I am going to start this text by telling everyone that English is not my first language, so it might be difficult for me to express what I think but I will try my best.
It begun when I started going to college 3 to 4 years ago doing Game Design. From the start to the end of the graduation my parents advised me that I should do something that is currently giving a lot of money like administration or lawyer, I didn’t follow their advises because I wanted to do something that I would love to do even in a bad day. The whole graduation was going alright since I made new friends and was liking what I was studying, the problems started to appear when I finished the college, I just couldn’t find someplace to work because there are not even 30 companies hiring a game designer. I applied to all of those who were available but I wasn’t competent enough, I guess…
I didn’t pay for my college because of a financial project in my country called FIES, I would study for free and pay everything 1 year and a half later after I finished my graduation, I finished the college last year so I will have to start paying it in less than an year. I still can’t find a job til this day and I know I can just start working in a small place, but what is stopping me from doing that is that I will get less than 300 dollars since the minimum wage where I live is really low and the currency is worth almost nothing. My family didn’t want this for my life and considering that, I got the support of my grandmother, she said she would invest in me and I decided to start studying other things.
It was April, after knowing that I wouldn’t be able to work as a Game Designer even if I wanted to, I started studying other things that I loved like art, started drawing a lot and got stuck right after, the loop of sadness started, I couldn’t evolve anymore because of my anxiety, everything that I drew simply suck for me and I couldn’t see my self in a higher place as an artist, I stopped drawing things before even finishing the sketches, I stopped doing everything that was good for my growth and started felling miserable and worthless.
I stopped eating healthy because I started hating the foods I usually ate, started eating fast food and other unhealthy foods because they tasted delicious even if I didn’t have appetite. I got 44 pounds in 5 months and became overweight.
I started reading Manga, Manhwas and Novels more frequently because seeing the main characters succeeding in life made me feel happy.
I started watching live streams til I realized Twitch was the first site I opened after opening my browser, watching my favorites streamers made me feel happy and made me forget about how worthless and insignificant I was. They were the main reasons for me to stop thinking about bad things like "Would someone miss me If I killed my self?"
I started playing games more and more because it felt good and made me happy too.
All of those things in bold are the things that stops me from doing something I would probably regret, I feel like shit every single day because I am just wasting the money my grandmother is investing in me, because my parents are probably not proud of me because I’m just wasting my time playing games and watching stream.
That’s where I’m currently stuck, I feel sad about what I’m doing with my life and I feel happy doing the things that I like. What makes me feel even sadder is when I think that I have a good life, I have a good PC to play games and I can eat food whenever I want. Even though I have a really good PC for study I don’t do it and it makes me really frustrated and sad.
I hope everything in this text is understandable and I would like to thank Heart Support for encouraging me to write this text because this is the first time I’m telling all of those things to someone.