I am very, very sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. I ready your recent post about relapse, and want to tell you, that you absolutely matter. It is obvious that you care about this, coming here to talk about it, and trying to distance yourself from the tools used. I am sorry to hear that there doesn’t seem to be professional help that you have access to.
With not having any local professionals available to you… do you have a friend, family member, or parent you trust enough to confide in about this? One that you could come to when the urges get too strong, and let them hold onto your tools? Or at least talk you through the hardest times? I know that may be a big ask. But if that is what helps you get through the hardest urges, maybe that would be easier than trying to face this alone, in the long run. You came to us and were vulnerable, can you do that with a friend/family member, too?
You are loved, and you absolutely matter. Each day will be it’s own struggle, and I truly hope that it becomes easier for you, friend.