I'm still addicted, why can't I shake it?

[Jakey]

I’ve never shared this with anyone but God before, but I’m addicted to porn, and I have been for a number of years despite many ups and downs and constant attempts to get better. Sometimes they work and I do get better, but only for a short time before I spiral right back down the same hole I swore I’d never fall down again just the day, or month, or year before. I just feel like a broken record at this point, like my faith and my life are just a series of rinsing and repeating, with no sign of any real transformation or change. I’ve only ever opened up about it to God, but never to anyone else. I guess I’m just too insecure or scared of what will happen or what people will say or think of me if I do open up.

You’d think that after years of trying amd failing that I’d learn some kind of lesson or see some kind of pattern, which I think I have. And that’s the problem. God has worked wonders in my life and I’m thankful for them every day, just as I’m forever grateful for his son who died on the cross for our sin. My sin. The same sin I feel like I both carry with me, and create every day. I know that I’m forgiven, that I’m a child of God with a purpose to fulfill. But I can’t shake the addiction, no matter how many times I pray and admit that it’s a problem and ask God to guide me in the right direction. I’ve carried this weight of guilt before, and I’ve realized it and felt the grace of God touch my soul before too. But even still, after my revelation, it feels like the past comes back to haunt me, only to pull me back into that dark place God rescued me from.

I know that He’s already written all the days of my life, but why does this lingering sin and unhealthy habit have to be a part of it? I know he has a plan and that everything will work out just fine, but it’s just so hard to see when I keep slipping back to my “old self”.

Maybe God led me here to the support wall today because he knew I could get back on track wotht he help of all the incredible and amazing people here. But right now, I feel disgusted with the way I can’t control myself when my demons try and even succeed to pull me back. I’m tired of the depression that comes with this baggage, and I’m tired of trying to ignore it or keep it inside to solve by myslef.
Thank you for taking the time to read, much love and God bless.

[Monkey]

Hey Jakey,

First I want to say thank you for coming to the support wall, and opening up and being honest. I want you to know that you are in a judgement free zone here, and we care about you, and we want to walk along side you through your struggles. And I want you to know that you are not alone, there’s many of us here that struggle with this as well. You are not disgusting because of this, you aren’t a failure, you’re not a bad person, please know this.

There’s two things I want to have you look at:

Still struggling myself

I’ve posed as someone who’s got it together for…a long time, ever since I started taking on a real role at HeartSupport. I started to believe this lie: if I’m going to help others, I can’t let them know I struggle too. But the truth is I’ve continued to struggle with an addiction to porn. Though I’ve put earnest effort towards freedom, I’ve spent the past few years fighting this alone. Here’s what it’s been like for a long time: Struggle, relapse, feel terrible, confess to a friend or my wife…

- YouTube

^^ These two things from Nate, one of the staff members here at heart support is what started me on my journey of healing and freedom from my addiction to pornography (that I’ve struggled with for going on three years now). So not only is this a reminder that you are not alone in your struggles, but also that we see you, and people in this heart support family struggle with this as well.

I feel like I’m stealing Nate’s thunder here, but a lot of the advice I’m giving you is the same advice he gave me. So here it goes, first you need to stop focusing on days clean from this and start desiring freedom. What this doesn’t mean is that you should continue to watch porn until you’re free from it, rather the desire for freedom from this addiction is what we should want and long for. “Recovery is a 2-5 year process with a miracle from God everyday.” I’ve heard this a million times and it’s so true, recovery is a process and is not going to happen overnight.

The next thing that’s been really helpful for me is journaling, I’m pretty sure this model came from the 12-Steps Program but I may be wrong. But most of the time when relapse occurs (with any addiction we go through these things), and it’s called the FASTER Scale

F- Forgetting Priorities
A- Anxiety
S- Speeding Up
T- Ticked Off
E- Exhausted
R- Relapse

So in my time journaling I go through these things, and I journal these everyday whether I relapse or not. And see what got me to relapse, and if I don’t relapse what stopped me from relapsing that day. I hope that this is an encouragement to you. And I just want to remind you that you are not alone! I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses, and I hope that it encourages you!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey

p.s.- I encourage you to read this amazing blog that Ben Sledge (the executive director of Heart Support) wrote about pornography: Generation Porn - God Loves Sex and Free People - Benjamin Sledge

[Johnsma]

Hi Jakey,

Monkey is spot on, and I can say from personal experience that recovery from porn addiction is absolutely possible and unfortunately isn’t overnight. I was in a very similar situation as you - i tried everything i could think of to force myself to stop looking at porn (including flushing a $5 bill down the toilet every time i looked…but I’m too cheap so that didn’t last long haha). I prayed I don’t know how many times for God to just somehow miraculously fix me. After several years, he still hadn’t. I had to learn to take a step of faith first: What helped me the most was the thing I least wanted to do, which was to admit my struggle to another human being (or several) and to be held accountable by them. You have already started down this path, which is awesome! I would suggest talking in person to someone you know and trust (that’s key) or finding a porn support group you can attend. It can be really hard to make yourself vulnerable like that, but doing so helps to remove the shame, which makes breaking the cycle easier. Another resource I used was the Conquer series, at conquerseries.com.
To repeat Monkey, you are not alone, and you are already a new creation! God has started an awesome work in you and you’re on to the next steps. Blessings, friend!

-Matt