I'm starting to lose hope and motivation

Rambles all over the place…I just need to get stuff of my chest, it always feels nice to be able to ramble and know that someone will actually read it instead of talking into the void.
Times have been really rough for me lately, a lot of stress at home and not having anything to do because I’m too unstable to hold a job my future feels really uncertain, I want to move in together with my fiance that lives on the other side of the planet but it seems I can’t find a way to earn money and I’m scared I won’t be able to build a secure place for us here, she can’t speak my language at all and is afraid she won’t be able to secure a job here and I’m honestly scared too. But I have a support system here as well as free healthcare which I desperately, desperately need because I suffer from frequent and (at least to me) severe mental health issues.
My issues with making (and especially) keeping social contacts have been worse than ever and I see little purpose trying to force myself into relationships, I haven’t been able to control my anger and hatred and disgust that always boils up whenever people get too close to me and I’m constantly on the run. I always get to know a few people, talking isn’t really an issue anymore, but as soon as it gets deeper than surface level I get extremely jealous, easily annoyed and run away easily. It feels way too good to cut people loose, but I have no friends that I can spend time with and spend almost all day locked up in my room alone, I’m withering away here. I wanna go out and do stuff, and I have been going on a lot of walks, I’ve tried thinking about joining specific activities/groups but I struggle with social stuff and almost everything costs money that I don’t hav or takes place in the late evenings that I’d much rather spend with my online friends and fiance because they’re the only kind of social contacts I have and timezones are really unfortunate.
I’ve been searching for a therapist for 3 years at this point with absolutely no luck, I’m eternally grateful my country offers free healthcare but there’s like different types of therapy that only grant a specific amount of hours and I’ve had multiple first sessions with therapists that have told me I need to look for other types of therapy because their hours won’t be enough to help me get into trauma stuff, but when I went to another type of therapist they told me no one would ever do trauma therapy like that and I could only do it at a mental hospital but every mental hospital I’ve been to only goes for 3 months maximum and they’ve also told me that they can’t fully dive into my OSDD stuff that I’ve been trying to figure out because of the limited time available, basically every therapist I’ve went to has told me a different story but every single one of them has told me they can’t help me (this isn’t to talk bad of these therapists, every single one of them has been nothing but kind and respectful and seemed extremely saddened by the fact they couldn’t offer treatment to me and tried to help me find other resources that I could use to find a therapist), I know I should just go ahead and call around more, search for more places until I find one that can treat me but I’m going to be honest it’s very very hard to motivate myself when all I’ve gotten is rejection. Most places don’t even have a waiting list or test appointments because they just don’t have any space for new patients, and even then when they do and I get my hopes up they usually just end up having to decline me anyways because of the nature of the mental health stuff I struggle with. Again, absolutely no disrespect to these therapists, it’s not their fault if they don’t feel equipped to treat trauma patients.
I’ve just been slipping back into hopelessness. I haven’t felt suicidal for a long time, but recently I really have been. I can’t see myself ever living a fulfilling life, I feel like more of a burden than anything. I don’t think I’ll ever get help at this point and my symptoms feel really unmanageable. I’m 6 years free of self harming as well but I’ve also felt an insanely strong urge to relapse lately, it’s almost all I can think about, is punishing myself and trying to forget about everyday stress that way…I have no real plans to do anything, my alters wouldn’t let me do anything even if I wanted to, but I just want to disappear lately…I just feel kind of left alone even though I know it’s myself that’s responsible for that loneliness. I want to say I’m trying my best but that’s not true but it just feels impossible to reach out to people. I’m scared I’ll be hurt again, I’m scared I’m going to be an awful person again like I used to be. That there’s something inherently evil slumbering in me just waiting for the perfect moment to resurface and destroy everything I’ve built up…it’s an awful feeling.
Sorry for the incoherent mental health stuff dump, I just need to get it off my chest and maybe hear some words of encouragement from other people…Thank you in advance.

5 Likes

Hello afterpain.

First off, i want to say I am sorry you find yourself unable to fully access the help that you need. I suppose being able to pinpoint your experience with a professional is a massive thing that you want. I congratulate you on being receptive of the therapists that you’ve seen, especially after multiple attempts in getting help. Though hope you have been able to keep in touch with one that at least wishes to follow your case (not sure if this is something that falls within professional guidelines, but I think it would be nice to have a professional keeping tabs on you), if not, perhaps it is worth asking if that would be possible, not as a specific therapy for you, but rather as a contention and safety net that can be backed by a professional.

It feels you are finding yourself isolated due to your social issues. I weirdly feel that a bit in another way, as I have moved in with my parents away of the city and barely see any other face during the week. it can be slightly frustrating. Of course, your story is different. Have you been able to discuss with the therapists that you’ve seen for limited time your issues with anger and annoyance in social interaction? It must be pretty disheartening to see any attempts at engaging with people going like that, and it looks like that might be a good thing to takle in on itself, if that is possible in your specific case. I hope you still feel able to go back at people after those episodes, so that they can build up comprehension and understanding.

It seems understandable that you wish to mantain those things that work for you, like online communities and your fiance, and if you think them to be worthwhile then you should absolutely keep them. One way that I may offer to look at the alternative, however, is that you allow yourself time to do other things not for the sake of just doing other things, but rather to find new things to bring back to your friends and your fiancé. Maybe setting a fraction of that time with them appart to join different activities and explore, so that next time you can show them what you’ve been up to. Perhaps they can even help you evaluate how it went afterwards or finding new things to explore. Not as a sacrifice of your time together, but rather as an enrichment of it.

“Please don’t lose hope” feels a bit out of place. As hope is not something you just think into existence. I will say this, however. Six years out of SH is a big accomplishment, and I am sure there is a lot in you that helped you through that, and that may be worth looking into to find some motivation.

I wish to encourage you to not let yourself be brought down by that feeling (fear, perhaps) that all you’ve done will be smashed. You can’t control that feeling, but you can control how you react to it. You’ve built a lot, that is reassurance that you have an inner strenght to face whatever comes at you, just take care of that internal machinery. When the time comes it will help you push through.

Virtual hugs.

4 Likes

The truth is, you are the person you choose to be, even if your emotions are difficult to manage. You’ve chosen to be a good person, as evidenced by your fear of not being one. It’s easy to get angry with ourselves when we don’t live up to our own expectations, but I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone (except those who have delusions of self-perfection) who doesn’t have episodes of being disappointed with themselves.

What country are you in? I doubt if you’re the only one in that country with OSDD. I’d imagine that those inpatient facilities provide additional outpatient services. Have you tried contacting someone at the inpatient facilities and asking for a referral?

Another piece of evidence that you’re a good person is your willingness to avoid criticizing those therapists who couldn’t help you. Also you take responsibility for your decisions instead of blaming others.

You’re inherently a very good person. You’re suffering, and I wish you weren’t. When motivation is low, it’s best to focus only on what you can do in the present moment to make things better. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing, but do it without guilt or regret. Of course you can’t go through life doing nothing, but to fully embrace quiet moments, giving your mind a chance to relax, is highly therapeutic. I call such times, “mini-meditations.” You might be surprised at the number of insights that come to mind shortly after those sessions.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re getting along.

2 Likes