Hey there JoeT,
I’m going to go through this in pieces, but I want to start by saying I’m glad you’re still here to make this post!
I think when people say that suicide is selfish, it’s because of the kind of impact it has on others. It’s one persons decision, and it impacts so so many more people than I think sometimes they realize. I, personally, don’t really like this reason however, because I feel like it’s meant to guilt trip you out of it. Referencing something you said later, I do think there’s a path forward for you here, and I disagree that you are “beyond repair”, but I’ll get back to this in a bit.
I can understand and relate to the feeling of being alone, and left to deal with the stress of what you’re going through. I live alone myself, with the closest family member, friend, or relative, being over 1,000 miles away. It’s difficult to meet people, especially considering what the world is facing for the time being. I think it’s important to recognize that we have to take very conscious steps to spread our social circles, meet new people, and engage in conversations.
For example, HeartSupport itself has drastically increased the number of people I talk to! I have friends all over the world now that I talk to and play games with, and I never had that before! I’ve also taken some drawing classes remotely and found that to be a wonderful way to interact with people more local to me, even if the focus is on drawing.
Loneliness is a cycle, it tells us that the world is out to get us, and we have to put our guard up, and when we put our guard up, we don’t let anyone else in. We have to put our guard down, and ALLOW people into our lives. There as a WONDERFUL video by Kurzgesagt on this topic that you can find on Youtube, just search for “Kurzgesagt lonliness” and you’ll find it .
Branch out, meet new people, and I guarantee you that you’ll find the right people that you really click with, and there will be someone to talk to, and someone to call. If you use Discord, HeartSupport has a Discord as well where I met most of the wonderful people I’m friends with now! I’d love to see you there, and if you are, feel free to ping me and I’m sure we can find something to chat about
Moving forward in your post, your situation with your psychiatrist is very troubling. It’s my understanding that a psychiatrist is ethically obligated to help you find another psychiatrist/therapist in case you aren’t clicking with them. Remember, YOU are paying THEM, and if you aren’t receiving the care you want, I highly recommend telling her that, and making steps to move find another one together. Maybe you can continue to see her for occasional checkups and prescriptions, but see a therapist on the side for the week to week situations that really need attention. A resource I highly recommend is DrMickLive, both on twitch or Discord. He is a therapist himself and can answer your questions about therapy and how it works, he recently posted a great video on youtube about how to find a new therapist. If your psychiatrist attempts to pull your medication because you want to see a new psychiatrist, I’d report her to the local licensing authority, as she should have her license revoked for sure.
Something I wanted to touch on in your next paragraph is your journey for “a real cure”. Something I’ve found in my own journey with mental health is that sometimes there isn’t a “cure”. While on the surface that doesn’t sound very inspiring, what there IS instead is a series of skills or mechanisms that help lessen the effect of what you’re going through. In my own case, I had pretty awful social anxiety when I was younger, to the point where I would sweat and shake for a small class presentation, and feel INCREDIBLY anxious all the way up to it.
Nowadays, I still feel that anxiety, it hasn’t been “cured”. However, it’s significantly lessened because of the therapy I went through, and the understanding of my mental state that I gained. I now know how to recognize it, and how to work through it. And when it does happen, I can look at myself and say “Hey, I know why this is happening, and that’s okay” which does wonders for my anxiety and prevents it from spiraling out of control. I can now comfortably (and even sometimes enjoy) giving presentations to 40 or 50 people without an issue.
I say that to show that even though a cure might not exist, there are methods that can be used to make what you’re feeling SIGNIFICANTLY easier to manage. Look at it like hunger, or sleep. It’s not like there’s a “cure” for our need for any of those, but we’ve all grown to a point where managing a lack of any of them is easy. We know when we’re hungry or tired, and we know how to fix the problem. Imagine how stressful it would be to feel hunger if you didn’t know what hunger was, and you didn’t know what food was or how to fix it!
This is why I don’t think you’re “beyond repair”. I think that if there aren’t cures out there, there ARE mechanisms that you can learn, and insight that you can find into your own innerworkings. This will help you learn how to manage, and take a lot of the stress away from what you’re dealing with. In our hunger analogy, imagine taking time to figure out what hunger was, why it happened, why it makes you feel the way you do, and finally how to fix it and resolve it!
This is why suicide isn’t the answer, because no matter who you are, I truly believe there is a way, somewhere in the universe, to manage what you’re dealing with now, and once you have those things down, there’s so much joy in the world! We ignore hunger 99% of the time we’re alive because we feel it, we eat, and then we’re full and can move on to enjoy other things
As to your last paragraph, every day you fight is actually also a day of progress IMO. Sometimes just making it through a day is a sign of progress. Sometimes slowing a fall is progress. I know it’s tiring, I know it’s exhausting, but I really do believe that the world, and some of the amazing people that inhabit it are very much worth it.
Feel free to reach out if you need to friend, I’ll warn that I don’t post incredibly frequently on the forum, but I’m trying to change that now, and if you do find yourself in the HeartSupport discord, give me a ping and let me know how you’re doing