I feel like I’m going crazy. My Spotify kept changing songs which means someone else is listening on the same account. And I thought it was my sister. And I use every opportunity to do stupid things to my sister like rick roll her so I started playing never gonna give you up by Rick Astley just to annoy her because that’s what I do. But no it was my dad not her. he got mad and called my moms phone and said if I did that one more time he was gonna delete all my playlists… obviously he was mad so andIi was talking to him saying “I thought it was mazi I’m sorry” and my mom was like signaling me to STFU…and when he hung up she was like I WISH YOU WOULD FUCKING LISTEN TO ME…all I did was apologize… is that so wrong?! the same thing happened a few minutes beforehand. she wanted me to take 2 trips up and down the stairs to haul shit up for her but I’m in pain so I saved me and her some time and took one trip with everything in my hand, and she said the same thing me yelling at me. I don’t understand why everything I do is wrong. I didn’t wanna hurt myself so I took one trip… I apologized to my fucking father because I annoyed him and I felt bad about it… oh fuck me I should’ve known that apologizing was a family breaker. She’s like “omg we do this every day…”. Maybe if she would let me finish a fucking sentence without interrupting and yelling for once in my fucking life things wouldn’t be this shitty!! I hate it here living with these MFS makes me want to kill myself I’m sitting here thinking of a fucking plan I’m so done. I wanna go through with killing myself so badly but i can’t do that to myself bf i hate myself so much I cant do this anymore. she makes me feel like I mean nothing to her everything I say is wrong she makes me feel suicidal and so does my dad these MFS are my 13th reason I stg. I’m sitting here trying to have a good day but every day i fuck something up…i must be a PIECE OF SHIT. everything I do and say. is wrong. everything. IM DONE.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, would it help if you tried talking to your dad and work things out?
I am sure that’ll probably patch things up.
You are loved!
She doesnt live with us, she just went back home for college and I don’t have my phone. But thank you for the advice.
How are you replying then? I’m so confused 
This forum is online. im on a laptop
Hi there, brokenglass
First, sharing with us is a right thing that you’re doing and I’m impressed by your courage to put your thoughts out here. Those all caps felt satisfying to read and I hope that you felt catharsis in typing that.
Your dad saying he would delete your playlists, something you took time to make and is special to you, can make it feel like you’re walking on a tightrope with lava beneath you. It can feel hopeless when everything you do seems to be wrong, even apologizing.
Your mom refusing to understand or let you explain your situation only adds fuel to the dumpster fire of physical and emotional pain that you’re in. It’s especially annoying when the reason for her yelling was that you did what she asked, but just not the exact way she wanted.
I’m sorry that your parents are making you feel like you are worthless instead of supporting you.
Since you’re thinking of a plan, would it help if you found someone you trusted to talk about it?
I see that you are in the US, so if your suicidal thoughts start to get worse/turning more realistic, please call 988 for someone who is better qualified to help you.
Once again, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I got you
-Gremlin
Oh ok, cool! I’m on phone
This feels like the crux of all of it.
I mean - there’s your dad messing with your Spotify which is annoying af.
But the feeling of dread…of hopelessness…of I’m never going to be OK…it boils down to this feeling that no matter what YOU do, your parents are going to be on your throat about it.
It’s like - who cares if I take one trip instead of two? Why does that matter?
Why does me apologizing make you so angry, make you feel like I made things worse?
It feels like minesweep. But every damn space on the board is a mine. So it feels like - why play? There’s no logic to it. Actually there is. But the logic is: you lose.
Hard to feel like there’s nothing you can do. So you…listen to music and try to keep to yourself. But then it feels like life just invents ways to get down on you. It just feels like living in a nightmare.
It sounds like your dad often struggles with having feelings of anger. Do you think he would be willing to let someone set up a separate account for him to avoid this in future?
Unfortunately people with these more aggressive tendencies aren’t always the best at listening nd don’t want to be told anything that might make them seem silly. We both know that having a misunderstanding about who is playing music could be lighthearted and funny, but to then it might seem like they’re being made a fool of.
