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I'm tired of everything feeling like a fight

Everything in my life since I was ten years old has felt like an uphill battle I can’t get away from.

Chronic pain, extreme loneliness, isolation, being a worthless kid. I’m twenty and I’m still in high school because I’ve f—d everything up so hard from mental illness. I’ve dropped out multiple times and the only reason I’m still trying is my parents.

I’m so close to being done with school but I still find myself being a screw up. Lately my brain is foggy, all the time. I feel like I have to literally force myself to focus, I feel like I’m trying to see through a layer of cotton on my eyes. I get headaches every day. My parents have been fighting constantly for the past almost 6 years now. I feel trapped every day. I have to get my driver’s license but I hate driving and I can’t fucking focus because of the CONSTANT BRAIN FOG!!! How am I supposed to drive when I can’t fucking see straight? I’m going to cause an accident one day. Public transport isn’t an option where I am either so I have to suck it up. All of this makes me irritable most of the day and my parents get mad at me because I’m mad. Nice.

I wouldn’t even care about the drivers license but I HAVE TO do forty hours of volunteer work to graduate or I can’t graduate. I have to do that by December 20th too. Awesome.

I’ve been to countless doctors, therapists, psychiatrists and all they can say is “try these medicine combinations, try this, try that”. That’s fine, but nothing works. I have treatment resistant depression. I’m sick of it.

I was feeling a lot more hopeful lately but now I feel like I’m sucked back into a deep pit.

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Dont give up i know its hard now but if you quit now you’re gonna regret it.

I honestly don’t feel like I’d regret it if I did. If I gave up and gave into the thoughts I’d miss my dogs but that’s really it. I have nothing else that drives me to not do it. My thought is, I’d be gone and wouldn’t miss anything, so I wouldn’t regret anything.

Hey @GuitarSeal,

I can definitely relate to this feeling of being in a endless battle. Like life has alway something new to throw at your face. And when you’re surrounded by difficulties, you can be tempted to list everything wrong that’s happening in your life. But yet we’re still here, despite everything. I think it also means something and it’s part of what’s important to acknowledge too.

I’m truly sorry for the different things you mentioned. It’s a lot to handle at the same time. And maybe there’s a way to try to think about it seperately.

First, there’s no doubt depression impact your physical health. And okay, you tried different treatments for your depression. But have you talked already to a doctor about this brain fog in particular? Also maybe alternative medicines can be a resource for you. It’s not necessarily about curing something, but at least to relieve the symptoms. I mean, treatment is really helpful, but it won’t cure a depression. It’s an additional help, and I woud have like you to be allowed to benefit from this, but it’s not the absolute answer. (And if some doctors tend to prescribe meds like candies, it’s better to go away from them). So, I know seeing many doctors/therapists is exhausting. But what about therapy without medicine? Is it helpful for you or do you think you didn’t find the right one yet (therapy or therapist)? - I mean, in an objective way, outside the fact you’re really sick of it, which I understand.

It’s absolutely normal to be irritable when you’re body is in pain and prevent you to do what you want/need. Your parents get mad, you get mad and it’s a negative circle… Well, so be it. It’s temporary. When this happen, if you can, try to isolate yourself a bit and try to relax, you can still come back to them later. Or tell them that actually you’re in pain and it gets on your nerves, so they can understand. But don’t worry too much about that. Even without depression, we can all be irritated and end to irritate others because of it.

Also, I don’t see anything wrong to be twenty and still in high school. Sure, I get it. It’s frustrating because you wanted it to be different and finish high school sooner. I would be mad too, and you didn’t ask for this. But that doesn’t mean you’re a “screw up” or a “worthless kid”. And if someone told you that, they’re just ignorant of what’s going on in your life and how it is to keep going on despite difficulties. So there’s no reason at all to be judgemental about that. The most important thing is that you’re still trying.

Also, I have to ask, what would happen if you don’t do these hours of volunteering for December 20th? Just to think about the different possibilities.

Hold fast. :heart:

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First of all, I want to say thank you for your reply, especially so thought out, I appreciate it.

I have talked to a doctor and psychiatrist etc about the brain fog but nothing has helped. I’m interested in therapy soon, but I’ve had some bad experiences in therapy so I’m wary. But, I am going to try again, absolutely.

I appreciate your words of comfort. :slight_smile:

I haven’t asked, but I might in the future. I didn’t ask what would happen if I didn’t get my hours done because I don’t want to make my teachers think I might not do it. I want to wait until that’s definitely what’s going to happen before I ask.

Again, thank you very much for your reply, I’m doing better, I think I was just having a pretty bad breakdown a few days ago. :heart:

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Hey @GuitarSeal,

That’s perfectly understandable. :wink:
I sincerely hope everything will go well for you.

Glad you’re feeling better! :heart:
Take care.

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