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Im sorry about your friend. I hadnt learned that about you yet. I appreciate you trying to find the silver lining by becoming a therapist and by doing this channel. 20 years ago I had a suicide plan. Metal music specifically the band Hatebreed convinced me to try a little more. So I did. Then I figured out what was hurting me and how I could help myself. I made the hard choices and life got better. Sometimes I forget that I used to live like that. Deeply depressed, incredibly anxious, crying till I screamed in the shower daily. Its been in my mind recently. I lost one friend to suicide November and another in December. The one in November did it where we both work. So it’s impossible to go to work and not think of how much I wish I could have gotten the message through to him. #heartsupport.
Thank you for sharing your story, or this part of your story.
I lost my partner not long ago, and reading your words and how you came close to making this big and impactful decision and then reading how you won over those hurting and dark moments makes me so glad.
I’m so very glad you’re here
Oh friend. My heart goes out to you. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you’ve been experiencing while going to your work place lately. I’m so very sorry for your losses. It is brutal to lose people we love in such a sudden way. It creates this hole in the chest and this heavy load on your shoulders. I wish words were enough for you to express the heaviness and complexity of this pain. If anything, I hear you and I feel this pain alongside you.
It’s already beautiful that you have posted about these parts of your story and that you are so bravely sharing your vulnerability here. You make a difference by sharing how you feel and by sharing about them. There is no doubt that they were both an important part of your life, of your heart, and it makes completely sense that somehow the brutality of these losses has made you think about times when things were much darker for you too. When my brother passed away, 6 years ago, I’ve been myself through this internal turmoil of acknowledging the reality of past traumas and the importance of starting to work on my healing. Grief in many ways is transformative, and it makes sense that it echoes or even reactivates parts of our heart that were wounded before. Somehow I believe that it’s an intense call for love - towards others whether they are still present or not, and towards ourselves.
On a personal note, I am so very thankful that you didn’t go through your suicide plan and are still here today. Thankful you pushed through and decided to work on nurturing your heart and soul. Some wounds we carry can’t be processed or even seen as long as we are not ready for it. But comes moments or seasons that become breakthroughs in our own story. You’ve learned to hear your pain, to understand it, to heal it and to love yourself more. You’ve traded survival for life, and that is such a profound transformation there. The memories that remain about your darkest times are a good reminder of what was - and somehow of what you don’t want anymore in your life. They are a part of your story, and now also a beautiful testimony of your personal growth and healing.
I hope, while you are navigating through this grief of yours, that you will see yourself with a very gentle, nurturing and protective outlook. As you deserve all the love, care and peace you’d be willing to receive right now. If you ever need to talk more or just someone safe to listen, Heartsupport’s community will be there.