I'm stuck in a rough patch

Hey friends.
First off (if I can type through tears), thank you everyone who has noticed my absence and reached out to me or participated in the little project of encouragement that Blurryface did for me the other day. I cried happy tears there. But I also realized that you guys don’t know what is going on so…I came to share a bit of it as well as some new developments.

Ash, Patrick, and I are looking for an apartment. We applied somewhere. The whole endeavor is turning out to be a real challenge filled with lots of frustration, challenges, arguments, depression naps, and tears. All 3 of us have various issues we need to get away from. None of us want to stay where we are any longer. For me, my hometown is somewhere filled with a lot of bad memories…and we (my family, doctor, and I) have recently discovered I may have a bit of PTSD from things that have happened in my past. My sister definitely has PTSD. The nightmares, anxiety attacks, and moments of paranoia are hard. I did finally reach out to my PCP and he prescribed an anxiety medication (generic version of xanax) on top of my two antidepressants (trazodone and lexapro). It helps but I really need to get out of here…especially since one of my attackers from high school has moved back in next to me. I see him everyday and it scares me. Theres also no jobs here which kind of makes things hard.

Add to it my health issues…we’ve been trying to get to the bottom of things and figure out why I am in almost constant pain now days and all that the tons of tests have left us with are more questions not answers. I’m being tested now for some really scary things…including Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Lupus, and a few other cure-less autoimmune diseases that could severely impact my future. As if my nightmares aren’t bad enough from my past, I now have nightmares about tests and what the future holds from a physical health perspective for me. One thing my doctors and i know for sure is that whatever is wrong with me needs to be found out soon because things are definitely getting progressively worse.

Lastly (only covered the 3 main things), today I went to my allergist and she now believes that I am developing a severe allergy to my puppy. May 4th of this year I adopted Zoey, a 12lb chi-pug. If my allergy testing next Tuesday reveals that I am developing a severe allergy to her, I will be forced to give her up. I prayed for this dog after my family lost both of our big dogs this year to cancer related complications. I’ve poured tons of money into this dog. I have also never lived without a dog. The thought of losing her (even if in a different sense than the other dogs) is still devastating.

It really feels like life just keeps raining on me. Its exhausting. I’m so thankful I have you guys behind me but its freaking hard. I’m losing sight of the future. A few of you know that I used to not see myself in the future…I was going to kill myself before or at 21years old…I am now going on 22 years old. I never planned for a future. Then HS, Ash, and Patrick happened…for a while there, I was doing really well. I quit cutting. I got rid of the things I could use to hurt myself. I started to dream and believe that things were going to be okay again. Now, I just don’t know. So much keeps happening. I get that life is not easy but…have I done something to deserve all of this pain and brokenness? Have I done something to deserve like constantly beating me down just when I feel like I’m back on my feet again? If this is all my life is going to be…what is the point of continuing forward?

If you’ve read all this, thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you everyone here for loving me. I assume at some point I’ll get over myself…maybe. I just, I wish you guys could come hug me. This season is rough.

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Hey Bethy,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what is going on. I am so sorry you are having to deal with so much. And then having to possibly lose your puppy. That’s so sad. I’m so sorry.

You haven’t done anything to deserve this brokenness. It is just a result of living in this broken world.

I am not dealing with the same things as you. But I can relate to feeling like, “Is this all my life is going to be?” and wondering what the point of it all is. Honestly, even as a Christian I have these thoughts. Because, the reality is, life is hard. Life can really suck sometimes. But, in that, I also have a hope that rises above myself and my circumstances. Even when it doesn’t make me “feel” better in the moment.

I am so glad that you are able to move in with Ash and Patrick! That is definitely a majorly good thing to have happening! I know it doesn’t change all the bad that is happening. But at least you have that. :slight_smile:


Dearest Bethy,

I am so proud of you first off for sharing all of this on the wall. Most of this is stuff that actually isnt new to me so I am so so proud of you for opening up. YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND. You do so much for me and you have spend so much time in my life and I can never thank you enough. I am beyond glad you are in my life and that we are working to get out of these things. It means a lot to me that you are working so hard with me. I know how frustrating it is to not have answer.

On the medical stuff yes that is so frustrating and so hard to deal with these unknowns. I want you to know that it does not make you any less than the amazing human I see and that I call my best friend. That wont change. I also know just how hard it is to deal with this stuff as I also struggle with that. But let me tell you that I am praying for answers and that what we fear is not what happens.

