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I'm sorry if I do it

I don’t know how or why I should keep on going. Recently I harmed again, but that’s not the worst part… It was the reason… The fucked up thought that came just before and honestly… I can’t forgive myself for that… I can’t tell anyone what it was because I’m ashamed, but at the same time… This is creating an even bigger barrier between me and others… But if they knew… They would not want to be associated with me anymore… I wouldn’t want to… So I keep on apologising to them for keeping this secret even though they might not know what I’m really apologising for… And it’s becoming paralysing… I’m hoping and praying that I’ll die soon because that way at least everything would be done and fixed… I’m sorry if I do it… And yes I know… Crisislines… But even they can’t fix this fucked up broken mess… Sorry

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Shame is a silent poison and you don’t deserve to live with it nor feed it. I would like to invite you to share what causes you this shame, the thought that was present before your relapse. This place is still safe, the people you interact with are still safe. By sharing what’s eating you alive, you would free yourself and only increase the trust that is built between you and the people who care about you. The worst thing for you right now is to stay alone with those feelings. I promise you there won’t be any judgment, even though you know it already. There is a major step that could be done there, for freeing yourself with secrets that burden you, and start yet another journey of healing.

You are not alone. You are not messed up or defective. You are not a monster. You are not at fault for struggling or even for existing. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be human. These feelings of shame don’t have to be stuck within. You’re safe here.

:hrtlegolove:

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Sometimes the only people who can help others be whole are those that are broken. Sometimes being broken allows you to see things that others do not. Sometimes those who have nothing are more willing to help.

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From: ManekiNeko

holding secrets is something I am also very familiar with. It carries its own burdens and slowly feels like it erodes you from within. You do have a safe place here. Who are we to judge? Who am I go judge anyone for holding secrets? If it helps keep you safer and feel lighter then I do hope you feel perhaps sharing even a little will help.
Please keep safe and know there’s a community who cares.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hello Friend. I’m so sorry that you are having such a hard time with shame. I struggle with shame too. Sometimes it really helps me to get it all out; to just tell someone. I would encourage you to write about what you are hiding here. You can create an anonymous account and pour your heart out. I know with me, when I confide something to a friend or I make an honest post here, I feel so much better. Often times, the people who we think will judge us are the ones that will actually support us. It’s a scary thought, but you’d be surprised at how things will turn out. You matter and we want to support you. ~Mystrose

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Hello there,

I want to tell you that I am incredibly proud of you for posting on The Wall, so people can support & encourage you through all of the things you are experiencing right now. I know that at this moment you feel like a broken mess, but it reminded me of Kintsugi pottery.

Kintsugi is a centuries-old [Japanese art] of repairing broken pottery and transforming it into a new work of art with gold, the traditional metal used in Kintsugi . The name of the technique is derived from the words “Kin” (golden) and “tsugi” (joinery), which translate to mean “golden repair.” The scars and cracks of the broken ceramic become the focus and turn the object into something unique and exquisite.

I encourage you to find your golden moments & create something new from the broken moments. Life can be challenging & frustrating at times, but it can also be wonderful & beautiful. Give yourself grace. Be kind to yourself. You are capable of amazing things. I believe in you. You can do it.

You are important. You are strong. You are valid. You are enough. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: twixremix

hi friend,

thank you for being here and sharing the obstacles you’re facing. please know that this community is here for you, ready to support you with no judgement if getting something off your chest will help this situation. the beauty of the forum is complete anonymity and empathy towards each other’s burdens. i always feel overwhelmingly positive relief when i tell someone i trust or even this anonymous forum of what i’m going through because then i can feel like a little bit of that weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

i want to echo all the love and encouragement micro sent your way as well. shame and letting issues build up on you will only drill you deeper down and that’s the opposite of what i want for you. i want you to feel clarity and calmness. i believe in you to do what’s best for yourself - what you’re feeling now can be relieved and you deserve absolute peace in life, my friend. hope to hear from you soon on how things are going.