It sounds like your family is all on tense emotions. Sometimes it can even be one person that sets it off. Like if your father is feeling highly tense or stressed or irritable, those can affect others around him.
I wish it were as simple as everyone having a bit of a time out and regrouping when they feel less heightened.
What I do know is that even if everyone around is acting out with heightened emotions, and even though you can’t control what is going to be said, it doesn’t negate your worth.
If people are mistreating you or saying things to hurt you, it can feel like it’s because you’re the problem, I promise you that you aren’t. I see you doing so much to try to keep the peace.
I’m going to list some crisis resources bellow as a reminder to reach out. Don’t feel pressure by any means, but if you need them then at least they are there.
In the mean time please keep utilising the forum when you need.
You’re loved x
Crisis resources :
Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
Hey again, @brokenglass
I would like to ask: why is your dad on your Spotify account? Is it a premium account? Because I’m gonna say regardless if/if not, your dad can pay for his own.
I will reiterate again, I really detest your parents and I hate that you have to deal with such awful people on a day-to-day basis. I would, at this point if you haven’t already, start saving your money back so when you’re eighteen, you can ditch that lifestyle. I think Bimini said it best about your father and mother’s anger issues. I’ve given you some resources before, and I can resend some again if you’d like-- but these situations are very detrimental to your health. And honestly? Any mandated reporter would write a report on it in an instant. It’s very abusive and toxic of a household. And, if you feel you need to get out immediately, don’t be afraid to take those kind of actions for yourself.
You deserve to be happy and loved. These people are not providing this for you, and it pains me every time to see you so upset.
Thank you for sharing with us once more. I hope you’ll continue to keep us updated.
Just try to breathe and stay on your own as much as you can, okay?
Hi there @brokenglass,
That sounds like such a stressful, painful experience and I wish your parents were more understanding and that you didn’t need to deal with this. I really have no words to describe how frustrated I am for you.
With that said, I hope that writing this down helped a little and that this helps you to cope with the strong emotions associated with the challenges that your parents are throwing your way. You’re valuable and amazing, and I hope that this treatment improves with time.
<3 Tuna
You can feel “done” with a situation, but still have to tolerate it. I was in a dysfunctional family, and usually tried not to be noticed. I also could tell when I was likely to have okay communications with them, and when I should just keep to myself. I didn’t worry about fairness or being taken advantage of. As far as I was concerned, it was all unfair. I stayed away as much as possible, and interacted as little as possible when I was home.
You can develop a sense of what kind of energy a person or group has just by entering a room. You can learn to determine if anything you say will evoke a positive response, or if you will just walk away frustrated.
Regarding Spotify, an individual account is $9.99 or you can get a family account with up to six users for $15.99. It seems like it might be worth the extra six bucks to stop the strife.
I was “done” with my family when I was ten. I grabbed a butcher knife and headed to the cellar, with the intention of “falling” on it. My brother stopped me, and told me that my life wasn’t always going to be like it was at that time. I decided to bear with the unhappiness, embracing comfort in solitude frequently, and once in a while with a friend or neighbor.
My childhood was long ago, and I’m glad I’m still around. Don’t judge your lifetime by the relatively few years you’re stuck with a messed up family. There’s a LOT that you can look forward to.
This is so upsetting! First I’m wondering why are other people using your Spotify account, even if it is your family? If I were you, I would change my password and log out of all other devices. This is your privacy and threatening to destroy your playlists is unacceptable behaviour. Music matters to you and it is important, you put in time and effort to create playlists. They can get their own account, a free Spotify account doesn’t cost anything. And you changing a song is absolutely no reason for them to get so worked up about. It is also really disrespectful to not even let you explain your side of the story and interrupt you.
Some people are so unhappy with their own life, which puts them in a very bad mood, makes them explode often, but instead of looking into the mirror they prefer to blame others for everything that is wrong in their life. This is really unfair.
I am so sorry you have to go through all of that. Please don’t give up. There are people in this world who love and understand you, who respect you. What could help you through this is knowing that this won’t last forever. At some point you will be able to get out of there and live your own life just the way you want it to.