Sorry in advance if this is all over the place, I only just got the news about this situation and I can’t stop feeling horrible. I feel so guilty, sad and ashamed and just need some nice words or some words on how to deal with this situation better, i don’t know just something since I don’t have anyone to talk to this about right now. This will be solely from my POV so some of this will be very biased and I ask you not make any severe judgment of characters, I don’t want to portray anyone in a horrible light or insinuate anyone in this situation is a bad person.
To explain my mom found a new boyfriend about a year or two ago and last year he instantly moved in with us, I’m already an adult but I still live with my mom because due to serious mental health issues I’m disabled and cannot work, I’m currently 21 and have been trying my best to find any sort of work and stuff, but moving out is pretty much out of the question for me right now since I don’t make any money and I have really really horrible paranoia issues so living with people I’m unfamiliar with is really frightening to me.
My moms boyfriend has been acting off for a few weeks, he seemed very sad and upset and basically avoided her and even to me didn’t talk very much and has been going through a general life crisis, it’s been causing my mom a lot of stress and anxiety as he’s very bad at opening up. She confronted him today and had a long talk and now a little ago she comes into my room to tell me that they’re breaking up and he’s moving out, and the reason he’s leaving is because of me. He says most kids my age are independent enough and are already living on their own and it bothers him and annoys him whenever I come upstairs to get food from the kitchen (because it’s pretty much tied to the living room). due to my depression I barely ever leave my room to begin with and spend most of my time in my own room, we have a shared kitchen so I only ever go upstairs to get food and sometimes greet and talk to my mom when she comes home from work as we are somewhat close, I’ve been trying to come out of my room more because my mom and even him encourage it so hearing this is naturally very confusing for me. He also said that he can’t deal with the fact I’m mentally ill, that all the stuff I talk about (regarding going to therapy and all the rehab places I’ve been trying to seek out) makes him anxious and upset and it’s too much for him.
I’ve always felt like a huge failure for not being able to do things on my own and still living at home, and I have big problems with feeling like a nuisance and a burden on my mom. she said not to take it personally but how am I supposed to not take it personally if the reason their relationship is falling apart is the fact that I’m still so present in her life? Me and my mom have spent so so so long rekindling and repairing our relationship after all the childhood trauma I faced and I’m so scared she’s going to resent me for ruining her relationship. I’m scared she’s going to want to get rid of me because I’m the reason her relationships keep failing, I know finding a boyfriend at her age is difficult especially if you have children, and especially if you have a mentally ill child that still lives at home.
I can’t stop feeling guilty and horrible and scared, I don’t want my mom to hate me for what happened and I feel like such a huge failure again for not being able to take care of myself. I don’t have anyone to turn to, I have no friends which places I could stay at and I feel like my mom will want to not see me for a while but I don’t want to keep locking myself inside my room because it’s unhealthy…I really don’t know what to do and feel so awful
oh my dear,
this is NOT on you.
You know what adults do? Adults sometimes can’t accept responsibilities and they blame everyone else around them. You didn’t cause any troubles here. Sounds like this guy was going through his own mental stuff and his own general life crisis and instead of talking through it with his partner, he chose to cowardly blame you. You barely leave your room, he knew about you before he moved in.
Sounds like he couldn’t handle his own stuff, and is blaming you because he’s too weak and too scared to say, “hey I can’t do this, I want to break up with you but I don’t want to look like the bad guy here, so I’ll blame your kid instead!”
Living at home is such a strange thing for me still. It’s so culturally different, here moving out is basically unheard of, and usually only happens when there are multiple kids and one is getting married. Unless you’re marrying, the kids here stay at home, with their parents, sometimes they’ll move out if their jobs are really far away. So the pressure of leaving home isn’t a universal thing, neither is it some sort of universal human thing that has to happen.
It sounds like you and your mother have been doing some work to get closer and understand each other, and it sounds like you’re making progress personally. Your mother has not said anything to you, has she? This is mainly your fears and worries telling you these things.
Your mom cares about you. I hope you can think of yourself more kindly, you’re trying so hard, keep trying. You matter and you are important and valuable, just as you are. We’re all struggling with something, this is yours. Thank you for trusting us, and I hope that sharing here brings you some comfort and some reassurance that you do matter and that you are indeed loved, friend!
