All I’ve ever wanted to do was make ppl smile. Wether its because of what I said or what I did I found I was happy when others were. This past year that’s what I’ve done. Ive been there for ppl at their lowest, I’ve brought ppl together, made others feel valued and loved, but I noticed something. After a while it feels like I’ve exhausted my purpose, and then the people who I grew to love and care for very much, just sort of slowly slip away. They dont reach out to me at all. I always feel used and once they feel better about themselves it feels like I’m not needed anymore. Which is good in a way, but at the same time it makes me feel betrayed. Like I only mattered when they needed me and now I have no one left. They’re all gone. Not a single one has even reached out to me to ask why I’ve gone quiet. It’s like they dont even care or they dont notice my pain and suffering. I wanna feel loved too you know? All I feel is alone, and now I’m scared of reaching out to anyone again because I dont wanna feel this way anymore. I dont wanna be used and forgotten. At the same time I still wanna make ppl feel better because ik how much I’m hurting, and I dont want anyone else to feel remotely close to the way I feel, but i feel i cant do this anymore. I dont think my heart can handle being left behind again. I already think about killing myself daily. I just dont do it because I’m a coward, and I’m afraid of the pain that comes before death. I dont fear dying itself. As a matter of fact I pray for it, so long as its painless and preferably quick. I can only handle so much tho, and I feel that if I were to reach out and show my true self to ppl again, and they abandon me again like everyone else. Idk. I think I’d reach a point where even the pain from slitting my throat wouldnt compare to the pain I feel having another person I’ve grown to love and care for just forget my existence again. I’ve been isolating now for the past few months and not one of the many many great friends I’ve made and helped have even noticed. I assume they havent noticed at least because no one has asked what’s wrong or if I’m ok or anything because I used to message them every day. I just wanna give up. I wanna be dead so I dont ever have to feel this piercing pain in my chest every day I wake up to another empty inbox because I’ve been forgotten by the people I love and care for the most. Idk why I’m even writing this on here. It’s not fair to anyone who sees this because they’ll just wanna help someone who’s mind cant be changed. People who will try to convince me.i have some sort of worth or value that the people I love just dont see. Or that those people arent deserving of me and that I just need to surround myself with better understanding ppl, but it doesnt work. I’m no good to anyone, so what’s the point of sticking around you know? Besides my cowardice theres nothing keeping me here. I’ve even given up on showing people my true self and hide it away so I’m never noticed and I can never be abandoned again. Sorry for waisting your time with my rambling. You could have helped someone who actually deserves and needs your help. I’m really sorry
Please don’t give up and I know it’s hard now, but realize that your situation can change in an instant. I’ve been abandoned myself. It hurts. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t know why it happens either. Part of me thinks in this age of worldwide interaction it actually makes it easier for us to forget our real friends. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but please do not give up. There are many cases where people have lost friends and found newer, better, lifelong ones or even partners. You are good to people if you’ve helped them. A lot of people go through this life without helping anyone.
I want you to go out and have some fun for yourself. If going out doesn’t seem like fun, play some games online, watch a netflix series, do something that makes -you- happy. Keep posting here anytime you need help. I know it may feel unfair, but don’t be afraid to reach out to those who have gone dark on you.
You are undoubtely a loving and caring person to your beloved ones. It is very kind of you to take care of them, but it is also important to take care of you at the same time. Otherwise this feeling of being left behind, of being used, can appear and lead you to the wrong conclusions about yourself again and again. This situation, the absence of them reaching out to you, isn’t defining who you are. It doesn’t mean that you would be unlovable.
Unfortunately, when you define your own purpose as being to make others happy, you can’t expect them to do and think the same. Just because we’re all different. I’ve felt like you with some people when I was a bit younger. But then I realized that it was related to my own expectations. I expected way too much from others because I was giving too much already. In other words, what I was giving to others was my own reference to what I expected from them. I thought it was just reciprocity: you give something, then implicitly you except the same from others, even if it’s hard to admit that. I gave them what I’d like to be given at the moment. And that wasn’t fair for my friends and my family. Because when they didn’t asked me how I was doing I felt it as an injustice and a proof that they didn’t love me. Which wasn’t true at all.
