reminder that we care about you. You matter and you’re loved.
@Swix You are loved very much. I hope you are safe and continue to seek help.
How would you know the difference between dead and inactive?
We can’t. That is why I choose to put my faith in you. To believe in you and your ability to make the right decisions, which are not to hurt yourself. There is an inevitable barrier and limitation that comes with online and anonymous conversations. That doesn’t mean that practical limitations make the care less real. That doesn’t mean someone stops loving you because they can’t be updated on your situation. That doesn’t mean you are forgotten.
For almost three years of interacting personally on this platform, I have met a significant amount of people that are not around anymore. I have never forgotten them, and never will. It is up to me to decide this. Not you. Not this part of your mind that wants to make you believe that you would be nothing. That is not true.
We choose to care for you. Beyond the limitations of Internet. That is not something that gets in the way of love. Do not let your brain convince you with invalid arguments. You are loved. You are cared for. You matter. You belong.