Everything in my life since I was ten years old has felt like an uphill battle I can’t get away from.
Chronic pain, extreme loneliness, isolation, being a worthless kid. I’m twenty and I’m still in high school because I’ve f—d everything up so hard from mental illness. I’ve dropped out multiple times and the only reason I’m still trying is my parents.
I’m so close to being done with school but I still find myself being a screw up. Lately my brain is foggy, all the time. I feel like I have to literally force myself to focus, I feel like I’m trying to see through a layer of cotton on my eyes. I get headaches every day. My parents have been fighting constantly for the past almost 6 years now. I feel trapped every day. I have to get my driver’s license but I hate driving and I can’t fucking focus because of the CONSTANT BRAIN FOG!!! How am I supposed to drive when I can’t fucking see straight? I’m going to cause an accident one day. Public transport isn’t an option where I am either so I have to suck it up. All of this makes me irritable most of the day and my parents get mad at me because I’m mad. Nice.
I wouldn’t even care about the drivers license but I HAVE TO do forty hours of volunteer work to graduate or I can’t graduate. I have to do that by December 20th too. Awesome.
I’ve been to countless doctors, therapists, psychiatrists and all they can say is “try these medicine combinations, try this, try that”. That’s fine, but nothing works. I have treatment resistant depression. I’m sick of it.
I was feeling a lot more hopeful lately but now I feel like I’m sucked back into a deep pit.