She knows that it’s not your fault he felt that way. It’s his own insecurities and ignorance that is the problem, not you at all. I bet your mother wasn’t happy about how he felt either and was glad he left. Her love for you far out weighs anything she could feel for him. As a mother, if someone I was dating talked like that about my son, I would ask him to leave.
Be thankful that your mother didn’t marry him and trust your mother when she says not to take it personally. It’s not your fault, it’s his own personal issues that caused this 100%.
You are not a failure. 
From: .pinkviolet. (fenn ツ)
This at all isn’t your fault. In my own personal opinion, it sounds like your mother’s boyfriend is attempting to use you as a scapegoat, or potentionally even a cop out to get out of the relationship-- which is wrong on so many levels. I would attest that it’s also possibly ablest for him to act that way towards you or even make that comment because it’s regarding your disability.
I know your mother and you have been working on rekindling your relationship together for a very long time, and I applaud you both for doing that. But, this isn’t on you. And she knows that. It’s on him, and if he can’t take the time to realize you’re trying, and encourage you and support you for your efforts-- then she shouldn’t be with him either. It takes two in a relationship, and with that, she still shouldn’t allow someone to try to dictate how you need to live your life-- and then threaten a relationship because of it. In my opinion, you both deserve better.
If no one’s told you lately, I’m proud of you for posting here. It takes a lot of courage and strength to come forward about issues like these. We’re all here to support you, and congratulate your efforts, no matter what.
From: JennaLouiseC
It’s a very tough situation that you’re going through. I want you to know that this is not your fault. It’s very difficult to separate yourself from other peoples decisions when you’ve been made to feel as if you were a part of their decision. But I really want you to know that you’re not responsible for other peoples choices. I hope that you can continue to work on your relationship with your mom and that you can focus on taking care of your well-being. I’m happy that you’re here in this community. It’s a great place to be and it’s filled with people who will listen and who care about you. You matter, your feelings are important and valid. Hold fast, friend.
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hey Friend, Thank you for your post, I am so very sorry that you have been put in this situation, I dont think it really matters whos POV this is, the fact that your Mums relaionship has ended ( I am sorry for that by the way) and that you have gotten the blame for it is not right and its unfair that firstly that was even mentioned to you as that was a cop out excuse by that man who clearly had other reasons for ending the relationship . I dont think you should ever have been told that discussion had happened, that was private between two people and all it has done is brought hurt and upset to you. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about, you have done nothing wrong at all, it sounds to me like to try your best. This guy decided to end things for HIS reasons and you willl probably never find out what they really were, please do not hide away from your mum as if you are guitly of something because you are not, be there to support one another, love oneanother and move forward together. You are a wonderful person. Much Love Lisa x
I’d like to echo what the others have said. It’s not you, it’s him. HE is the one who can’t deal with you, even though you were there first. HE is the one who chose to leave. HE is the one who doesn’t like hearing about therapy, rehab, and other things you’re doing for self-improvement.
Also, in this day and age, it is HARD for people to live on their own by 21. I lived either at home or in campus housing until I was 26, and when I was in campus housing my parents were paying for it. I was working 30 hours a week to buy groceries and gas and trying to be as independent as I could, but I couldn’t afford to be fully independent. That was 10 years ago. Wages have stayed flat, but the cost of everything has gone way up. I’d say it’s unrealistic to think you can live on your own without a full time career. It might even be a tall order with roommates, but if you’re paranoid about roommates, it’s not good to put yourself in a home environment where you feel unsafe.
I don’t think your mom needed to tell you that her boyfriend left because of you. That detail serves no good purpose. What it does say though, is she faced a choice between you and him, and she chose you. Someone worth marrying should accept everything she is and everything she has, including a kid she loves and supports. You are a very important part of her life, and someone who rejects you is rejecting a part of her, in essence cutting off pieces of her that he doesn’t like. She deserves better than that. Him leaving was a good thing, even if it’s hard right now.
Your mom loves you and understands you enough to support you. What I’m hearing is you’re trying to become self-sufficient, and she is giving you a safe home base to do that. I know it’s easy to feel unworthy of that much love and support, but she’s offering it freely, so the best way to show your appreciation is to accept it with a grateful heart. I’ll say it again: your mom loves you. You matter. Hold fast