I grew up in a family that was controlling. I wasn’t allowed to drive until I was 18, not allowed to go on dates, etc. When it was time for me to go away to college, my parents did nothing whatsoever to help me get there because they didn’t want me to leave and they were perfectly fine with that. I couldn’t fill out loans of for financial aid. So it left me dependent on my family. Mom and dad divorced and dad moved to Oklahoma and my mom started dating a guy who only ever gave me the creeps. I couldn’t be in the same room with him because I’m an empath and could feel how terrible he was. My mom lost her job and our house. So i had to decide between going with her and the creepy boyfriend or to my fathers who molested me as a child. So I ended up going with my dad because he was unfortunately the better option.
He ended up raping me one night and i called my cousin who called the cops and removed me from the house and took me to the hospital. I had zero time to grab anything important like documents or even my wallet. My brother was called who had to drive several hours to come get me and bring me home with him. He didn’t believe me that our dad did that or that dad molested me. He accused me of lying just so i could live with him (I’d honestly of rather kept being raped than live with my brother). He never took me to get my stuff or my documents. My mom couldn’t be bothered to help me. So I lost everything.
My brother has never let me get my drivers license again. He’s never let me replace my birth certificate or my social security card. He’s not allowed me to work. He told everyone he knew that I was crazy and lied about my dad raping me. So i never even had a fair chance to befriend anyone. I don’t have a bank account. I don’t have any credit. I’m almost 38. I’m 100% dependent on him by his choice.
He’s been extremely abusive lately emotionally. Like he’s been against the price of a soda at restaurants being $2.50 “that’s like half an hour of work for me for you to drink that soda! How is that fair?! You’re selfish.” And i without thinking ordered a coke with my meal the other day. He forced me to drink 4 glasses because he wanted me to get $2.50 worth of soda and told me i was lucky he was ready to leave, or else it would have been 5. I was sick as a dog the rest of the night because of the syrup. Yesterday i made the suggestion of having meatballs for NYE. He didn’t say yes or no. He bought everything for it. I made it and he refused to eat any of it because he didn’t want them and their nasty and now he’s going to starve because I’m selfish. And then told me I’m not allowed to eat anything except the meatballs until they are all gone. He bought a 3 lb bag… I’m going to be eating these for days… I would have ate anything… But he does this each time i choose what to eat. Literally every time. I get punished for it and i don’t even want to choose because i know what’s coming and he makes me choose.
We are staying with friends because we’re homeless after losing our business which he did absolutely nothing to promote and never listened to any advice or suggestions i have, because I’m at home every day and what do i know about the real world. And I know the people we’re staying with see this and hear this and they do nothing and say nothing. I don’t have anywhere to go. He’s cut me away from all friendships i have. We have no other family. I don’t even have a cellphone. I’m not even able to be online unless he’s home.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m so stuck and I just want it to stop and get away with my dog he keeps threatening to get rid off even though we’ve had her for over 10 years. I have come so close to just killing myself but a voice inside my heart tells me not too. And I don’t know why. I have nothing to live for. And I tried talking to domestic violence groups for suggestions and they told me it doesn’t apply to me because he’s not my spouse or boyfriend. Which left me feeling even more lost.
I feel invisible. Like nobody cares or gives a shit. And i don’t know how to reach out to anyone about this. I have no way to get to anyone even if i did. I don’t know what to do. And I don’t want to get police involved or anything like that. I just want to get away and let him live in his own self pity and misery.