First off (if I can type through tears), thank you everyone who has noticed my absence and reached out to me or participated in the little project of encouragement that Blurryface did for me the other day. I cried happy tears there. But I also realized that you guys don’t know what is going on so…I came to share a bit of it as well as some new developments.
Ash, Patrick, and I are looking for an apartment. We applied somewhere. The whole endeavor is turning out to be a real challenge filled with lots of frustration, challenges, arguments, depression naps, and tears. All 3 of us have various issues we need to get away from. None of us want to stay where we are any longer. For me, my hometown is somewhere filled with a lot of bad memories…and we (my family, doctor, and I) have recently discovered I may have a bit of PTSD from things that have happened in my past. My sister definitely has PTSD. The nightmares, anxiety attacks, and moments of paranoia are hard. I did finally reach out to my PCP and he prescribed an anxiety medication (generic version of xanax) on top of my two antidepressants (trazodone and lexapro). It helps but I really need to get out of here…especially since one of my attackers from high school has moved back in next to me. I see him everyday and it scares me. Theres also no jobs here which kind of makes things hard.
Add to it my health issues…we’ve been trying to get to the bottom of things and figure out why I am in almost constant pain now days and all that the tons of tests have left us with are more questions not answers. I’m being tested now for some really scary things…including Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Lupus, and a few other cure-less autoimmune diseases that could severely impact my future. As if my nightmares aren’t bad enough from my past, I now have nightmares about tests and what the future holds from a physical health perspective for me. One thing my doctors and i know for sure is that whatever is wrong with me needs to be found out soon because things are definitely getting progressively worse.
Lastly (only covered the 3 main things), today I went to my allergist and she now believes that I am developing a severe allergy to my puppy. May 4th of this year I adopted Zoey, a 12lb chi-pug. If my allergy testing next Tuesday reveals that I am developing a severe allergy to her, I will be forced to give her up. I prayed for this dog after my family lost both of our big dogs this year to cancer related complications. I’ve poured tons of money into this dog. I have also never lived without a dog. The thought of losing her (even if in a different sense than the other dogs) is still devastating.
It really feels like life just keeps raining on me. Its exhausting. I’m so thankful I have you guys behind me but its freaking hard. I’m losing sight of the future. A few of you know that I used to not see myself in the future…I was going to kill myself before or at 21years old…I am now going on 22 years old. I never planned for a future. Then HS, Ash, and Patrick happened…for a while there, I was doing really well. I quit cutting. I got rid of the things I could use to hurt myself. I started to dream and believe that things were going to be okay again. Now, I just don’t know. So much keeps happening. I get that life is not easy but…have I done something to deserve all of this pain and brokenness? Have I done something to deserve like constantly beating me down just when I feel like I’m back on my feet again? If this is all my life is going to be…what is the point of continuing forward?
If you’ve read all this, thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you everyone here for loving me. I assume at some point I’ll get over myself…maybe. I just, I wish you guys could come hug me. This season is rough.