I'm such a fool

Hi my friends,

This feels like such a run-of-the-mill post, so I apologise in advance for my lack of originality.

I’ve had feelings for someone irl for a few months after I was involved in a big protest earlier this year. I didn’t tell them, but I feel that my feelings were quite obvious given they amount of time and attention I was willing to give them.

They were missing in a meeting for a protest we’re going to tomorrow and so I messaged them to ask them if they were alright. They just got back to me and said they were on a date with another activist.

It feels so idiotic given the deep pain that exists on this forum and I feel guilt for detracting from that.

I keep coming across programmes and podcasts that make fun of Autistic people like me; people who say they’re “so Autistic and retarded” whenever they do something stupid; my own co-workers saying to me that people with genetic disorders like me are the “losers” of the future after genetic screening is perfected; doctors saying how much it would mean to mothers to have children who will hug them once their Autism is cured. I feel I was so monumentally stupid for ever thinking that someone could reciprocate my feelings. It’s so obvious to me now that everyone in that group just pities me; I’m just a fucking joke who people tolerate until I can be fucking obliterated. Oh and my hair fell out while I was a university and never grew back fully; I’m disgusting, every part of me is vile. I have to still live with my Mum because I’m so pathetic that I can’t live alone.

Who on Earth would want me in their life? I’m a mess emotionally and physically. I was a fool to ever think otherwise. The whole world laughs at people like me, why wouldn’t this person too? I wrote “retard” all over my arms in pen; I don’t know why. I think I just want to show my body that I despise it.

I’m sorry for this hysterical mess of words. I didn’t know where else to turn but here and I didn’t know who else would listen.

I don’t mean to offend any other Autistic people here or people who live with their parents or people whose hair has fallen out. That’s the last thing I would want to do. I’m in emotional distress and don’t know what to do with it. Please forgive me.

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Sweet friend

Goodness there is so much I want to say to you right now its hard to know where to begin.

Lets start with you having feelings for someone and them not being reciprocated!
That hurts! that has happened I think to probably most of us and I promise you this is not to do with your Autism, it is to do with matters of the heart and thats it. You meet people you get attatched and your heart reaches out to them and theirs do not reach back. I have no idea why they wouldnt, we all know how bloody amazing you are so maybe its their problem, their blindness that is stopping this. its not idiotic when a heart hurts and you cant help who you fall for, good lord i have fallen for some right ones in my time. This is no reflection on you my dear friend.
Please dont let this question everything about yourself.
I admire you so much and I dont think i have told you that so now is a darn good time to do so. I have no idea why your co workers have this opinion of autistic people but it says a lot more about them than it does about anyone with any mental health problem. I personally pity them, what a tragic way to live.
I have said this to someone on here before and ill say it to you now… If i could show you, you through my eyes you be so much nicer to yourself, you would see what an amazing human being you are, what a beautiful soul you have, how kind, gentle and giving you are and how much you are loved and I dont care who you live with.
We want you in our lives, I want you in my life. I cant imagine you not being there now. you are my friend and I love you very very much and I know lots of other do too.
Take your time, breathe and its ok to be upset over this person you like but please dont hate yourself for something for which you have no control.
I am here and on discord if you want to talk my friend.
Much love always
Lisa xx

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I have a few posts here about the stigma I encounter. I read about how dangerous, toxic and manipulative I am because I have borderline personality disorder. It’s really hard to tell myself I’m not those things when society is relentless at telling me. I can totally relate to you and it totally sucks.

I know you as being a very caring and awesome person and I’m thankful I know you. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to see those horrible things online. I hope that you know that you are NOT a loser and that you ARE a beautiful human with a heart of gold. :rose:

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Dear @dr_hogarth

There is absolutely nothing run-of-the-mill about your pain. Heartbreak and disappointment STING when they occur, and sometimes it takes a reallllly long time to fully free ourselves of that pain.

BUT i wanna just point out that you extrapolated data from one person (who may be smart, but might also be pretty terrible at social cues and understanding that you were indeed interested!), to MOST people not liking you, appreciating you. Unkind people’s words should never be the fall-back opinion you rely on.

Living with parents is not such a strange thing for many cultures around the world, including many persons there where you are too. It’s not a curse, but a blessing in many ways.

You’ve very loved and very important to us here, and to so many communities, and to many of us individually as well. I know you’re in an emotion cloud right now, and you need to ride it out. Even in the midst of your distress, you tried to shield others from your pain and any offense your words may cause. Sending big hugs, it hurts right now but it won’t be forever. You Matter.

