I'm tired and don't want to live

I’ve been suicidal since I was a small child, and I was admitted to a psychiatric facility in 2018. I’ve been in 4 different places, 5 times, and I’m no closer to feeling okay.

I have a good week after getting out and then I start getting more and more tired and struggle with taking care of my basic needs. And then I start falling into a deeper depression and need to go in again. And it’s expensive. I’m so fed up with this and I just wish my abusive mother had never had me

I’m looking for reasons to keep going but none of them really work for me. I really want to just not exist, forget I ever existed, etc. I don’t want any of this

Background info: Trans girl, Autistic, BPD, MDD, probable GAD, DID. History of familial abuse and struggling with suicidal ideation. Existing support network, but difficult to reach. Currently on antidepressants and mild anti-anxiety meds.

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Hey there @Roughleaf, I hope I’m not missing anything here but are you currently seeing a therapist or counselor? If you aren’t, I’d highly recommend looking into it because they can help you find tools to deal with these things, and not just let medication be a fix. Please remember that you’re loved, valued, and worth more than you know. I know that it can be hard to realize those things but that doesn’t make them any less true, you’ll always have a support system right here on this wall. There’s always light even in the darkest of places, even when it’s not obvious, but it’s there. Hold fast, you mean the absolute world to me.

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Hey @Roughleaf,

Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. It sounds that you’ve been dealing with a lot of heavy hardships starting from a very young age, so the least we can say is that feeling tired, right now, truly makes sense. When we feel tired, it’s okay to say it and it’s okay to ask for help. Know that you are among friends right here. :hrtlegolove:

I have a good week after getting out and then I start getting more and more tired and struggle with taking care of my basic needs. And then I start falling into a deeper depression and need to go in again.

That’s really tough. This cycle when you get the help you need, but once you get out and start to live again in a less structured environment, you see yourself falling down in slow motion. A while ago I had friends who went in hospital in order to get help for their eating disorders, but going out was a difficult transition and they often relapsed. I hear you saying that it’s exhausting. It is, objectively, and probably more discouraging that I can even imagine right now. But those efforts are not made in vain, friend.

First off, it shows how strong you are. No kidding. So many times I thought about going inpatient because I was at the end of my rope, but never dared to do it. I truly respect and admire your courage. It is inspiring for those who, like me, will have the chance to read what you just shared here. Your strength is seen. Your impact is real.

I also bet that you’ve learned a lot of things and improved in some ways through the different times you spent in psychiatric facilities. Maybe not what you expected, how you expected, or as fast as you wanted, but each time there was still an experience that told you something about you, your needs, your strengths and your vulnerability. It may not seem obvious at first, especially since progress can be very slow when it comes to healing (which is okay, it’s not a race anyway), but you are not the person you were 1, 2 or 10 years ago. Just for being here today, and especially despite your emotional exhaustion, you can be proud of yourself.

I have a similar question as @ofmiceandben - do you still have a therapeutic support to help you live this transition between the facility and your home in a way that wouldn’t be damaging for you? Generally, medical staffs are fully aware that this can be a very difficult change in the life of someone, so the support needs to be effective, but in a different way. Just asking to understand a little more your current situation and knowing a little more how is your support system right now, as you mentioned it. :hrtlegolove:

Also, as our environment plays a huge role for that kind of depressive cycle - is your home a safe place for you? Is it a healthy environment for you? Again, just depends on your situation. If you don’t want to respond, that’s totally fine by the way. No pressure.

I’m looking for reasons to keep going but none of them really work for me.