It is normal and valid to want to feel loved. Love is this universal emotion that every human need in their life. But sometimes we look at it the wrong way. Friend, taking care of yourself first isn’t selfish. Making your own well-being a priority isn’t selfish. It will help you to face the hardships you may encounter in your life. And when your purpose is only directed towards others happiness, then it can’t work in the long run. You need to live for yourself first. And when you’ll do that, you’ll be even stronger. Because you will value yourself for who you are, not for what you can give to others.
I’m not saying that how you feel isn’t valid, not at all. But I think this could be an opportunity for you to chose different priorities in your life. I don’t know if those people really abandoned you or if it only hurts because they didn’t reach out to you while you’ve been quiet for a moment. But anyway this isn’t worth taking your own life. Nothing is. I know it hurts, but you’ll get through this and grow from this situation.
You might feel really isolated right now but you are not alone, okay? There are people here in this community who genuinely care about you right now and want you to be okay. Relationships can be a real struggle and the fear of anbonment very paralyzing. But this is something you can work on. If you can’t talk about it with your relatives for the moment, it could be great to consider talking about that with a therapist. There are very practical therapies that can be truly helpful when it’s about finding a balance between distance/closeness with others. As well as for anxiety and depression.
You’ll get there friend. Hold fast.
I just dont see the point, those ppl were the nice ones and they still abandoned me. If I’m gonna suffer I’d rather be alone because even tho I wanna be around other ppl so badly it isnt worth the pain I feel when they leave me once they dont need my positivity anymore. I really wanna reach out to them. I really do, but I’m scared. Now that they’ve left me I just feel like im inconveniencing them and forcing myself back into their lives. I’m also scared that assuming they talk to me again I’ll always be scared of the day they forget about me again. They’ve already told me they would never leave me because I asked them to promise me because I have separation anxiety and abandonment issues and they all swore they’d never let me be alone ever again. Yet here I am, empty inbox for the 2nd month in a row. Not one person has reached out to me. I bet they dont even notice I’m gone, and if they do then that’s how they want it to stay I bet. Also I cant just go out and have fun. I’m anxious 24/7 and depressed most of that time as well. I physically and mentally dont have the strength or motivation anymore. Hence why I said i dont wanna meet new ppl anymore because if I’m abandoned one more time i wont care how much it hurts, I’ll end my suffering. I’ve tried so many times to put aside my depression and anxiety to meet and help ppl, but now my heart has been broken so many times (both from being abandoned and from being cheated on and breaking up) I just literally cant do anything anymore besides lay in bed and cry because I cant stop thinking of all the people who left me because I still love them and care for them. I’m just so miserable and ik itll only be worse if I meet new people again. Sorry for wasting your time
I cant afford therapy, plus when it comes to talking about my problems face to face I just cant do it. I just stay quiet and say yes or no to whatever they ask, but being abandoned isnt the only thing making me have suicidal fantasies. I’ve been suicidal for a very long time and after failing the first couple times when I was younger I’m too afraid of the pain before dying so I’m kinda stuck here. Making friends and giving all my love and care was really the only thing that made me think things would be ok but each time I did it was just another heartbreak. I simply dont care about myself. I would give my life in an instant if it meant helping someone else out. It’s not that I feel helping people is who I am, it’s what I wanna do. Unfortunately I’ve been beaten down so much last year that I feel I cant even do that anymore because I have so much more fear now to meet new ppl and go through getting to know and love them all again because as much as I wanna trust them I feel I just cant anymore. I cant believe ppl anymore when they say I’m precious or special because if that were the truth they wouldnt have forgotten me the instant I stopped initiating conversations (which I always have to do) I’m not expecting to get back what I give, because truth be told I feel that’s impossible. All I ask is at least 5% of what I give. Which would be like an occasional message, maybe a hug, because ik no matter how much ppl say they like me they’ll never come close to giving me what I give them, and that’s ok. All i want is to make them feel happier. Even if it’s just a little tiny bit. So you see it isnt that I’m expecting too much from ppl, or that I’m making my purpose to help ppl, it’s what I wanna do the most, but now that I’m too scared to even get to know ppl it makes my pre existing depression and anxiety worse, it’s not the cause tho. I appreciate your concern but I feel like I just cant keep this up anymore. I cant ever show my true self to anyone anymore because I’ll never be left behind by people who arent even interested in me in the first place you know. Sorry for taking up your time, but I appreciate it