I'm struggling with anger

I feel like I am constantly being blasted by memories and emotions 24/7 as if I’m living in a wind tunnel of shame, rage, and despair. When I was 19, my mom had a deliverance prayer (non-denominational exorcism) preformed on me due to my homosexuality and diagnosed mental health condition. She and a few women from her church prayed over me, anointed me with oil, forced me to speak in tongues, and then made me burn about half of my possessions (clothes, books, video games/consoles, DVDs, CDs, etc) so that I would not be tempted to sin by any object that had a “negative voice” attached to it. Though I was an adult, I was living with a severe mental health condition and could not function independently at the time. My parents also told me that if I left and didn’t go through with the deliverance and go to church against my will then they would make sure I got fired from my job and speak ill of me to everyone we knew.
For years, I shut down and just became the “yes, mommy,” son. I eventually moved out when I was 24 and things began to get better but all of that unprocessed anger began coming up in every day life and in my relationships. Now I’m in my 30s and I feel completely overcome and drowning in memories, anger, and shame. I spent 4 and a half years in therapy and things have been better, but as more time has passed, more things have come to the light from the past that I was unaware of. So I’m going back to therapy next week!
I struggle with these emotions that feel like pure fire in my soul. I want to go no contact with my mom because honestly I feel like I hate her for what she did. But I also love her because she wasn’t always like that. Regardless however, I feel like she’s not nor will ever be sorry.
I know this a lot so here’s the short version:
My mom was religiously and spiritually abusive when I was a teenager and young adult and now I struggle with complex muddled emotions on a daily basis.

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My friend, I have sympathy for you…
I am 52 years old, and have had “indoctrination” pressed upon me Many times. I’m a baptized Mormon, only because I was nothing more than eight years old and had no choice. It’s complicated but I got out of it while I was young.
Only to be beaten down by Christian fundimentalists, that actually freed my from the LDS religion.

The point I’m trying to make is, make your own decisions. free your mund

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Than you! My heart goes out to you as well. I have made a life for myself now. I got married, went to college, and my husband and I started our own business. There is so much I am grateful for. Unfortunately I’m still haunted by the past from time to time. But I’ll get there. I’ve already come this far

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Love is key for me. I’m learning to love myself instead of all the negative thoughts and images that rise up constantly. I try and say the serenity prayer when there’s just something or someone pisses me off. With that being said it hasn’t worked all the time for me but it’s all about progress and not perfection. You are loved and worth loving :heart:.

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Thank you for being here @GreggFletcher. Feeling really honored by the trust you put into this community here by sharing about your story. I just recorded a voice reply to you available here: I'm struggling with anger - HeartSupport / Support - heartsupport - 13 June 2024 | Loom - Hold Fast, friend. :hrtlegolove: