How can one be successful and a failure at the exact same time? I feel that. The last 2 years I’ve witnessed everything I worked for fall apart right in front of my eyes. I had a great job making great money. I let what happened to me ruin my whole life. No matter how often I blame my rapists for this downward spiral I can’t help but feel like losing my job was my fault. I was the one that stopped caring about my job, I was the one that stopped trying, I was the one that blamed my work for this happening to me in the first place. I was angry at them. So losing my job was totally my fault and i hate myself for it. I can’t stop running my termination in my head over and over again. I have been through hell and back. My stream is thriving and growing but I have this huge black cloud hanging over my head. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I fight the thoughts of just ending it all. I know that I impact others lives in a positive way. I know this. But I can’t seem to stop this avalanche of shit falling all around me. I can never forgive the bastards that destroyed my life and I know that I have to move forward. How can I do that when I constantly feel like I’m suffocating by the constant reminders of failure all around me. My husband is so supportive but for how much longer? My friends dumped me essentially. Now I rely heavily on my online friends but sometimes it feels like it’s not real. I have to stop being so angry but I don’t know how. No one wants to hire me. So I stream. That’s all I have left. It’s the only thing left keeping me sane. I just want a break. I’m tired. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.
Hey friend,
I really truly understand that feeling of being alone and tired and just wanting a break.
I feel that way a lot.
I know the words I say won’t be much but I hope they can be of aid- my friend you are loved no matter hat. You are important and cherished and these things that have happened are NOT your fault. You deserve love and happiness and all good in life.
You are loved; we are here for you. Hold fast.
With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)
JoJo,
Know that what happened to you was not your fault. I know you said you know that, but maybe it’ll help to hear it from someone else.
I can’t imagine what you are going through. And then on top of it to lose your job. I am so sorry things are so hard right now.
I don’t think that you let what happened to you ruin your whole life. Yes, it seems that way. But, really, I would be willing to bet that you are doing the very best you can. It takes a lot of energy to be able to wake up everyday and carry the burden of the experience you had. To be able to wake up and live each day is an accomplishment. You are doing the very best you can.
Have you been able to talk about your experience with a counselor or therapist? If you are able (I know it can be tricky with insurance and money and all) it might help to be able to talk to someone to process through your thoughts and emotions regarding what happened to you. Maybe you already are. If so, disregard my suggestion. 
Keep pressing on. You’re amazing.
Hey Friend
I know how you feel cuz i feel the same way and trust me i nee d this place and so do you cuz here at HeartSupport we care for each other like when i lost my friend to suicide recently everyone in the heartsupport community supported me cuz thats part of our job here to support others,
Your Friend Shadow
Thank you <3 . I was seeing someone regularly just after it all happened. It isn’t a bad idea to maybe go back. I just don’t know if I want to take the next step of dredging everything up again. Then again i know bottling it up is a bad thing.
Thank you for sharing this @JoJo
I have spent my whole life being dropped by friends when things get hard too - for that I fear that even the friends I have made in this community will leave when I hit my lowest points. When I’m in a more sound mindset i know that isn’t true. Im glad your husband is supporting you - he will continue too. I see in your last comment you said you’re scared to go back to seeing someone. I know it’s scary and the thought of having to bring up all the memories is hard, but you can take someone to that first session. I’m sure your husband will be more than happy to go with you. You can always reach out here before/after or both! Keep fighting, it’s okay to need to lean on others sometimes.
Hold fast
Kayla
Hey @JoJo,
Thank you for reaching out! I hope I can help shed some light for you. 
First off, I would ask you what is your definition of success and failure? Everyone fails at something at one time or another, but just because someone fails at something does NOT make them a failure. What happened to you is NOT your fault. I’m so sorry to hear that you were raped. It sounds like that what happened subsequently was a sort-of domino effect. None of this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for the sicko who assaulted you. It’s their fault, not yours. Please don’t put blame on yourself. Your husband is so supportive because he loves you unconditionally. Have you tried talking to a counselor (in person) about what you’re struggling with? I would highly recommend it; seeing someone is one of the best things I’ve ever done. You’re strong! You got this. We believe in you!
-Eric
Hey JoJo,
I am so sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine what that must have been like. Thank you for sharing this here. Trauma and the constant reminders that happen throughout each day are debilitating. I know it is easy to blame yourself for the things that have happened, but I would encourage you to try and show yourself some grace and know that you are not alone. I feel as though your reactions and feelings are normal considering that you have experienced something very traumatic. Practicing self-love is easier said than done, but please know that we love you, support you and believe in you and your ability to find healing. Despite all that has happened, I believe that you are strong enough to keep fighting for the things that matter to you and for the things that you want most. It sounds like streaming is very important to you and I am so happy to hear that you have that, online friends and the support from your husband. We love you friend, hold fast.
~Hannah