I'm struggling friends. I'm overwhelmed

Hi everyone, I hope you’re well if you’re reading this.

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks. I’ve been struggling with work and with finding the motivation to get better and correct myself and my mistakes; I can manage to muster some enthusiasm and motivation on some days, but most days I feel like I’m putting on a mask from the time I wake up to the time I get home. I can tell my work ethic is slipping week by week because I genuinely feel like I don’t care (which I feel awful about). I feel tired all the time, like I’m dragging myself everywhere and just going through the motions till I feel comfortable with leaving for the day. Today in particular was difficult for me, as I presented at a meeting and a colleague acting as a mentor to me was debriefing with me afterwards and giving feedback on what I presented; I sat there quietly as we debriefed, and while she was making good points and being very encouraging and respectful about it I couldn’t help but think in the back of my mind “It’s never enough” or “I just don’t care”. I’ve just been overwhelmed with the feelings of worthlessness and that no matter what I do, it’s never enough so I suppose at some point recently I’ve just stopped “trying”. I need to finish what I started and those I work with deserve my best efforts with the remainder of my time here. I’m so close to the point where I can start looking for better fitting jobs and making a move to change my environment, but I am so close to saying screw it and giving up.

I’m so afraid that much of my self-worth is tied to my work and not much else; in the past 2.5 years I’ve lived in this city, I’ve made 0 friends and I am hesitant to reach out to family because I don’t need to burden them with my problems, and the times I do reach out people are either busy or they are trying to work through their own stuff which I understand and try to be helpful with. I shared on stream last week that I had opened up to my therapist about suicidal thoughts that I’ve been having, the first time I’ve ever told anyone about them in my life but not the first time I’ve had these thoughts. She recommended that I speak to a psychiatrist about trying medication, and possibly more intensive therapy to which I cannot commit as much time to as she recommended.

My chronic health issues aren’t exactly getting any easier to deal with either, so I’m having fun with learning to deal with a new “normal” which seems like at least every month or two.

I am working on what my therapist challenged me to do, which is to start reframing all these distorted thoughts and lies about myself that I have in my head. As I said, I am so close to a point in my life where I can make some changes and give myself at least a chance at something different and possibly better. I need the strength to continue moving forward, and whether I win or lose, succeed or fail, I can’t allow myself to quit.

Any positive thoughts or words would be loved and appreciated. You’re all wonderful people, thank you for reading.

Even as professionals we still make mistakes
It’s just a natural part of human development.

Keep going friend

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Hi friend,
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I’m sorry you feel like you’re putting on a mask most days. I wish I could take this pain away from you and I hope you know you aren’t alone. Thank you for trusting us enough to open up about this. I can tell that this is really bothering you and it’s really important to you.
I personally think you’re being a little too hard on yourself. I do the same thing though, someone can be telling me really positive or encouraging things about something I did, but because it’s not enough for me, I don’t listen to what they’re saying and I just tell myself negative things and say I need to “work harder” and “stop slacking off”. But friend, that’s not true. You don’t deserve to tell yourself that. I can tell you care about your job, it seems like you’re just burnt out. Maybe make a goal for yourself? or talk to your boss about what’s going on and think of a plan for you to feel better about the stuff you’re doing? maybe there’s a project or something you can lead that is important to you?sorry if that’s not very good advice, but I hope it helps a little. My point is that you are doing enough. You DO care. I can tell. I can tell you’re a very hard and dedicated worker. You may not see it, but it’s true. I am very proud of you. We all are! You are going to do so many things that you are proud of and many things that you are not proud of, but the point is that you understand that you’re trying your hardest. I know it’s easy to be hard on yourself, but look at all the good things you’ve done. You are doing your best and that is great. Just please keep trying. Maybe you can get someone you trust to help you with the work you need to get done? is that possible?
I want to encourage you to step away from work more. It seems like work is consuming your life and may be one of the only things that is controlling your life. maybe that’s why you’re so stressed over your work. You don’t have something else to escape to. I would encourage you to get closer to the people you work with, or go out and get involved in a hobby you like and meet people! I promise you aren’t a burden to your family. They care so much about you. I bet they would love to listen to what’s going in your life. If you don’t feel comfortable reaching out to them, we’re always here for you, friend.
I believe in you. You are an amazing person. I am so proud of you, you are such a strong person. I admire your bravery and want to not quit. I think that is great that you won’t allow yourself to quit, but I also encourage you to be vulnerable and open up to us whenever you feel like it’s too much. We’re always here for you, friend.
I love you. Stay strong, you got this

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