I’m tired. Tired of acting stronger than I feel. Tired of trying so hard to fit into a place where I don’t belong. Tired of putting on a fake smile and acting as if everything is okay. I’m scared that if I show vulnerability around the ones that have known me for a while they’ll take it as I’m putting on a show. I’m tired of trying to live up to expectations people set for me. I’m tired of waking up each day to a life that’s full of brokenness and sorrow. I want to just go to sleep and not wake up. I’m scared almost everyday about getting picked on for something that I can’t control. I’m scared of having a breakdown and nobody being there to help me. I’m tired of getting looks at school that say “I’m better than you,” or “You’re just a loser”. I’m tired of fighting a battle I know I can’t win. I’m tired of not being able to stop the messages my brain sends me. I’m scared that the next time I look at my wrist it won’t be clean. I’m tired of feeling like a lost cause. I’m trying fixate on the positive, but it’s hard to do that when I can’t find many positive things to focus on. I’m trying guys. But I don’t know how long I can go before I burst at the seams.
Don’t worry you’re gonna be ok! I went through exactly what you are going through. I felt worthless, lost, alone, no point of living, causing self harm. But I found the light! I found a way to be happy.
I sat down in front of my parents and told them everything I felt, and they looked at me with tears in their eyes at what I told them. From that day on things got better, life got better, I got better. I felt more confident, if I was upset, I told someone and I forgot about what I was upset about the next day.
This thing that I’m about to tell you might not help, but something that kept me going was saying to myself,
”Get the hell on with it, because the people who look at me weirdly don’t deserve to be my friend, the people who used to be my friend and doubted me we’re never my friend, they were an obstacle that I overcame. And the people who bully me, taunt me, and ridicule me, are the ones who are hurting inside.”
I really hope this helps and if it doesn’t, just know that you have someone to talk to and help you get through this.