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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to The Grudge by Tool
I’m still holding a grudge at someone who ghosted me because, just as you said, I didn’t make that choice, I just suddenly found myself in this situation. And it’s so weird to see that this person is still there and like still subscribed to my Instagram and so on, but not a part of my life anymore because he just chose to vanish. I think what makes it more difficult is seeing that he’s doing great and hasn’t shown any remorse.
I know it’s selfish, but these are my true feelings. I’m trying to forgive and let go, but it seems like I still cannot let go completely.
Oh friend. There is nothing in what you’ve described that could be labeled as selfish. The way you feel makes complete sense in light of what happened. I believe that many of us have experienced something similar at least once in our lives, and really want to reassure you that there’s nothing wrong in the way you feel, really. I have definitely been there, and holding a grudge versus learning how to let go can be really challenging and painful.
When you’re ghosted by someone, it just catches you by surprise. As you’ve described so well, you didn’t choose to be in this situation. It is a decision that has been imposed on you, even if a relationship is initially made of two. It’s hard because in this situation you don’t have a say on it. Your voice is completely removed and you can’t do anything about it. You can only witness and deal with how reality is and unfolded for you. Which is such a brutal and heartbreaking place to be in. One day you trust someone and feel like the relationship holds some level of reciprocity, then the day after you realize that the other person doesn’t want to share life with you anymore.
I’ve experienced being ghosted several times in my life by online friends I’ve learned to trust and call family. The hardest part of it was definitely to feel like my feelings and voice just didn’t matter at all. That somehow it seemed to be easy for them to end the relationship while I wouldn’t have done it that way if an issue arises. It’s hard because it triggers this abandonment wound inside of us, which can hurt very deeply. Somehow, when there is an argument and two people decide, together, to part ways, there is at least this sense of closure and understanding why it happened. But when you’re ghosted, you are removed from any possibility to understand and make your peace with it. On the contrary, it leaves you with so many open questions that remain unanswered, and to keep on moving you are forced to grieve the absence of answers.
I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this, friend. There is no doubt that you are trying your best to forgive and let go. On the other hand, it’s understandable and okay to feel like this process is difficult. That sometimes when you see them being happy and living their life, it reactivates this pain in you that makes you feel betrayed and abandoned. Healing takes time, finding closure too, and forgiving maybe even more. Through it all, it’s okay to give yourself as much time as you need and to be kind to yourself. One step at a time, one day at a time. Sometimes the pain will hit more deeply as if you were living it all over again. Sometimes it feels more manageable and distant. It is, in itself, an integral grief to walk through.