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You are no fool.
First I’m sorry about this person you have feelings for. It’s so hard when you put time and effort into trying to get to know someone and those feelings aren’t reciprocated. It hurts and you have every right to feel hurt about that. I do hope that you will meet someone who takes as much time to get to know you and see what a big heart you have.
You are never detracting from anyone. Hurt is hurt and if we can’t share that with the community we trust and love then where else?!

This breaks my heart. It’s not okay to minimise people because of who they are. You know when I read about the “having children who will hug them” I just nearly cried. My friend has the most beautiful boy who has a higher spectrum of autism, he needs full care. But he is so loving and kind. He used to always come and sit on my lap and point to the cars. He slowly learned how to talk and start communicating his love. He sees the world so differently and so beautifully. Maybe if more people spent time to see the world through his eyes … through your eyes… through the eyes of people they look down on, they’d see so much more than what they’re looking at.

I know I haven’t been able to talk much to you, but every now and again I see what you’ve achieved and see the care and love you spread to others and I admire you. You work hard and you don’t make excuses. Who on earth could live without people like you in their lives?! I wouldn’t be here if not for people like you. People who don’t just talk about making a change, but actually lead by example. Who are brave and talk about the things that they feel.
I know the voices of people trying to shut you down sound so loud, and I wish there were more people like you to quiet them.
For some reason I think you could write a book about your passions. About who you are and what you’ve achieved.

My friend tells me sometimes “don’t let the bastards get you down”, and most of the time I laugh, but it really hits when I have days where people at work or in the world try to crush my spirit.

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Thank you everyone. Reading your messages this morning was like drinking a warm hot chocolate. I feel calmer today, but the emotions and self-disgust are still in the background. I’m seeing the person I had feelings for today in a protest and I’m just praying I can hold it together. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

You folks never cease to amaze and inspire me; to be there for someone calling for help who you don’t even really know. It restores so much faith that I had lost in humanity. Thank you for being you and for being there for me. I hope I can be there in the same way when you need help x

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Dear Friend, You are always there when others need help, I am so glad you feel calmer today.
I hope it all goes ok, take all the strength that we also have and take it with you.
I hope your day is a much better one. You are loved xx

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I saw him today and I felt so complicated inside. I feel I want to tell him how I feel, but that I have no expectations of him to reciprocate. It’s just the uncertainty of what could have been which is killing me. My Mum is totally against me telling him, because she thinks it’s unfair to unload this on him. Anyway, I drafted this message, I just feel I want to be honest:

*Hi ****,

This is going to be awkward so ~takes deep breath~.

I didn’t tell you the whole truth when you asked me earlier what was bothering me. It is true what happened with my Dad but I had something else on my mind too. Okay, so around the time of the BEIS action I started to become aware that I had feelings for you; I cared just that little bit more when you were arrested. This is so awkward for me to say and I was going to tell you in person today but I lost the words and the energy to do so. I have always found being honest and myself around you easy, and you make my mind feel creative and energised, even when I feel at my worst.

To be honest, I decided a few weeks back that I had to let it go because I didn’t want to annoy you or jeopardise our friendship. I kind of decided I was being ridiculous anyway; I’m not the most confident of people as you know. I was going along with my let it go strategy until last night when you said you’d been on a date with someone. Part of me was really happy for you but another part was just sent into a tailspin. I didn’t sleep much last night as I wasn’t sure what to do about my emotions.

I spoke to a good friend of mine and she said that I would regret not telling you and I think she’s right. I don’t expect anything from you at all and I hope that this doesn’t stop us being friends. I owe both you and myself honesty; shoving my emotions into a box hasn’t served me well over the years.

Seriously, I have zero expectations and the last thing I would want to do is get between you and the person you’re dating. I’m genuinely happy for you. I just felt I wanted to tell you, because I’ve always tried to be honest with you as a good friend.

I haven’t sent it and maybe I’ll leave it a couple of days to decide if I want to or not. I don’t know, I’m not used to being in these situations tbh

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That is so beautifully explained and written. I think the idea of holding on to it for a few days is a good one, maybe allow all this emotions that have been up in the air for the past couple of days calm a bit before making the leap.
“Never act in haste or hurry; be deliberated in everything; wait until you know the true way” I know you know how you feel but be absolutely certain in a clear head that you want to tell them.
I am certain you will know. Im so proud of you. xx

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Thank you Lisa. You’re such a good friend. I will wait a few days to think it over and until I’m in a more level frame of mind. I am prone to acting without thinking and I don’t want to do that this time. x

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