love,
twix

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From: Mamadien

JustAnotherPerson, I’m glad you felt safe enough to come and post about what is going on. Having thoughts we’re not comfortable with can be scary, but it’s only a thought if it’s not acted on. Because this is causing you so much discomfort and concern - I would ask if you would feel safe enough to share your thoughts here? When something causes shame in our life, it’s like having mold growing in a dark space, like under a sink cabinet. As long as you keep the area dark and closed off, the mold can grow and fester. But if you expose it to light, the mold begins to retreat and you can see it and take care of it. Thoughts that concern us and cause shame should get that same treatment. Expose them so that you can truly look at them, deal with them and find healing from them. Does that make sense? Again, please don’t hide away with thoughts that you find troublesome, it only helps them fester. Instead, reach out. I will tell you that you will find acceptance, love and understanding. You are not the first to have thoughts that cause shame and discomfort and you won’t be the last. You are cared for here.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for your post. It is so hard to firstly have to live with problems and manage everyday just to get through the day but to then fear others finding out so having to keep things secret is a worry you should not have to deal with and I am so sorry that you do. This of course is a anonymous forum so there is no need for anyone to know who you are and if anyone does know your profile name, you can indeed change that and make a new profile at any time but I am going to speak as someone who does not know the people you speak of. People that care for you should want nothing but the best for you, they should only every want to help and care for you, in which case telling them anything about your concerns should not bring judgement anger or disdain but love, concern and help, in which case it would surely be a positive thing to open up to those you love and who love you? again I don’t know these people but I would hate to think that you were missing out on the love you deserve. You of course have it from us here anytime. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x

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Hey JustAnotherPerson,

It sounds like you are coming down on yourself pretty hard here. You say you can’t forgive yourself. That you are certain others will not associate with you. That you’re a broken mess. I don’t buy any of that. It sounds like your mind, emotions, and intrusive thoughts are hard at work anchoring that feeling of shame that now grips you. Pull you into that shame you are struggling with. Micro excellently wrote out what I’d have said about shame, so I’ll refer to their post on it.

Though you struggle now, it doesn’t mean it will be like that all the time. Those friends and loved ones you keep apologizing to, I am sure they love, and will be there to help you along the way, should you accept their help. Please know you are love, you have worth, and you matter.

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First off, I want to thank everyone for responding and being so kind. The problem with this, though, is that I think I would judge someone if they told me… so why wouldn’t someone else judge me, someone who’s worse, for that…

this is already a throwaway account and some people have already found out it was me… hence why I can’t share it… Because if they figured this account out already… who’s to say that they wouldn’t find out my third or fourth? And with everything else… it’s okay that they might know, but not this… this is just too dark… too fucked up… sorry, but that’s just not an option rn…

What if the thought you had, was triggered by something that your friend told you? As someone who cares about that person… Wouldn’t you want your friend to not know because you don’t want them to feel guilty for the thought that you had and acted on… because it’s not their fault… it’s your own stupid fault for doing it… even though the thought was triggered by something your friend said… Does that make sense? It’s not their responsibility… even though they might think that…

Once again… I’m not sure that I would want to associate with someone who had that thought… because it’s a childish response… like the gravity of the action is not taken seriously… That’s the only thing I can say about it… sorry

There’s a difficulty within this quote… Yes, we’re more aware of seeing things that others might not, but at the same time… we can’t help because we’re broken ourselves and there’s nothing left to give… that’s the point I’m at… and when I’m trying to fill it up the water pours out through the cracks that have become bigger over the years… there’s nothing left…

I’m sorry for being so dismissive… but also I just can’t… sorry

Hiya, thank you for your replies and you are not being dismisive in any of them, you are giving your opinion and thats ok, I certainly apriciate that.
I cant say I understand all of your thoughts but what I gather from some of them and I could very easily be wrong and probably am but I am going to type this just incase.
You talk of judgement, you say that you would judge so people will of course have judgement on you and yes of course they will, everyone does, even those that say they dont, do. but the difference with people that love you and the ones that dont is where it comes from and how its delivered. No one wants to use the word judge but ultimately it is that. When you love a person and you want nothing but good for them and you see them in a bad place the judgement will be that you see them going down a bad path or doing negative things that is not going to improve your life but not that they are a bad person and the result would be that they need help and support with that. However you are not responsible for other peoples thoughts and reactions, Someone can feel sad if you are sad but that isnt your responsability its just cause and effect, they can walk away at any time and not feel that way.
I myself suffer quite badly with over empathising with others and it can be really hard sometimes but thats on me, its not their fault.
Ultimately you are only responsible for yourself and others are for themsleves and if you didnt have to worry about the actions and reactions of others you could focus more on learning to care and love yourself and I believe your life would be so much easier.
I have really waffled through that. I hope some of it made some sense. xx