What are those reasons you’ve been trying to work on? I’d love to hear it, as it’s also a way to learn to know you better. :slight_smile:

I’m so fed up with this and I just wish my abusive mother had never had me

I’m sorry your mom is/was abusive. I too have a mom who doesn’t really deserves the title of “mom”, as she was very abusive while I grew up. After growing up too fast because of abuse, it’s hard to learn to be a functioning adult that doesn’t just survive, but live - and why not, a fulfilling life. Sometimes it feels impossible because of a feeling of being deeply alienated from the rest of the world… but I want you to know that even though our stories are different, your pain can be felt and understood. You are not alone. And you never deserved to be abused in any way. That was the reflection of your mom’s struggles, not you. What she did will never condition anything about your right to exist. She didn’t take that away from you. And, for what it’s worth coming from a stranger, I’m really proud of you for being here today with us, because somehow you prove to her that she was wrong for abusing you.

Not giving up on yourself, to keep trying and learning to live your best life is the best way to give yourself justice in this world, friend. You probably feel lost, deeply exhausted as you said… but that’s okay. Really. Until you get back on your feet, we’ll just sit next to you, encourage you, listen to you and shoulder your burdens with you.

I’m grateful that you exist. And I’m glad you are here right now. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi

Thanks for replying. The support means a lot to me

I also bet that you’ve learned a lot of things and improved in some ways through the different times you spent in psychiatric facilities.

I have learned a lot, the main thing being that nothing I try or get told to do seems to work. It helps me for a little while and then it all falls apart, because I don’t have the energy to continue. Also, back to your earlier point, I was last in a psych ward in October 2020, so it’s been a while

Also, as our environment plays a huge role for that kind of depressive cycle - is your home a safe place for you? Is it a healthy environment for you?

It’s safe enough. Don’t know if my landlady knows I’m trans, but I suppose it’s fine. I’m just constantly lonely, to be honest.

What are those reasons you’ve been trying to work on? I’d love to hear it, as it’s also a way to learn to know you better.

People keep reminding me of my achievements and all that, and the people I help, and it means nothing to me because I’m still depressed and suicidal. I don’t want to be in pain, and I can’t seem to find a reason to endure. I don’t even know if I’ll ever get better, so I’ve effectively spent 22 years being depressed and in pain, which is 1/3 of the average lifespan in my country. Not looking good so far

I’m sorry your mom is/was abusive.

Getting people to believe me about it is borderline impossible. Last time there was a major incident she abandoned my brother and I on the side of the road (he was 16) in 2020. This is one of her go-to tactics. I persuaded my brother to go to the police station. Sergeant Sithole decided to call in my mom, not give us a protection order, and not even open a case, and I was then thrown out of the house for being “a bad influence” for trying to get my mother to stop being abusive towards my brother. I wish I could get her locked away so she can’t hurt him, but that’s not going to happen, because “mothers don’t abuse their children”. I understand that she was abused by my grandparents, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. I look down on her for being dumb enough to continue the cycle despite my brother and I both being too empathetic to do so. That being said, I’m always polite, because I’m bad enough at “playing the game” at the best of times, and my naked dislike doesn’t help.

Not giving up on yourself, to keep trying and learning to live your best life is the best way to give yourself justice in this world, friend

There’s no guarantee that anything will get better, and based on the last 4 years of me actually getting support, nothing’s going to change. I’ll just continue being miserable. I don’t really have a reason to go on

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I am. Been bounced around psychs since I was a kid, and since 2018 I’ve had 3 different psychologists, and I got on with exactly one of them. Apart from the fact that the before 2019 all my psychs were telling me that “I was being harsh” and to “give my mom another chance” I didn’t really want to talk about my problems with them. In 2018 I got one I liked, but I didn’t want to disappoint him so I lied and said things were going better than they were. In 2020 I got one I decided to be open and honest with, and he said I wans’t working hard enough to help myself get better, and that I was the problem. I have a bad history with them. Got assigned to a psychologist with experience in Autism and DID now, and I’ll see her at some point. Not sure when yet, still waiting on the admins to confirm the appointment. But yeah

