I'm sorry... (CW: Self Harm)

I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist anymore. I relapsed. I cut myself again. Not in the same place, but I did it. I even used something different this time because I thought it would be easier. It wasn’t surprisingly…it took more effort than before. Maybe the blade is dull and that’s why it took longer this time to see anything. The thoughts were too strong and to be honest, it felt good. It’s the familiarity that feels good I think. I haven’t felt this in so long that it’s almost nostalgic to me. This probably won’t be the only time during my waking hours today either as I don’t foresee me getting any sleep soon. It’s already past 5:30am EST so sleep is definitely off the table. It’s weird. Everybody always says that relapsing feels worse than the initial time cutting, but I don’t agree. This feels good. I like this feeling. I like seeing the cuts on my skin. Is that bad? I think it’s bad, but it doesn’t feel bad. Other people say it’s bad to want this. To crave this. But I don’t feel that way in this current moment. Honestly, having done it again after so long makes me want to do it more. Somewhere in my brain I know I shouldn’t be wanting this for myself nor actually doing it to myself, but if it won’t kill me then what’s the issue? I can control how deep I go after all. Plus, the cuts I just did aren’t deep at all. They’re red and bleeding a little, but no more than a bad papercut or cat scratch. Should I be concerned that I don’t feel bad about relapsing? I know this is an apology post just as much as it is an update post, but I don’t know what I’m sorry for. I guess I’m sorry for physically doing it, but I don’t regret it. I’m actually questioning why in the world I stopped in the first place if I’m being honest. Oh well I guess. There’s nothing that can be done to stop me at this point so might as well just accept the fact that this is back in my life. Maybe I’ll stop again someday, but for now I don’t think I will. I’m sorry I can’t be better.

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