I feel awful. I feel like I don’t matter. I feel like I’m not good enough for people, or good enough in general. I’ve been in this rut for about a week now. It’s getting frustrating and exhausting at this point. When will this end? Am I even strong enough to get past it? Am I even worth fighting for? I don’t know what to do this is lasting so much longer than I thought. I mean yeah…a lot of friends will tell me to keep going and all that. They’ll give me reasons on why I need to stick around and not give up. But it’s hard to believe them when my brain is so fucking loud ya know? I’m sorry for swearing but this is getting to be too much. I don’t know where to go at this point. I’ve been keeping this to myself since it started because I don’t want to overwhelm anyone or come off as annoying. So to avoid those things I’ve been keeping to myself. But now it’s getting to the point where I need other people. So I’m sorry if I shouldn’t be talking about this. I’m sorry if this is something I should just suck up and deal with. I’m afraid that if I keep it inside any longer there will be something extremely bad that comes of it.
Hi @FaeTheProud ,
Thank you so much for posting. I am so sorry thst you are feeling hopeless, and that your brain is telling being so loud.
I don’t know exactly what is going on but I do know this: will this ever end - yes, I don’t know when or how but whatever you’re going through doesn’t have to and won’t last forever. Are you strong enough to get past it - I think you are, I hope you are, and it’s ok to get and ask for help. Are you worth fighting for - yes. Everyone is worthy of love and to be fought for, that is what I believe in.
Let uou friends words be louder than your brain. Yell them out loud if you have to. Tell yourself over and over again, every day, every hour, however many times it takes.
Tell us more. We are here for you. We believe in you. This is a safe place.
There is no need to apologize, friend. This is not something you hould keep for yourself. By reaching out, you are doing the right thing. Because the thoughts you describe are about self-confidence, about learning to see your own worth and value, and doing that alone is almost impossible. Of course, it’s an individual and intimate process. But when our confidence has been impacted one way or another, when we doubt to be worthy of love and care, then we need others to remind us that it’s okay, and not all the things we feel or think are the reflection of some truth to hold on to.
I understand the frustration of going through ups and downs though. Honestly, sometimes I regret to have started to question the lies I grew up with (“I’m worthless, useless, a burden” and so on), because there are times now when I feel stuck between two voices. And you describe it very well! Yes, it’s incredibly hard when you know your mind is trying to convince you of some lies about yourself, yet at the same time a part of you still automatically believes in it, like an automatism. It’s frustrating to feel divided between those two voices, and to ask ourselves: for how long are we supposed to be kind of “stuck” in this “in-between”?
What is happening inside of your heart and your mind, is the manifestation of growth. And when you feel hopeless or stuck, you can try to think about the progress you’ve actually made - even if it’s a tad annoying at the moment! For example, years ago, would have you reached out the way you do right now? I know for me personally, that before knowing HS, I would have definitely kept everything for me and wouldn’t even seek healthy connections with safe people. I would have been convinced by my thoughts. But now I know there is something different to experiment. Something better. And during times of deep doubts and fears, I know I can try to seek some truths and loving reminders with the people I love, or to use some personal tools such as journaling, meditating and so on.
You are growing Fae. You are learning to understand your heart and your mind better. And the very fact that you are posting here, that you are not isolating despite the deep urge to do so, is a remarkable example of your strength. You are strong and brave. But as for learning to see your own worth, it is also a learning process in itself to acknowledge how far you’ve come, and how much you’ve grown.
You are enough as you are. You are not a burden. You are beautiful as you are. And we are so, so very proud of you.
Make sure to be gentle with yourself, friend. Do things for YOU. Take it easy. You will ride this wave magnificently.