Thank you for the support

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@Roughleaf

I’d like to tell you how thankful I am that you’re here now reaching out. Taking the risk to share your pain and hurt IS an act of immense courage.
One of the conditions you didn’t list is CPTSD, which is complex post traumatic stress disorder. This is a disorder associated with abusive childhoods. Where PTSD deals with traumatic events, Complex PTSD deals with growing up in trauma.
I would recommend that you discuss this with your doctors, providing you feel comfortable discussing your childhood. Though I’m not sure how old you are now, it is important to address the emotional devastation of a trauma filled childhood.
My abuse started as a baby. I knew no other life, and it took me a long time to get the help I needed. and though I still have plenty of issues, I am here, and I am healing. I hope you keep in mind that there IS healing for you too. You are the reason to keep going, I know that you’re the reason, because it’s you… here… asking for support. You did this for YOU. And we’re here for you too, because there are plenty of us who understand how it feels to be where you’re at. Keep coming back, keep reaching out. Don’t feel you have to go through this without support. Peace

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bro im sorry i type abit different from the others but life is a blessing life can get real hard at time i really understand one thing i would really like you to understand is that we are all suffering together one way or another we cannot let these situations get to us every day is a blessing to progress to a better day as long as you try i promise you eventually with abit of faith things will work its place no matter the situation.remember you are blessed people in this world love you bro …easier said then done i do get that however this is the process of progression so many negative overloaded thoughts feelings etc…but this is what make us stronger than others those who have experienced the worst but still stand tall stay blessed brother

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Thank you

I did consider that I might have CPTSD, and it seems likely, but I don’t have a diagnosis so I didn’t mention it

I’m here because I know death is final and there’s no coming back. I really want a reason to stay, but none of them are outweighing the pain right now

I’m physically 22 years old

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I can’t tell if you didn’t read the post or if you’re being transphobic

Roughleaf,

CPTSD is a pretty new psychological construct, and many therapist are unfamiliar with the term. However, there is information on youtube, and there is an ACEs test, you can take online. There is another test that goes hand in hand with this one that has to do with Resilience, which, I believe is a PCEs test.


Another site, with a lot of information is

I’m very glad you responded, I can’t say I completely understand the hurt and pain you’re in, you have a lot to deal with right now. I can only share that at times in my life I felt like a walking, breathing wound, and it took me a long time to get help. One reason for that, was I didn’t have the courage you’ve shown here. You show me yourself how you are the reason to live, and I’m just amazed at your courage.
I think there is a part of you reaching out, that person inside who seeks to just be who she wants to be. You’re struggling to get there, but it doesn’t mean you won’t get there, it means it’s a struggle. Let us help you while you struggle, be your support.
I believe each and every one of us is here to help the rest get through life’s many struggles. In that, I’ve no doubt that we’re all needed, you too. My heart is with you. Peace
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Gnuone,

I know. Apparently it’s not even in the DSMV, so we should get it in the DSMVI, I think. I agree that I should ask for their input on whether I have it

I got a 7/10 in the ACE quiz, and 2/7 in PCE

Thank you. I appreciate the support. TBH, I’m mostly reaching out because my 16 year old sysmate doesn’t want to die, and unfortunately I can’t just go dormant, so the only way to die would be to kill the body. I don’t want to take her life and mine, so I’m doing my best to keep us alive. It’s just so frustrating and painful

I think it will be soon. When I learned of it, and took the test, I was so struck by the parallels in my life. The many, parallels.
Roughleaf, you’re reaching out, that’s all that needs to happen to work for me. I am glad you’re here, and I’m really happy to share this information with you and anyone else who reads the post. I think it’s important to understand how we got where we are, so we can accept ourselves.
I hope as you learn and grow to understand yourself you’ll grow to see the perfection of you. As you navigate this painful period in your life, you are not alone. We’re here, and you are here, let’s go with that… for now. :heart: Peace

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Thank you. I’m doing a lot better at the moment. Have been doing copious amounts of self care, and it’s helped a lot. Thanks for all the support, it means the world to me

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Great news, I’m so happy you’re doing better. I love that you’re taking care of YOU, and I hope with ALL my heart you keep it up. Peace :heart:

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