@JustAnotherPerson …easy does it!!! I don’t no how rn.i don’t no how to begin my day.and with my relation to u is to let something else other then your self take control of this situation.litterally just let it go…I don’t no how or what is only I feel the start of realizing there’s a issue…for me today…I’ve worried about everything and how am I…or what to do…your life is a big how to or what…idk if I’m making sense but your life is loved even through your situation.you may not feel it rn but ,this to shall pass…your on top of the world? This to shall pass…your hungry,about to end it???.. That feeling will pass!!! Just accept as hard as it sounds.i felt the love from this platform.plz give in to acceptance…I promise it will pass.reach out ,be afraid to ask…it will help.much love here from me.

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hi there

Thoughts are powerful… but they are just thoughts. You didn’t act on those thoughts, you didn’t give voice to those thoughts.
Thoughts can be incredibly distressing yes, and the worst thing is to think a thoughts that deeply unsettles you or is against your usual values and beliefs. But you only had the thought, and didn’t act on it.

The way you have reacted to it sh, the guilt, the horror. These all show that you were distressed by it and want to disassociate yourself from it. That you rejected it right after you had the thought.
There is much to say that the thought remained a thought.

I’m glad you’re here with us and sharing your feelings. There is no pressure to disclose your thought, there are places where you can safely share your thoughts as well, say with a therapist, if you need a way to get the thought out of your head and find a way to work past it.

I don’t know how old you are, a part of growing up (especially in younger teen years) is processing a ton of new stuff - emotions ,situations, etc. As an adult, it’s also hard, because suddenly there are different expectations and responsibilities (to generalize things, of course everyone’s life differs!). Having a thought that you so soundly reject doesn’t make you weak or bad it means that you are critically assessing the thought, and finding it not something you want to condone or pursue.

Please be gentle with yourself. Please don’t hurt yourself and give more power to that thought. You had the thought, you rejected it.
If the thought persists, then you may need a different kind of strategy, but if it was a one-off thought, then don’t let it determine or define how you see yourself. You get to make the choice of how you act on your thoughts. To me, sounds like you did a good job of throwing it out. Think of it as having a nightmare, you’ll remember bits of it, but it’s not real, and it hasn’t hurt anyone else. Please remember that.

that’s the problem… I did act on it… I harmed myself worse than I have in such a long time… and then I was too ashamed to even take care of it, so I hid… I’m no longer a teen… and I should know better…

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and I should know better…

And now you do? In the kindest way possible friend, now you do know better.
Shame follows the sh, that’s its nature.

You are being way too unkind and harsh on yourself. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? We’re here for you, to either give advice or encouragement or just to silently sit with you as you work through it.

I’m sorry that you harmed yourself. you deserve to be feel at peace and happier with yourself. So many of us do things that we should know better… it doesn’t make us bad people, or screw ups. It gives us the opportunity to do better the next time, it gives us lessons of what didn’t work this time and information on what triggers or situations or thoughts lead to this.

the people I have been trying to talk to about this… they either don’t respond or aren’t available… which just shows that I’m too fucked up… if I tell it to someone else it either creates a judgement that I can’t deal with or a thought of “they’re just saying this to be nice… they don’t mean it”… I’m sorry for saying it like that, but it feels that way sometimes… sorry…

Can i ask why you think that if someone isnt being judgemental that they are “just being nice” and not being genuine with you?

because why would someone care? someone who doesn’t know me… why would they not judge me for it? if I would…
sorry

please dont apologise, it really is ok, the first time I posted here, I figured that I would write and that people would think I was a bit of an idiot and that would be it. Then I started getting replies and I wondered why? just like you, why are they bothering and who are they? so I decided to let my inquisitive side get the better of me and looked into it a bit to see if these people were real and (this is from a person who has never been very keen on other humans, and had very little trust in them) I found people that didnt need to know you to care about how you felt and the more I got to see how they worked and treated people the more I wanted to do the same.
The truth is, its easy to care for someone even if you dont know them because they deserve your love and kindness whether you know them or not. it really is that simple and that includes you . x