Less than 2 years ago my family lost one of our furbabies. I know some people think “It’s only a dog” but he was the glue that held the family together, and after he died, we all fell apart. Anyone who knows me knows how much my dogs mean to me, so will know how hard that was.
In September last year, Katie, someone I loved like a little sister took her own life - and I’m still grieving that, still hoping for it to be one big joke and not real.
On New Years Eve one of my other furbabies became partly paralysed and had to have emergency spinal surgery. As a result of his long recovery, he has to now have 2 more operation to repair the cruciate in both of his back legs. It’s will be November at the earliest before he is able to walk again. It could be longer. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
My dad is very very ill. The last time we saw him this sick, we thought he was going to die. The doctors aren’t being much help and we don’t really know what to do right now.
Then there’s today. I walked into work to be told by my manager that someone I have worked with for 6 years, and would consider a friend took his own life yesterday. It was so hard to get through the shift knowing that I’m never going to see him again.
It just keeps piling up. It won’t stop. I don’t know how to handle all of this. It’s just so much.
My love I am so sorry. I know words can’t fix this. I know it’s impossible to understand and feels so overwhelming I know that it feels like life is kicking you and everyone around you when you are down.
I also know that after the suffering and the waiting comes rising. I believe in that with all of my heart. I believe that there is good for you and the ones you love.
So today just feel it all, bu not just the bad stuff. Feel the joy too, the joy of loving these people, the joy of the memories you had. I heard a quote that said “what is grief but love perservering” and I thought it was so powerful. So let your love persevere in all of it’s messiness.
Also here is a quote from my favorite book. It brings me comfort when I just want all the pain to go away.
"“Like Jesus who walked straight toward his own crucifixion. First the pain, then the waiting, then the rising. All of our suffering comes when we try to get to your resurrection without allowing ourselves to be crucified first. There is no glory except straight through your story. Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. That is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process. Having such little faith in myself that I numb or hide or consume my way out of my fiery feelings again and again. So my goal is to stop abandoning myself and stay. To trust that I’m strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to the process of becoming. Because what scares me a hell of a lot more than pain is living my entire life and missing my becoming. What scares me more than feeling it all is missing it all.”
I love you. I’m proud of you and I believe in you.
I’m sorry this is happening, but I’m so proud of you for keeping on going and I’m proud that you reached out on the wall. I don’t know what to say except that life is unfair and it really sucks sometimes and it’s okay to be mad because of it, but don’t let yourself get caught in the negative spiral, please. Take some time to give everything a place, to grief. Take as much time as you need. I’m here if you need to just talk about your colleague, your pets, your dad. If you need to vent, you can always dive into dm’s and I will listen if you need it.
I’m also available for just hanging out if you want, playing games, colouring, drawing, having a listening session to music, you name it, I would be honoured to do that with you.
I love you, Kayla!