On the allergies and the dog oh boy so freaking hard like I get how hard it is because of my own allergies but that cant help take away the pain you must be feeling about this dog. I would hate to have gotten it all worked out prayed for it and than to come and find I cant because of allergies would eat me alive. I am so sorry. I know life is not easy but you will make it through this. Hold on to those hopes because you are going to get out of there and you are going to get better. I wonder if part of your medical issues partly due to a bad place at home. So know that it can be helped. I know a lot is going on but you always have us.

I love you bethy
Hold fast


My dear friend Bethy,

It brings tears to my eyes to see how much you are struggling. Although we have not faced the same situations, I have been in a similar place before.

In 2016 my dad almost died from a disease that is supposed to make a cold sore- but he never gets cold sores so it went to his brain and we woke up to him having a seizure on the kitchen floor- I am the lucky one who did not have to experience that sight. When we got to the hospital he didn’t know our names- literally all he was talking was computer talk (because that’s what he works with). It was devastating to see the confusion in his eyes. He needed IV’s for a month, and luckily my grandmother was there to help so my mom could go back to work after a week and a half of traumatic occurrences and fighting the unknown. My dad slowly got better- but all through that time he would speak of killing himself because he couldn’t do certain things like drive or go to work, he was always so easily angered because of the smallest things. Anyways- he got better, and has improved a lot to this day, but in December of 2016 my grandmother passed away- a week after discovering she had cancer and putting her in Hospice. Then my family fell apart…it was basically like a domino affect.

I apologize for my depiction of my life story from the past 2 years, but I guess what I’m getting at is you’re not alone. I was at a point where I was contemplating suicide, I had the materials to do it, and I self injured on a day to day basis. I felt like I wasn’t going to make it- I lived in my head, and I couldn’t get out. I still feel guilty to this day for wishing certain things would happen just so I had a reason. I’ll agree with you- life is hard, but that’s not a good way to look at it when we struggle; when I’m in a shit place in life and I need to boost myself up- I just have to remember that things will get better, and man is that hard.

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved pets- I don’ know what I will do when I have to go through that. I know your dad was also sick for a long time but I am glad that things are looking up a bit for him. I’m sorry that you might have to give up your new puppy- I know that must be so so hard and I can’t even fathom having to do that after putting in so much money and work and time.

I can so deeply feel that. You don’t deserve this pain- no one does. I too think these thoughts when times are rough and it’s just like I am continually beat down over and over. I totally feel these words on a spiritual level- I have heard them come out of my mouth, echo in my head, and be typed into the exact site that you are at. Friend, you are not alone.

I apologize for the essay I have written and the 2 hour long documentary depiction of the past two years of my life- but friend, I just want you to know you are so so SO loved. And cherished. And important and valued and awesome and amazing and so so so needed in this world.

I know things are hard, but I know you have the fight in you. We love you, we are here for you no matter what.

Hold fast,

With love,
lyss (ur old pal Blurryface):heart:

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We will always be here for you no matter what friend. I love you and I won’t let what is happening keep on crushing you I promise you that. I might have not been in a good position to help you but I am now.

Ash hit on all of the points I was going to mention as well. You have been a force in my life that I didn’t expect. I know its hard to keep on pushing to not find the answers but trust me you will find the answers. I believe that because of this rough patch that it can only get better from here.

Bethy as your significant other, I love you and I’m sending massive hugs your way friend.

You matter to me too.
Hold Fast,
PMacDanceDude (Patrick)


Hey @TheeCrazyBethy,

I’m so sorry to hear about the extremely difficult transition that you’re going through (via moving places), on top of your physical and mental health issues. First off, I’m proud of you for taking action in deliberately moving places - especially to get away from your attacker. From personal experience, I’ve always found an increase of happiness while living with close friends, so I think you’ll have a great time once you move in with Ash and Patrick, which, in return, will help with your depression and anxiety.

2012 was the worst year of my life and I was asking the same questions. I can guarantee you that your life won’t always be like this. For me, 2012 was the worst, 2013 was also rough, but 2014 turned out to be the best year of my life. Who knows, maybe the best year of your life is just around the corner. Keep hanging on. We’re here for you! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Please keep reaching out!